


It's a Compliment, Really

by Moczo



Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Gen, Kink Meme, de-anon, just wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2019-09-24 12:42:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 51,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17100806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moczo/pseuds/Moczo
Summary: Kink meme de-anon for the prompt: "As a final act of spite, Yaldabaoth inspired some porn directors who have no idea who the Phantom Thieves are to write a flick that is, well, a porny version of Persona 5. Akira finds it, and after confirming that yes, that is a smutty version of himself on the cover, decides to watch it with his friends (including Sae) and see what royalties they can charge. Cue horrified staring/rolling on the floor laughing. Bonus points for the directors actually getting the themes of free thought and rebellion right...they just have it as "free love" and "proud embrace of LGBTQ-ness."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I had fun with this one. As a note, I am putting a lot of effort into putting no effort into this work, so anything that's not in English was translated solely via Google Translate, including all stupid Japanese pornstar names, in order to produce results that are just not quite right at all times. Because I love my readers and I always go that extra mile into creating something AUTHENTICALLY bad.

 

Akira Kurusu did not, as a rule, visit his friends often since the disbanding of the Phantom Thieves of Hearts. 

It wasn’t that he disliked them, of course. He loved them all. They were more family to him than his actual parents, who had always been disappointing to say the least.  It was just a sort of… troublesome feeling beneath it all.  Like somehow, every time they got together, it was certain to lead to a _giant problem._ In the space of one year they had managed to stumble onto like six different rapists, at least three murderers, more corrupt politicians than he could remember off the top of his head, and so many sociopathic bullies that he could have started a damn football league with them. 

But nor could he just stay away forever, of course. There were no greater friends to him in this world.  So, he settled for short, day-trip visits, spending time with only one or two of them at a time. No parties, nothing too public, because the more people around the more likely it was someone in the crowd would drive someone else to suicide. 

He should have known this was only a stopgap measure.  Particularly since this visit was focused on…

“ _AKIRA.  I have DISCOVERED._ ” Futaba did not… quite scream, but she could put a lot of emotion into her words when something she liked caught her attention.  And right now, she was putting so much emotion into it that it made his brain hurt.

He had taken his… sorta sister sorta friend… _thing_ to the only place that Futaba ever wanted to go, an electronics store. She could get anything she wanted online, but she’d grown to enjoy going out shopping as a way to proclaim her dominance over shyness.  She also claimed that when you went out you could find ‘surprise rare drops that online searches only had a 0.01% chance to find!’  She was a unique girl.

And sometimes, he was forcibly reminded that she wasn’t always unique in a _good way._

“What did you find?” he asked, because he sometimes was deeply stupid. 

She grinned, her expression filled with so much joy that Akira felt his blood freeze in his body. When Futaba was happy, people got hurt.  “So!  I was over in the porn section…”

“… Why?”

“Because I always look at the porn section, keep up,” Futaba squealed, her eyes absolutely filled with malevolent delight. “The key is that I found the _most amazing thing_.  When you see it.  You will.  _Explode with glee._ ”

“… Futaba, I really don’t want to see your porn.”

“Not my porn!  _Our_ porn!” she squealed. _“Look!”_

Akira looked. And Akira wished he hadn’t. 

For starters, the man on the cover was wearing a mask that was extremely familiar, because he had worn it himself for a year. The real problem, however, came from the fact that he was not wearing much other than that.  The general idea seemed to be that where Akira’s own Phantom outfit had been red (the gloves) he was wearing black.  And where Akira’s outfit had been black (everywhere else) he was wearing a thong that appeared to have a cantaloupe stuffed into it, though that was okay because a girl who looked a bit like Ann if she was twenty years older and had spent a lot of time smoking seemed about ready to take it off with her teeth.  And above them, in hot pink letters:

**PhantCum Thieves of Whores**

**Starring: Dikku Hādouddo** , **Mira Pūnisu, Sutefanī Shin, Nikkī Kokkusu** , **Rongudon Shirubā**  

“I totally already messaged everyone.  We _need_ to get together and watch this.  It is _crucial._ Team-building exercise! Sae should totally come too.  She still thinks she has dignity, so I want to see the look on her face when her character shows up. Not Sojiro though, he’s old.” 

Akira stared at the case. He stared for five solid minutes.  Then, he reared his arm back and threw it on the ground as hard as he could, stomping down on it as soon as it cracked against the linoleum.  He had done a _lot_ of parkour in the last year. He had _excellent_ leg muscles.         

Futaba grinned. “I knew you’d do that. That was just the display case, I already bought every one of the actual copies and paid to have them shipped home.”

Akira narrowed his eyes in wrath as cold and deep as the Arctic Ocean. “Did you steal my credit card information again, Futaba?”

Her grin only widened. “I prefer to think of it as _our_ credit card, really.”

* * *

 

“Where. Is. She?” Makoto growled, sitting outside LeBlanc with the rest of the gang, her older sister sitting across the street in her car. For some reason, Akira was reminded of a lynch mob. 

“She’s at her home getting a package that she had delivered home ahead of us. You don’t want to know what it is,” Akira said.  “What did she do?”

“She sent us all a message that just said ‘LeBlanc, now.’  Then she locked us all out of our own e-mail accounts,” Ann said.  “I’m not saying I’m gonna kill her, but I _might_.” 

“I might help!” Ryuji said. 

“It’s not my fault you pick easy passwords!” Futaba squeaked, running up with a package in her hands and a grin so wide it practically split her face in half. 

“My password was HisXz3$$2185_ffks,” Makoto said.

“Yeah, it was super quick to crack.  But let’s focus on what matters.  Porn!” Futaba cheered, holding her prize aloft.

“… … … Is there something you’d like to tell us, Akira?” Haru asked softly, after the team had looked at the DVD case for awhile. 

“That isn’t actually me!”

“I kinda suspected. I don’t think Ann would go for that,” Ryuji said. 

“ _That isn’t actually me either!”_ Ann shrieked, her voice reaching a pitch so high that every dog on the street whimpered in pain.

“Your outfit is quite well made, Ann,” Yusuke said. 

“ _NOT ME!_ ” Ann shrieked.  Something shattered nearby. 

“It seems that… um.  Someone may have chosen to… exploit our adventures for less that equitable profits,” Akira said delicately.

“Someone made a porno of us!  We _have_ to watch it!”  Futaba squealed. 

“I… because… we need to see if any of the details could expose who we really are…?” Haru asked.

“So, we can find out who made it? And kill ‘em?” Ryuji asked. 

“I wonder if there’s some kind of lawsuit we could level?” Makoto murmured, though the slightly ill expression on her face suggested she wasn’t fully aware she was saying it. 

Futaba blinked.  “There has to be a… _reason_ to watch it?  That’s dumb. You’re dumb.  We’re watching it.  _To the DVD player!_ ”

“Why did you make my sister come, though?” Makoto asked.

“I’mma need you to stop asking questions.” 

* * *

 

“So why am I here?” Sae asked. 

“God, you two are so alike it’s depressing,” Futaba said, pushing the DVD into Akira’s old secondhand player as the team gathered around.  “Here, I have a reason. I won’t give any of your emails back until we’re done.  You guys are _so lame_.”

“How do you _work_ with this girl?” Sae asked her sister.   

“With great difficulty.”

The screen, which was not nearly blurry enough for Akira’s taste, began to show the title credits over top of a…

Ann blinked.  “So, Akira. I didn’t realize that this was how you first met Shido.”

“He was… well, I mean…” Akira said.  “It was certainly a situation involving a woman at night in the streets.  But everyone had on more… pants.”  

“She really doesn’t seem like she needs rescuing, gotta say.”

“ _Oh! Oh God, saaaaaave me!_ ” the woman on screen said loudly, while shifting herself to wrap her legs around Shido’s waist so he couldn’t pull out of her.  “ _I’m being attaaaaaaacked!_ ”

“Oh, never mind. She’s clearly in a lot of trouble,” Makoto said dryly.

“ _Feel the power of Japan!_ ” Shido screamed. 

“So hey, Shido’s in character,” Ann said. “Maybe this won’t be so b-”

“ _Stop right there!_ ” said someone on the screen who sounded like what you might expect in a hero who clearly hadn’t been practicing his lines and also had no idea how close everyone was standing to him.  “ _Leave that!  Woman!  Alone!”_

“Hehehehehehehehe,” Futaba said, her eyes glittering with Satanic evil.

“ _You are!  Assaulting that!  Woman!”_ Porn!Akira shouted, because he clearly had no other tone of voice.  “ _I!  Will save!  … … … Line!”_

“Did he just ask what his line was?” Ryuji asked, sounding very much like Akira’s death glare was the only reason he wasn’t choking on laughter. 

“Good God, what was the budget on this? A five yen note and a cheeseburger wrapper?” Sae wondered.    

“ _Well, well, well! Look at the big man, coming to stand up for the weak!  But is he as big as me, Shmasayoshi Shshido, Vice Minister of Anal and Anal Accessories for the United Penis Party?!”_ Shshido asked, whipping himself around and proving that he was, in fact, a pretty big man.  

“That is a really unfortunate job title,” Haru said delicately, because she was the only person in the entire world who could have made that understatement. 

“’Shmasayoshi Shshido’?” Ryuji asked.  “Do… do they think that’s disguising his name, or…?” 

“Does it matter?” Akira asked through gritted teeth. 

“It does if they ‘disguise’ your name the same way, bro.  That would make you…”

“ _Well, evil man!  I am!  The biggest of all!”_ Porn!Akira said, pulling down his pants. “ _The sexual liberator they call… **Shakira!**_ **”**

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” said pretty much the whole room.   

“W-well, his hips don’t lie!” Ann squeaked in between giggles. 

“How could they when he’s _wearing a thong!_ ” Ryuji crowed.       

“L-l-leopard print!”  Makoto said, kicking her legs against the ground helplessly.

“I don’t understand.” Yusuke said. 

Patting him on the back with a smile of purest evil, Futaba said, “Don’t worry, Inari. I can explain it to you Whenever, Wherever.”  

“I’m going to kill every one of you,” Akira said.    

“Why?” Yusuke asked.

“ _Oh ho, so you think you can best me, Shakira?”_ Shshido asked.

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” The room said. 

“ _Well, there’s only!  One way to!  … … … Line!”_ Shakira said. 

“ _Oh-ho.  I take it you mean…_ ” Shshido said, trailing off in a way that suggested either amusement or mild indigestion. He was a better actor than Shakira, but not by much. 

“ _The only way that!  Two people might!  Truly compete!  Ready… your sword!”_ Shakira said, hurling aside the leopard-print thong and making a kind of… spinning, gyrating… motion.  Smiling with lust (or kind of hunger?) Shshido stepped forward to meet him, apparently to have the _most_ intimate swordfight it was possible to have. 

And it was at this point that the team had their first intermission, because Akira chucked his shoe through the TV. 


	2. Chapter 2

Futaba hooked up the DVD player to the TV downstairs in LeBlanc as Ryuji shifted the sign on the door to ‘Closed.’  “Okay, we’re all set up!  Go home, Sojiro.”

“You can’t just close my restaurant, you realize,” Sojiro said.

“I _have_ to.  We need a TV for _important stuff_ , man!  This is _crucial.  CRUCIAL!_ ”

“And you needed to kick out all my customers?”

“First of all, you only have like, ten people who eat here,” Futaba said. 

“I’m sorry, Boss,” Makoto said.  “If it makes you feel better, we’re all being held hostage. And no, this really isn’t… public.  We wouldn’t want your clientele to see it.”

“I wouldn’t want _me_ to see it,” Akira muttered. 

“You guys!  Shut up! It’s on!” Futaba squealed.  “Sojiro, go home, seriously. You’re too wizened and ancient to watch this sort of thing.”

“I liked you better when you were shy, kiddo,” Sojiro said.  “Well, I guess I can… … … why don’t those men have any pants.”

Akira sighed, as on the screen Shakira was defeated in a ‘penis duel’ by Shshido, falling to his knees and proceeding to… well, apparently when you lost a penis duel there were consequences for your mouth. 

“ _Japan!  Japaaaaaaaaaaaaan!_ ” Shshido screamed, thrusting. 

“You know, kids, when I was your age, I went out and played with my friends. Went to the batting cages. Saw a movie.  I didn’t sit around watching gay porn,” Sojiro said mildly.  He then put on a pot of coffee. “Anyone want curry?”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be eating again, thanks,” Akira said, watching as a middle-aged sociopath politician had his way with him.  And you’d better believe _that_ was something he’d never expected to have to be embarrassed by. 

From there, things achieved a certain level of sanity thank God.  Shakira was blamed for a horrible bruise Shshido acquired during the oddly enthusiastic threesome between him and his two victims (was it still rape if they _said_ they were being forced but didn’t actually try to get away, and in fact pinned their rapist down at one point to double-team him?) and sent to the big city.  Once there, he joined his new guardian Shsojiro and was informed he’d be attending Shovedin Academy while he was on ‘sexual probation.’ For a long, painful few minutes, Akira wondered if maybe this was going to be less terrible than first expected. 

On the first day of school, Shakira walked up the street to find a woman standing out in the rain… or more realistically, in the stream of water which was meant to look like rain, but was in fact clearly coming off a hose.  Oh, and she was only wearing a white t-shirt.  As in _only_.  And judging by her blonde hair (which was actually closer to the yellow of a crayon, and was actually washing out in the water and running down her face), she was meant to be… 

_“Oh, curse mine vengeful beauty!  Alas, for my exotic looks draw in all who see me, condemning me to an endless storm of jealousy and condemnation from mine own peers!  Alas and woe is me, the wondrous beauty known only as Shann Shtakamaki!”_ she cried out, her tone indicating she thought she was Lady MacBeth, as opposed to mostly naked and being sprayed down in public.

“ _WHAT?!_ ” Ann shrieked.

“Well. At least your actress is putting the effort in?” Akira said.  

“Why, I think she’s… erm… just as good an actor as you are!” Haru said, diplomatically.   

“ _SHE’S NAKED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET FOR NO REASON!”_

“That just seems to be how people in this world are,” Makoto said.  “At least she isn’t… oh no.” 

“ _Hey there, you two.  Who wants to take a ride to school_? _”_ Asked a large, unspeakably sleazy-looking man as he drove up to them in a windowless van. He was sweating profusely and about twenty pounds overweight, but that was okay because he was also very hairy.  “ _I, Shsuguru Shkamoshida, am always willing to get all up in the student body._ IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. _”_

_“Verily, for I have no choice, but to indulge thine foul lusts, knave!”_ Shann said, leaping into the front seat of the man’s car and immediately disappearing below the window.  The sound of someone’s pants unzipping could be heard.  “ _Know that though I gazeth upon thine wang and even take it into mine very own mouth, I bear thee only hate, cursed sensei!  A pox ‘pon thee!”_   

“Shit. Queen, grab her, we can’t lose another TV!” Futaba said, and Makoto tackled Ann before she could get her shoe off. 

“ _Let me go!  Let me go!  I’ll kill them all!”_ Ann snarled. 

“On the bright side, they actually made Kamoshida look on the outside how he does on the inside?” Ryuji pointed out. 

“And I had to have weird dominance threesomes with Shido.  You don’t get to complain,” Akira said. 

Shkamoshida smiled, and the expression made everyone feel slightly worse about life.  _“How about you, young man?  I’m a very_ hands on teacher, _IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?”_ He paused.  “ _I have SEX with the STUDENTS.”_   

“Subtle, that one,” Sae said. 

Shakira sighed.  _“Well, that’s not really!  Appropriate for a teacher!  But sure!”_ And took off his pants. 

“ _For fuck’s sake!”_ Akira snarled, reaching for his one remaining shoe. Ryuji tackled him before he could get it off. 

“Yeah, porn in my day wasn’t nearly this violent,” Sojiro said mildly.

“ _WAIT!  YOU SHOULDN’T GO IN THAT CAR!  HE IS SEEKING TO EXPLOIT YOU!”_ screamed someone who had maybe the loudest voice in the history of time.  It made Shakira’s general shouting and improper pacing seem like minor concerns, an atom bomb against a firecracker. It was so loud, honestly, that it seemed to be coming from an entirely different film, one that was playing on a giant movie screen with speakers the size of trucks.   

“Oh, no,” Ryuji said, mournfully as he twisted Akira’s arm behind his back to keep him from struggling for his shoes.

“I thought the fact he openly said he has sex with his students was a hint of the exploitation without all the screaming,” Haru said.  “And the fact Ann is actually… you know… _doing stuff_.”

_“HSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!_ ” Ann said.

“Sorry, I meant to say Shann.”

“You _guys,_ stop _talking_.  It’s getting _better!”_ Futaba squealed as…

The student who walked into the scene was, as with Shann, not wearing exactly the standard uniform.  He struck a striking figure to be sure, but Akira doubted that an open leather vest and assless chaps were anything you would traditionally see at any Japanese school. Or if it was, that school would be a _really odd_ one.  But he had the blonde hair (if even more obviously fake than Shann’s, to the point it was almost _green_ ) and he-

_“I’M SHRYUJI SHSAKAMOTO, THE DELINQUENT OF THE SCHOOL! HELLS YEAH!”_ he screamed.  ” _LET ME SHARE WITH YOU THE TRUTH OF THE SCHOOL, BEEYATCHES!  YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!”_

“Ow,” Yusuke said mildly, plugging his ears.  “I continue to be confused why we watch this. The sets are poorly made and the video is clearly not professional film quality.”

_“Greetings to! You, Shryuji!  I am Shakira, the sexual warrior!  Tell! Me what you know of!  That teacher!”_

“Um, maybe they shouldn’t talk right next to him? He seems like a man of poor morals,” Haru said. 

“I think he’s a bit distracted,” Makoto said dryly, as Shkamoshida moaned under Shann’s totally unwilling but _oddly_ enthusiastic efforts. 

“I’ll kill him! I’ll kill _everyone!_ ” Ann snarled. 

“She doesn’t seem to be enjoying the film,” Sojiro said.

“Is anyone?” Sae asked.  “You got anything a little stronger than coffee behind that bar? I got a feeling I’m going to need it before the end of the day.”

“ _ALLOW ME, SHRYUJI, TO_ FUCKING _EXPLAIN!”_ Shryuji screamed, his voice tearing through the conversation like the claws of a falcon.  “ _I USED TO BE THE STAR ATHLETE OF THE SCHOOL’S ELITE BLOWJOB TEAM!”_

“What.” Ryuji said, ironically probably the quietest he had ever been.

“I… hehehehe… I didn’t realize that was a c-competitive sport,” Futaba said, trying really hard not to break down laughing. Then she stopped trying and began laughing more loudly than it seemed like her tiny frame could have managed. “Oh God!  Oh God!  It’s a _cum-_ petitive sport! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Sae did not laugh out loud, but she did kind of snort behind her hand.  “T-that’s not funny, young lady.” 

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Makoto said.

“Little sister, you’re making this much harder on meeeeHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!” Sae said.     

“I hate you guys so much,” Ryuji said. “Akira, bro, I’m totally with you when you claim revenge.”

“ _I SUCKED SO MUCH COCK YOU CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE. BIG COCKS! SMALL COCKS!  COCKS OF EVERY SIZE, SHAPE, AND COLOR! I PRACTICED EVERY DAY, AND WHEN WE WENT ON TOUR I COULD SUCK A MAN OFF SO FAST HIS BRAIN CAME OUT HIS CROTCH!”_

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Akira said.

“Effin’ traitor.”   

“ _I, RYUJI SAKAMOTO, WAS THE CHAMPION COCKSUCKER OF THE WHOLE DAMN COUNTRY!”_

“Oh come _on,_ they didn’t even pretend to disguise my name that time!” Ryuji whined. 

“ _BUT ALL THAT CHANGED WHEN SHKAMOSHIDA CAME TO OUR SCHOOL!  HE TOOK OVER THE BDSM CLUB AND TURNED THEM INTO THE BEST CLUB IN THE SCHOOL, RUINING OUR REPUTATION! SUDDENLY WE COULDN’T FIND A DICK TO SUCK NO MATTER HOW HARD WE LOOKED!  AND I LOOKED FAR AND WIDE, UNDER EVERY ROCK!_ ” Shryuji screamed at the top of his lungs. Someone walking by, who may have been an extra or may have just been a poor soul who wandered onto the set, looked at him in undisguised terror. 

“I don’t think this school is an accredited educational institution,” Haru said mildly. 

“ _BUT THEN, THE RUMORS BEGAN!  THAT EVIL TEACHER, IN AN EFFORT TO LORD OVER THEM AND FEED HIS OWN SADISTIC LUSTS, HAS BEEN… … … …_ TORTURING _THE BDSM TEAM!”_  

“ _Gasp!_ ” Shakira said. He did not gasp. He _said_ the word ‘gasp.’

“How can you… _torture_ the BDSM team? Isn’t that what they _do_ …?” Sojiro asked. 

Futaba grinned _terribly_. “I bet he got into some _weird_ stuff with them. Like, there’s all kinds of stuff you can shove up a person’s butt that you wouldn’t think would fit there.”  

“I’m seriously starting to think I need to limit your time on the internet.” 

“ _BUT ALAS!”_ Shryuji continued, and once he got started, there was really no way anyone else could talk.  “ _NONE CAN PROVE IT!  SHKAMOSHIDA MAINTAINS HIS DOMINANCE OVER THE SCHOOL FOREVER MORE!”_ He paused.  _“SEXUALLY!”_

“ _All of that is true!”_ Shkamoshida said, essentially confessing to a thousand crimes in the middle of the street.  _“Also you’re both expelled!”_

_“Curse you, demonic shatterer of souls! Vile beast! Monster from the pits of Tartarus!  Never shall I forgive you!  Never shall the star of my hate stop burning!  One day, we shall all be free of your cursed slavery, and soar into the sunset like a falcon!”_ Shann said, climbing into Shkamoshida’s lap with a wide smile, to ride his dick as he drove off. 

“I feel like this is moving a _lot_ faster than it actually did in reality,” Akira admitted.

“ _DAMN THAT SHKAMOSHIDA!  FIRST HE STOPS ME FROM SUCKING DICKS—WHICH IS MY **ONE AND ONLY PASSION—** ” _

“For Christ’s sake, dude!” Ryuji screamed.

“— _BUT NOW HE WANTS TO GET US EXPELLED!”_

_“If only there was!  Some way to… … … line!”_ Shakira said, staring just slightly the wrong direction to be facing the camera. 

“Hey, everyone. What are you all doing?” Morgana asked, poking his head into the room through the cat door. 

“We’re watching porn of us,” the team said in unison, their tones feeling slightly dead at the admission, except for Futaba, who sounded happier than she had _ever been,_ and Yusuke, who had stopped paying attention to stare at a stain on the floor. 

“Does it ever bother you that they can talk to that cat?” Sae whispered to Sojiro.

“Every goddamn day.  Whiskey?” Sojiro replied. “Good stuff. Imported.  I was planning to save it for a special occasion, but I think maybe today would be worth it if the alcohol poisoning could kill me during this movie.”

“What?!” Morgana squeaked. “How could anyone do something so base and disgusting?!  Pornographic material of us, the noble Phantom Thieves? We’re heroes!  Legends!”

“Current theory is that it was made by the worst person in all history to destroy all happiness,” Makoto said. “But that’s just a theory.” 

 Morgana drew himself up, offended dignity rolling off him. “Tell me they at least captured us properly?”   

“ _Hey, everyone!  I’m Schmorgana the dog, and I’m here to help you!”_ said a large golden retriever that had been painted black and white.  Or rather, someone off-screen said it as the dog walked by, ignoring Shakira and Ryuji entirely to go sniff a wall. 

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” said the room. 

“…………………………” Morgana said.  “What.”

“W-we’re… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Akira said.  “We’re… weeeee’re… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”  

“HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!” Ann said.

“HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!” Makoto said.

_“Help us, magic dog!  We need your help! To become!  SEXUAL THIEVES!”_ Shakira said.

“ _I sure can do that, because I am in fact a magic dog!”_ Schmorgana said, peeing on the floor.  “ _As we all know, only magic dogs can help people become thieves!”_

“Erm, sorry, Mona.  They, uh, did not capture us properly, I’m afraid,” Haru said.

“Oh God, someone’s going to end up having sex with that dog at some point,” Sae said in abject disgust. “Pour me another drink. A big one.  I need to kill as many of my brain cells as I possibly can.”  

“They _wouldn’t_ ,” Haru said. 

“That isn’t something anyone would want to see, right?” Ann asked desperately. 

“ _Is that dog supposed to be me?!_ ” Morgana yowled. 

“That’s not really what we’re worried about here!”

“ _HELL YEAH! I LOVE BEING A MAGIC THIEF AS MUCH AS I LOVE SUCKIN’ A WHOLE MESS OF DICK!”_ Shryuji roared. 

“God, I fucking hate that guy,” Ryuji said. 

“ _Well, we’ll need to make a contract,_ ” said the voice off-screen that was doing the speaking for Shmorgana. “ _Both of you, take off your pants.”_

“Called it!” Sae said, draining her third shot.  “Man, this is some *hic* good stuff.” 

“But wait, how are they going to…” Makoto began, only to have her eyes widen in abject terror at what was happening on the screen.  “Oh. Um… apparently Shmorgana is a _female_ dog. That… that explains th—”

And that was when the team took their second intermission, as Morgana leaped straight up the wall and, with _unusual_ power for a cat, tore the TV off its wall mount. 


	3. Chapter 3

“I’m a lil’ dizzy,” Sae said cheerfully.  “How about we don’t even watch any more, and just like… get more _whiskey_.”

“No!  We started and we have to _finish_ ,” Futaba snapped, setting up the TV she had forced Ryuji and Makoto to carry back from her house. “If all you didn’t _hate joy_ , we could have done it on _one TV._ ” 

“Or you know, maybe just that none of us want to watch this except you?” Makoto suggested. 

“And why _do_ you, even?!” Akira asked. 

“It is a sick, twisted, mockery of everything we stand for as Phantom Thieves!” Morgana hissed.  “First of all, I am not a dog!  And even if I was, I would _never_ touch Ryuji.”

Ryuji scoffed.  “Bitch, you _wish_ you were my type.”   

Futaba’s jaw dropped.  “After… after all this. After all we’ve _seen_.  After the _joy_ this film has brought… you can still question why this has to be _seen_?!” 

“I question it more than ever, frankly.” Haru admitted.   

“Well, _here_.  I’ll put this _wonderful_ thing in, and you’ll see for a _fact_ how wonderful it is, and we’ll all watch it and have a _great time_!”

“ _Wow, now that we’ve had creepy bestiality sex, you’re all sexual thieves!”_ Schmorgana the dog said.  Well, maybe. It was hard to be sure, because the dog had left the scene and could be heard barking at something off camera.  “ _I know!  We should go use your sexual thievery on that Shkamoshida, to steal his libido!”_

“I do appreciate that even the movie itself has sort of realized it’s creepy.  I don’t think that’s exactly a ‘great time,’ but hey,” Makoto said.

“ _But how can!  We steal!  His… lisbia… libibid…”_ Shakira said, trailing off with the sentence unfinished.  He looked at the camera and mouthed the word a few times, but didn’t really… come up with anything.  At one point he seemed to be saying ‘lasagna.’      

“Christ’s sake, he _just_ said the word in front of you!” Akira screamed, his eye twitching.      

“ _CAN WE STEAL HIS LIBIDO BY SUCKING DICKS? BECAUSE THAT’S REALLY MY ENTIRE SKILLSET!”_ Shryuji said. 

“He’s gonna get old really quickly, isn’t he?” Makoto asked.

“He got old _awhile ago_ ,” Ryuji growled. 

“ _Why yes, we can!_ ” Schmorgana said.  “ _You see, we can use our magic thiefing to go inside his sex drive, and overwhelm him with our_ sexual magic!  _Then, we can give him an orgasm so powerful, he can never have sex again!”_

“Oh God no,” Ann said. 

“That is setting a _bad_ precedent for the rest of our missions,” Makoto said, going pale. 

Sae blinked. “Oh shit, _I_ was one of those missions.  Sakura-san, do you happen to have anything stronger than whiskey? How about some actual poison, maybe?”

“Who painted that dog?” Yusuke asked idly.  “They have some interesting brush work. It really showed up nicely when Ryuji and Akira were nude and making strange thrusting motions against it.”

“… … … Do you have _any_ idea what kind of movie this is, bro?” Ryuji asked.

“A truly terrible performance art piece. Quite a lot of nudity without really making a _statement_. It’s amateurish, to say the least.  Utterly tasteless, really.  I wouldn’t accept it into a showcase.”

“I… … I…” Makoto said.

“We… we _explained_ what we were watching to you,” Haru said in deep, deep confusion.  “Have you not been paying attention this _entire time_ …?”

He pondered this.  “Well, I did learn that Ryuji is great enthusiast of performing oral sex on as many men as he possibly can.”

 _“The Hell, dude?!_ ” Ryuji screamed.   

“Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Forget the fox, the plot is progressing without us!” Futaba snapped. 

“Can we just let it?” Ann asked. “I have a really bad feeling I’m about to—”

 _“Alas and anon, I am beset on all sides by the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune!”_ Shann said, stepping into the scene under a gleaming spotlight. It really showed off quite well how glistening her nude body was, presumably covered in some kind of oil.  “ _For though I bear him no love, Horatio, I am chained to the vile will of a madman, all my days and nights consumed by his cruelty.  Seek aid, you say? Ride west, say I!  Ride west into the setting sun, and speak of aid to the graves of my fallen kinsman!  For none can save Shann, daughter of a dead nation, sole survivor of her people, last blood of the West. None can save her, and she shall fall into the darkness anon, vanishing like a star in the morn.”_

“Oh sweet Christ on toast, she doesn’t even have the t-shirt anymore,” Ann said.

“Does… wait, Ann, aren’t you one-quarter American? Is this woman implying that everyone in the United States is dead in this universe?” Haru asked. “Because I think that’s a little bit worse than one criminal teacher!  Maybe someone should be trying to sexually thieve _that_!”

“Haru, please, don’t think about the plot. You’ll be happier,” Makoto said. 

“ _But hold!  Wherefore doth I find myself?  ‘Tis an otherworldly place!_ ” Shann said, looking around the set.  It didn’t look any different than before. 

“ _WHOOOOOOO!  SEXUAL THIEVES!”_ screamed Shryuji, leaping onto the set.  “ _WE HAVE STEALTHILY ENTERED THE LIBIDO, MOTHERFUCKERS, HELL YEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”_

 _“Gasp and forthwith, noble warrior of yore!  Claim thee that we hast entered a mental dominion?  A land forged not of crude matter, but the will of man?  ‘Tis not possible! Fie, fie I say upon thee!”_ Shann proclaimed. 

“ _No! Shann it is!  True!”_ Shakira said, leaping in to join him.  “ _We have! Made a! Contract with a dog, and now!  Sexually, we are! Here to defeat Shkamoshida!”_

“So… we won’t be wearing masks, then?  At all?  I remember it as kind of a big thing,” Akira said. “And apparently so does whoever made this movie, because _I’m wearing a mask on the front cover_.”

“ _Noble thieves, I do indeed seek to best the foul Shkamoshida. And yet, I find his_ sexual powers _far too extreme. I am but a poor, modest girl, unfit to resist such a beast._ ”

“ _YOU HAVEN’T PUT ON PANTS THIS ENTIRE MOVIE!_ ” Ann shrieked. Sae’s glass shattered in her hand, sending whiskey spilling across the floor. 

“That’s… part of her charm?” Haru said doubtfully.  “I… I… think she’s my favorite character?”

“Not helping, Haru!”

“ _Then join us, Shann!”_ said Schmorgana’s voice as the dog itself curled up and fell asleep.  “ _Only with the combined power of our burning sexualities, can we hope to defeat such a monster!”_

 _“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”_ Shkamoshida said, walking on screen in a pink speedo and a crown.

“Where did he even _come_ from?  Where has _anyone_ come from?  What is going _on_?” Sojiro asked.

“Where did the _whiskey_ come from, and do you have _more_?” Sae countered. 

“ _You think that you can master my sex powers while I am here, in my own sexual world? Fool, I am not Shkamoshida, I am… **GLOOMY SHKAMOSHIDA!** ” _

“Pfffffffffffffffft!”said the room. 

 _“Here, in what is very clearly a palace,”_ he said, gesturing around the set that looked pretty much exactly like the streets outside school, _“you will find I am the most powerful of sexmasters, unstoppable in the power of boning!”_  

“… … … Should I be scared or amused that Shadow Kamoshida in this porn is basically _exactly the same_ as he was in real life?” Akira asked. 

“A little nauseous. You should be a little nauseous,” Ann said.

“Yeah, that sounds about right.”

“Oh. Dear. There was one like this?” Haru asked.  “I’m suddenly very glad I joined last.”

“ _Now, everyone!  We have to join forces to!  Steal his lasagna!”_ Shakira shouted, ripping off his pants for what had to be the tenth time.  Frankly, at this point, it was starting to look like the consistently nude Shann might have the right idea.  “ _Go, magic thieves! Gaze upon!  My magic!”_

“It _is_ pretty magical,” Futaba agreed cheerfully. 

“You know, isn’t it illegal for you to even be watching this?” Sae asked.  “I’m a lil’ too tipsy to remember the laws right now, but… well, if it’s not illegal, it _should_ be.”

“It should be illegal for _anyone_ to watch this,” Sojiro agreed, getting out a new shot glass for Sae and pouring a round for each of them.    

“ _DO YOU HAVE A DICK, SHKAMOSHIDA?!  BECAUSE I’M GOING TO SUCK IT, AND DEEPLY ENJOY THE EXPERIENCE EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE A SWEATY OLD DISGUSTING PERVERT! **THAT’S JUST HOW MUCH I LOVE DOING IT!** ” _Shryuji roared, posing dramatically as he opened a little door on the front of his leather pants to reveal his own ‘magic’.  It had like, a little lightning bolt tattooed on it. That was nice.

“I’m really sorry you got such a one-note character, Ryuji,” Haru said reassuringly.  

“ _That_ is why you think I don’t like that guy? Really?” Ryuji asked in a dull, dead sort of tone.

Makoto coughed. “Well, she isn’t wrong. Once you get past his enthusiasm, there really just isn’t much to him.  I’d wager he won’t even get a character arc.”

“Girls.  I don’t want him to get a character arc. I would pay _literal money_ for him to _die._ ”     

 _“Foul knave who abuses his position of power, gaze upon my awakening as a sexual thief!  Mine power dost roll off me in divine waves!  Azure flames doth burn behind my eyes, showing thee the passion of mine soul!”_ Shann declared, these amazing special effects not actually appearing around her.  But they _sounded_ really cool. 

Shmorgana yawned and rolled over.

“ _Now!  Shkamo! Shida!  We are going to show!  You our sexual!  Thievery!”_ Shakira declared, gyrating his hips. 

“Futaba,” Ann said, watching the screen beginning to dissolve into a pile of moaning, thrusting limbs (and the dog having a nightmare, judging by her legs kicking while she slept) with _disturbing_ speed.  “I just want you to know that I am _not_ going to kill you for this.  I’m thinking about it.  I’m thinking about it in _detail._ But I won’t actually go through with it, because I’m a good person.  I thought that was important to say.”

“ _MMMMMMMM THIS IS SOME GOOD DICK!”_ Shryuji screamed.

“I might kill her,” Ryuji said. 

“ _Take my!  Full thieving power!”_ Shakira said, thrusting.  “ _I’m going to… … … … line!”_  

“I might help,” Akira agreed.

 _“My hatred for social injustice is as mighty and thundering as the orgasm which penises of these three men doth inspire in me!”_ Shann declared. 

“… … …” Ann said.  The silence of the room was deep and terrible, albeit broken somewhat by a lot of moaning, skin slapping together, and a dog whimpering as it chased rabbits in its dreams.  Without another word, she lunged at Futaba to totally not kill her, because she was a good person, only to be intercepted by Makoto halfway there. 

“ _Let me go!  Let me go!  I know what I’m doing! I’m willing to go to jail forever if it ends her evil!”_ Ann hissed as Makoto twisted her arm behind her back. 

“Sorry, Takamaki. I’m just expecting some messages from a university I applied to, so I _really_ need my e-mail back,” she said sadly.   

“ _Hsssssssssssssssssssyargble!”_ Ann argued back, eloquently. 

“Bwahahahahahahaha!  You thought you could defeat me so easily?” Futaba crowed.  “I’ve planned for everything, Panther.  _Everything._ ”

“What about the two television sets?” Yusuke asked.

“… … Hey. Inari. Shut up.” 

“ _I… I… I…!”_ Shkamoshida said, being thrusted upon from a number of angles, most of which didn’t actually look very erotic. Shann appeared to be grinding on his knee, and Shryuji was actually sucking on a space slightly to the left of his right foot.  Shakira was apparently getting into it, because he couldn’t act so he had to be good at _something_ involving porn, but other than that, it wasn’t even clear if the other three knew what sex _was._ Still, for what could be told, it did seem like Shkamoshida was having a good time (or was sick), until he finally screamed, “ _I ammmmm… having an… an orgasm of **mind-changiiiiiiiiiiiing!**_ **”**

“ _And now you are!  A good person!  Who will no longer do the rap!”_ Shakira said. He paused for a few moments.  “ _I meant to say rape!”_

And then the three mighty sexual thieves walked away, all of them still naked and kind of slimy, just leaving their first successful target in the middle of the street.  Schmorgana woke up, yawned, and rolled over to go back to sleep. 

Futaba wiped away a tear of joy.  “That was the best thing I’ve ever seen.  Can you _believe_ there’s four more hours of this?!”

“God, I literally can’t.” Akira said.  “It’s both terrible _and_ large. Like a shark, or the deep hate I feel for every living thing.”

“I want you all to know, that I have felt your pain and I will move to change the world in your honor. I hope to someday use my wealth to ensure nothing like this is ever made again,” Haru said helpfully.  “It hurts to see it hurt my friends like this.”

“And you know you’ll be showing up in it at some point,” Ryuji said.

“Shhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re pretending I have no selfish motives, good friend.”    

“ _Wow, friends!  I am!  So!  Glad that we!  Were able to steal Shkamoshida’s limbozo!”_ Shakira declared, thrusting into Shann on the roof of the school while she moaned.

“Why!   Does he still not!  Know that word?!” Akira growled.  “Libido!  It’s not _complicated_ , for fuck’s sake!”

“Dear lord, are they celebrating their orgy by having an orgy?” Sae asked in some mixture of awe and disgust.  “These people might not have much in the way of acting talent, but I can’t exactly deny they have some ridiculous stamina.” 

“You’d be surprised how much that isn’t comforting,” Ann grumbled. 

“ _Verilyyyyyy!  T-thrust thine manhood into mine most s-sacred areaaaaaaah!  N-noble hero, I am thine forevermore, ‘till the moon sets ‘pon the lands of twilight b-beyond the seeeeeeeeeeea!”_

“You know, if she was playing anyone else, I would almost admire her. She _clearly_ doesn’t know what movie she’s in, despite having had sex on-camera like five times already,” Ann said.  “But as it is, I wish I could go back in time to kill her mother before she was born.”

“Hehehehehe. The Term-Ann-ator,” Futaba giggled. 

“We’re not friends anymore, Futaba. You don’t get to make puns about me.”

Futaba pouted.  She had a great pout, but oddly nobody seemed to pity her very much.  “Oh come _on_ , you have to admit you’re having fun. This is art!”

“ _Bark! Bark!_ ” Schmorgana said, before Schmorgana’s voice said, “ _Someone shut that dog up before it ruins the take!”_

“… … Okay, not _great_ art, but…” 

“Please never call this amateurish production ‘art’ again,” Yusuke said.  “I am preparing a list of filming errors and improperly constructed setpieces that I will be mailing to the distributors later.” 

“ _WOW, THAT ORGY WAS FUN!  I’M SO GLAD I GOT TO SUCK SOME DICKS AGAIN!  HAVE I MENTIONED THAT I ENJOY THAT?!”_ Shryuji said, slightly louder than usual (if that was possible).  “ _BUT YOU KNOW, I THINK WE SHOULD KEEP DOING THAT!”_

_“I agree, friend!  Shryuji, we should!  Steal the Luigis of man! Y!  More people who use their sex!  As a weapon, to opp! Ress the weak!”_

“Did he start inserting breaks into the middle of _words_?” Haru asked in horrified fascination.  “I mean, he always had some _odd_ enunciation, but… does he somehow not know how to _talk_?”

“Wouldn’t know. I’m still half deaf from Ryuji’s screaming,” Makoto said. 

“Hey!  That dude is _not_ affiliated with me!”

“Shryuji, sorry.” 

“ _Verily_ , _though I am a virginal flower who knows not the ways of the marriage bed…_ ” Shann began. 

“I think literally every word of that sentence was a lie except for ‘verily,’” Sojiro noted.  “And frankly, I don’t trust that one either.”

_“… but I too seek to save the weak and helpless, as they are abused by those who seek to use the noble art of fornication for villainy!  Verily, shalt we three form a pact, and in so doing defeat the dark and villainous? Excelsior!”_

_“Four! Don’t forget me, the magic dog!”_ Schmorgana’s voice said. Off-screen, someone could be heard trying to drag the actual dog back onto the set, while it growled at something.  Maybe a rat had gotten on set, certainly the place looked old enough.  “ _I have always wanted to save people with orgasms, as all dogs do!”_

“God, I hope that isn’t actually true,” Makoto said. “Our neighbor down the street just bought a puppy.  I’d spend the rest of its life feeling like I was being stalked.”

“Don’t worry. Real dogs aren’t creepy like Morgana,” Haru said.

“Hssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssgrrrrrrrrrgle!” Morgana said.

“Um, sorry, I meant Shmorgana is the creepy one! Oh, this is so hard to keep track of.  And the dialogue is _really_ bad…” she fretted.

“I dunno, Mona actually is pretty creepy all on his own.  He might actually be a little _worse_ than the dog,” Ryuji said. Then he had a furious cat latched onto his face, which was a really nice distraction from the movie for the next few minutes.


	4. Chapter 4

“Okay, guys, this was fun for awhile, but we’re missing the plot,” Futaba whined, as Makoto and Haru tried to peel the hissing ball of fur and teeth off Ryuji.

“Do we care?” Sojiro asked, eating some popcorn as he watched the screaming young man being mauled. 

“ _I think we!  Should next have!  Artist sex!”_ Shakira declared.

“Nope, the animal attack show is better.”

 “ _It’s not a show, man, he’s tearing my flesh!”_ Ryuji screamed.

“Fine, so it’s a _live_ show.  Even better! You usually need tickets for those,” Sojiro said cheerfully.

“Ooooh, the café has a live floor show! How _fancy_!” Haru squealed.  “I should have one when I open my own place!  Ryuji, how much do you charge?”

 “ _The cat has fangs! Faaaaangs!”_ Ryuji said.  

_“_ Hssssssssssssssssssssssssgrrrrrarg!” Morgana said.

“So… would that be _more_ than minimum wage, or…? Just because, I’m afraid I don’t know if I can afford much when I’m just getting started…” Haru said.   

“Off, cat!” Makoto screamed, finally ripping the snarling animal from the young man’s face.  “Seriously, have you been taking cat steroids?!”

“He’s had this coming since the day we met!  I’ll kill him!” Morgana shrieked.

“Bring it, bitch!  See how long you last when you don’t start the fight with a sucker punch!” Ryuji snarled. 

“You guys!  Shut up! I’m trying to watch, and… hells yeah, Yusuke is here!” Futaba squealed. 

 “ _Hail, beautiful blonde woman.  I wish to paint yoHAACKOUGHHACK HACK!”_ said a skeletally thin, unhealthily pale young man as he walked up to the heroes as they lay naked in the middle of the subway platform after their sixth or seventh threesome. 

“Yes, I am here.” Yusuke said.  “I have been all along.”     

 “ _I am Shyusuke, an art student of the legendary artist COUGH HACK HACK GACK Shmadarame.  I apologize for GACK! GACK, GAAAAAAAAACK my poor health.  My master feeds me on paper and sewer water, to keep me inspired.  He is a kind man.  HORK!  HORRRRRRK!”_ Shyusuke said, coughing up blood. It looked _distressingly real,_ considering the film’s poor special effects budget.    

“I have concerns,” Haru said. 

“Is it me, or Yusuke… um… sick?” Ann asked.

“No, I feel all right,” Yusuke said. 

“Sorry, Shyusuke.”

 “ _You seem inter!  Esting, and also!  A smart man!”_ Shakira said, stepping back from the blood.   “ _Wanna have sex?”_

“Okay, you know what jackass, there’s a time and place,” Akira grumbled. 

“ _Sadly, I HORRRRK, GGGGGGGRRRAAAACCKGL, am forbidden to have sex or any other kind of fun, because it might harm my artworks,_ ” Shyusuke said, somehow getting even more pale.   “ _I am definitely not being exploited._ ”   

“ _Shyusuke!  Nobody has the!  Right to forbid you from!  Orgies!”_ Shakira said, striking a pose that was… probably supposed to be heroic?  “ _Seek your!  Sexual freedom!_ ” 

“ _Verily, we shalt be pleased to free thee from the grasp of thine oppressor!  Fight on, young phoenix, and rise thee from the ashes of mediocrity!”_ Shann added. 

 “ _Gasp!”_ Shyusuke said.  _“How could you!  To imply I would ever betray my beloved sensei, who treats me so well!  Certainly he controls all facets of my life and I must give him all my art and he beats me daily with an old length of pipe, but he gives me an old rug in his basement to sleep on!  I have all the paper I can eat, and have my own hole to the sewer for life-giving water!  HORRK!  HRRRRRRRRRKKKKKKAAAAAAAAAAKC!”_ He added, collapsing to the floor and gasping for air.  

“Yes, but, is it his _character_ living on paper and sewer water, or his _actor_?” Makoto asked in genuine concern.  “I normally don’t want to see these people having sex scenes because they’re awful, but in his case I’m just afraid if he takes his clothes off we’ll see he has leprosy.” 

“Hey, these sex scenes are _great_.  I should know, I’ve hacked literally hundreds of porn sites to let people’s spouses know about their weird fetishes!” Futaba snapped.   

“Were you aware your child is a monster?” Sae asked, holding out her glass for Sojiro to refill. 

“I’ve learned many things today that I didn’t want to know.  Futaba’s weird hobbies were sadly not one of them,’” Sojiro said flatly.  “ _Just_ like her mother.  It’s uncanny, really _._ ”  

Futaba wiped away a tear of joy. “You’re the best, Sojiro.”

“ _Shyusuke, have you ever considered! **Sexual** art?!” _Shakira asked. 

“Ah, so they are encouraging him to try erotica. It has never been my passion, but some find true meaning in it.  I wish this young artist well,” Yusuke said. “I must admit, the quality of this film is unexpectedly improving! I look forward to seeing his growth.”  

 _“YOU GUYS I HAVEN’T SUCKED A DICK IN LIKE TEN MINUTES I’D REALLY LIKE TO SUCK SOME DICKS!”_ Shryuji said. 

“It is _not improving_ ,” Ryuji whispered, his tone as cold and dark as the heart of a dead star.

“And I _genuinely_ do not believe they are encouraging him to make different art styles, Yusuke,” Makoto said sadly.

“Do you _seriously_ not spot the… do you _not know_ … how have you not worked out what’s going on here?!” Ann snapped.  “What movie do you think we’re watching, you unspeakable twit?!”

“ _What is this… sexual art, you speak of?  My master says that sexuality ruins the mind and kills puppies, and has demanded I become a eunuch on my eighteenth birthday.”_

Shakira smiled, and said, “ _I have forgotten my line.  I’m sorry, I just didn’t look at the script really well before we started… could we get some cue cards or something?_ ”

“ _Gasp!”_ Shann said, looking a little annoyed at having to pick up the scene.  _“Art thou truly suggesting that I, Shann Shtakamaki, should poseth nude for yon artist! But I am so modest and genteel!”_

“You!  Are already!  Naked!” Ann shrieked. 

 _“No, Shann!  Not just pose nude!”_ Shakira declared. “ _You must seduce him away from! His evil master, using your beauty and sexuality!  For as sexual thieves, we must!  Thieve!  Sexually!_ _”_

 _“I know not... I have so little experience with the ways of men,_ ” Shann murmured demurely, causing Ann to drop and go for her shoe.  Makoto tackled her, right on cue. 

“You know, I sometimes wonder if these kids should be allowed to hang out together,” Sae said.  “I mean, I guess friendship is okay, but they’re a bunch of monsters.  I’m gonna order a pizza, anyone want some pizza?” 

“This is a restaurant, you realize,” Sojiro grumbled. 

“Yeah, but not like, a _real_ one.  You just make curry and coffee.  And… and…” she blinked, and giggled. “You have a _beard_.  Who even are you?”

“Sis, maybe you should take a break on the whiskey?” Makoto suggested, pinning Ann to the ground for the third time that day.  “Nothing personal, it’s just you’ve drunk enough to kill a child.”

Sae rolled her eyes, staring at a space slightly to the left of her sister.  “ _I’ll_ decide when I’ve had enough, Betty.”

“… … … Who is Betty, and why do you think you’re talking to her…?”  

“You guys!  You are ruining!  The _experience!_ ”  Futaba shrieked.  “ _Pay attention!_ ” 

“ _Greetings, children!  I am the great artist, Shmadarame_ ,” said a man who had to be at least seventy years old and _most definitely_ looked it.  This was easy to see, because the kimono he was wearing was almost completely transparent and beneath it he was wearing a leather corset and a thong that was entirely too small for anyone’s comfort.  “ _Shyusuke, I hope you weren’t discussing sexual topics.  As you know, you’re forbidden to have any joy in your life.”_

“ _HOOOOOOORK.  RRRAAAAAAAAAAAACCK!”_ Shyusuke said by way of reply. 

 “ _… Okay, I know the script calls for ‘pale and sickly,’ but are we sure he’s okay?”_ Shmadarame asked.

 _“Just do the scene!”_ screamed Schmorgana the dog’s voice from off-screen. The actual dog was nowhere to be seen; presumably it had found someone’s lunch off in the crew areas.   

“ _GACK!  GAAAAACK!”_ Shyusuke said, passing out. 

“ _Um… I… yeah.  I forbid you to… to do… whatever you wanted to do,”_ Shmadarame said.  “ _And I won’t… won’t change my mind no matter what.  Because artists must never be… sexual? I guess?_ _”_

 _“Gasp!”_ Shakira said. “ _You are so deeply!  Evil and!  Ruining the life!  Of your student!  We, the sexual thieves!  Will steal your Lilliput!”_

“If I could reach into the screen and kill him, I would,” Akira said. 

“ _Oh.  Huh. Well, I’m going to have you arrested._ ” Shmadarame said, dragging Yusuke off-screen by his limp arm. 

“ _OH NO!  THAT PUNK-ASS BITCH IS GOING TO HAVE US ARRESTED BECAUSE HE HATES THE FREEDOM SEXUALITY OFFERS THE YOUNG PEOPLE!”_ Shryuji declared. 

“ _Verily doth I detest the elderly, for they look down ever upon the young!”_ Shann agreed.  _“Much like Shkamoshida, this dark and wizened old crone doth seek to destroy the youth of this nation, just as mine own homeland was devastated by the White Walkers!”_

“Okay, I feel like that is _definitely_ untrue,” Haru said. 

“Do you suppose the production values are so low because they got sued a bunch of times while making this?” Sojiro asked, pouring Sae another glass. 

“This pizza ish _great,_ ” Sae said, eating curry.  “You are jusht the _besht_ pizza maker, beard man.”   

“I would yell at you for getting my sister drunk, Boss, but to be totally blunt I suspect she’s the happiest person in the room right now,” Makoto said.  “Try not to give her alcohol poisoning.”

“Well, she drank most of my bottle by herself, so if she dies it’s her own fault,” Sojiro said sadly, looking at his newly emptied bottle of special-occasion whiskey. “I was hoping I would lose consciousness from this, but I only got like three shots. No good deed goes unpunished.”

“Giving way too much alcohol to a woman is a good deed?” Akira asked.

“ _WE NEED TO GO FIND THAT OLD MAN AND HAVE ALL THE SEX WITH HIM!”_ Shryuji declared on the screen. 

“In this particular moment, I legitimately feel like killing her to spare her from all of this would be a ‘good deed,’ so yes,” Sojiro replied bluntly.

“ _Come, sexual thieves!  We must!  … Come!”_ Shakira declared. The group put on their Sexual Thief costumes, which would have normally been taking off all their clothes, but they had already done that a while ago and nobody seemed to notice.    

“Please tell me they aren’t really going to have sex with Madarame,” Ann said, her tone cold and dead inside.

Yusuke’s eyes widened. “Sensei?!  He never mentioned being in a film of this sort!”

“Yusuke, for fuck’s sake, learn to read the situation.”

“ _Cursed whelp!”_ Shmadarame said, in what was probably supposed to be his private studio but which looked a _lot_ like a sex dungeon.  “ _How dare you consider…_ sexual art?!  _The one kind of art that I can never do, despite my incredible beauty!”_ he snapped, gesturing at his withered old man body.

“… Really?” Ryuji asked.      

“ _I never meant it, sensei!  I promise only to paint boring and sexless things like you’ve always asked!  HRRRAKAKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARK!”_ Shyusuke said, hacking up something that was purple and smoking. 

“… _Okay, I’m trying to do the scene, but he seems really sick, and….”_

  “Just do the scene or you don’t get paid, dammit!” Schmorgana’s voice said. 

“ _Jesus, fine.  Ahem_ … _foolish child, how dare you ruin my life in such a way!  I have long ago lost the power to have orgasms, which is why I entrap young artists, to ensure they never have orgasms either!”_

Haru blinked.  “I question why this is something he would value.”

“ _Now go!  Go forth, and make art for me without any sexuality at all!  You must paint only jars of dirt and plates of pancakes forevermore!_ _”_ Shmadarame screamed, beating Shyusuke with a riding crop.  “ _If you ever have sexual thoughts again, I shall kill you!  And also ruin your art career!  Now take off your pants that I may smack your pert ass, which brings me the closest thing I can feel to the perfect joy of casual sex with a stranger!_ _”_

 _“Did someone say ‘casual sex with’ … … … Line!  Why do none of you support me?!_ _”_ Shakira said, leaping onto the scene.  “ _We have come!  To steal!  You!  And… that!  Shut up!  Where are my cue cards?!”_

“ _Gasp!”_ Shmadarame said.  “ _The sexual thieves, those legendary outlaws who steal the libidos of the wicked!_ _”_

“How are they legendary?!” Morgana hissed.  “The way this is set up, they only had their first ‘operation’ half an hour ago! They didn’t even send a calling card! Nobody even knows they did anything!”

“We know what they did,” Ann said in a haunted tone. “We saw it _all_.  God, we saw it all…” 

“Please. _Please._ I am begging you, do _not_ let them fuck that old dude. I took the dog. I took Kamoshida. But if Madarame takes off that thong, I swear to God, I will destroy everyone who had anything to do with this movie being made,” Ryuji said.  He had never sounded so deeply, truly murderous, not even when facing down literal sociopaths that he had hated with all his heart. 

Shmadarame took off his thong, screaming, “ _Come to me then, sexual thieves! See if your amazing prowess can make even me, the most beautiful ancient sterile man, lose his libido through mind-sex!”_

“Yup, they’re all dead. Gimme the DVD case. I’m copying some names down.”

“Huh,” Yusuke said.  “Am I correct in assuming that this film is in some way derived from our operations as the Phantom Thieves?”

“How?!  How could you _just now_ realize that?!” Ann shrieked.     

“And as that elderly gentleman making love to Shakira is meant to be Madarame, I assume that this means the sexual thieves are, in fact, you?” Yusuke asked. 

“Yes!  Yes, idiot!  Of course yes!” Ryuji screamed.  “It’s the worst thing in the universe has ever produced and we’ve all been suffering through it for an hour, and you _just now_ work out what’s happening?!  Just now?!”

“ _THIS OLD MAN’S DICK JUST WON’T GET HARD NO MATTER HOW GOOD I SUCK ON IT!”_ Shryuji screamed.

“ _Alas!  No matter how much I stimulate his elderly face with mine lily white bosoms, he doth show no pleasure in it!”_ Shann added.

“ _Don’t give up!  Sexual thieves!  We must keep!  Doing the sex!”_ Shakira said, doing the sex.  Off-screen, Shmorgana barked at something. 

“Add one more thing to the list of things I would have been happier to die without seeing,” Sojiro said. 

“You guysh! You guysh!  We should make _wafflesh_ ,” Sae said with a giggle.  “The picture onna TV ish _dishgusghting._ But you know what’sh not dishgushting?  Wafflesh.  With _shyrup._ ”  

“Where did she get another bottle of whiskey?!” Makoto demanded.

“Huh. You know, I have no idea,” Sojiro admitted.   

“And if the sexual thieves are the Phantom Thieves,” Yusuke continued, apparently not noticing anything going on around him now that he’d gone on his own little tangent, “can I assume that the pale young artist is, in fact, myself?”

“Yusuke.  I know you’re a good guy. But you’re a _giant_ nitwit sometimes,” Akira said. “Yes. Yes, that is us. And that pale young disease-ridden whipping slave is you.  Like we explained. More than once. Including at the very beginning.”

“Huh,” Yusuke said.  “interesting.”

“ _Wait!”_ Shyusuke said. “ _The only thing that can make sensei feel pleasure is whipping my buttocks with his artistic riding crop!  If you want to sex him, you must allow him to take swing after swing against my tight, tight little booty!”_

And then the fourth intermission began, as Yusuke reached over to the bar, picked up Sae’s empty bottle of whiskey, and hurled it against TV with quite excellent accuracy. 

Futaba sighed. “Dammit, record broken.” 


	5. Chapter 5

“This is a terrible idea,” Sojiro said, as the group walked down the street toward the Sakura household and the pristine televisions therein. 

“Hush!  We need a new TV and we need a room without throwable objects!” Futaba snapped. “That’s the problem. That’s our _problem._ LeBlanc just has too much crap to throw!  And too many _jerks_ who want to _throw it_!”

“I maintain it was the only sane response,” Yusuke said.  “This film is a travesty.”

“ _Thank you,_ ” said everyone other than Futaba (who maintained that this film was essential viewing) and Sae (who had fallen asleep and was being carried by her sister).

“Did you see the artworks hanging in the background of that studio?” Yusuke asked.  “They were amateurish at best, outright _hideous_ at worst. The brushwork was reminiscent of a toddler’s first finger paintings!  To think anyone would claim I created such garbage!”

“… _That_ is why you’re upset?” Ann said, one eye twitching dangerously. 

“I didn’t even notice there _were_ paintings in the…. ‘studio,’” Haru said.

Ryuji sighed. “Dude. Call it what it was. A sex dungeon.” 

“… I know, but that’s just such an uncouth term.”

“Well, get used to it, because I suspect it won’t be the last one to appear in the movie,” Makoto muttered. “Do we _really_ have to keep watching, Futaba? We’ve already lost three televisions and Ryuji’s face.”

“I’m not apologizing for that,” Morgana said. 

“You never apologize for anything, jackass,” Ryuji snapped.  “Don’t think I haven’t noticed.  ‘Oooooh, I’m _Morgana_ I’m so _special,_ I’m a magic _cat_ so I can be a _douchebag_ whenever I _want_ and nobody ever _calls me on it._ ’  Well I’m calling you on it, and I’ll get you for it someday. I’m plotting _right now_.”  

“Oh, so I should be scared when you finish having a thought? That gives me a solid twenty years of good life before a problem starts.”

“All of you!  All of you _shut up!_ ” Futaba shrieked.  “I will _burn you,_ do you understand? The internet itself will become an unspeakable swamp of poison that will _destroy your lives_. All your friends will think you’re Jack the Ripper, all your grades will be F’s, and any time you try to order something off Amazon you’ll just get a box of snakes.  _We are watching this movie._ ”

“I hate your daughter,” Akira said to Sojiro.  “I didn’t used to. But she’s really made an enemy here, and I’m going to have to take horrible, _horrible_ revenge on her one day. Just throwing that out there.  Can I still stay in the apartment over your café?”   

“I’d normally say ‘no,’ but I actually think you’re in the right here.”

“You’re a good man, sir.”

“Okay!” Futaba said, cracking the front door to her house open. “I’m going to set up. Leave anything that can be thrown out here. Watches, drinks, shoes, anything hard enough to go through glass if you chuck it.”

“Seriously, kids, I’m already down two TVs from you. These things aren’t free,” Sojiro pleaded. “I know this is the worst thing ever, but.”

“Wheresh the wafflesh…” Sae murmured, before starting to snore again.

“Awwwww, she’s so happy,” Haru said.  “It’s rare to see your sister really relaxing and having fun, Makoto.  Maybe this has been worth it.”   

“Hey, guys!” Futaba said, poking her head back out. “We’re all set, and back up to the part where the old dude spanks Yusuke while everyone else sucks on him.”

“No,” Makoto said. “No, none of this has been worth it.  Not one damn moment of it.” 

“Shut up!  The movie’s already playing! We’re missing important stuff!” Futaba squealed.

 _“Damn you, sexual thieves!  Smacking a pert, pert teenage ass is filling my soul with joy!  I… I am beginning to feel sexuality for the first time in eighty years!”_ said Shmadarame as the sound from the TV drifted outside.

Akira sighed. “Let’s go inside. I would legitimately rather watch the movie than risk anyone _knowing_ I watched the movie.”

With the aura of people going to a funeral, the group funneled into the living room of the Sakura household, where a distressingly large television sat. It was not high-def, thank God, but making the picture bigger did _nothing_ to help the quality of the film. Quite the opposite, in fact. 

“Oh, look, the picture is so much larger,” Ann said. “I’ll be right back, you guys, I’m going to go find the bathroom and throw up for a while.” 

“ _Oh!  Oooooh, my wrinkly old man penis is filled with sexual bliss!_ _”_

“I’ll join you,” Makoto said.  “I shouldn’t have had such a big lunch. Or any lunch. Or any food at all today or yesterday.”

“ _Orgasssssssm!  Orgassssssm of miiiiiiiiiiiiind-chaaaaaaaaaaaaaanging!_ _”_ Shmadarame screamed. 

“Yeah, okay, how about we pause the movie for awhile and we _all_ go throw up?” Ryuji asked. 

“No pausing! We’ve been too delayed as it is!” Futaba declared.  “Look, the team is growing!”

“ _Thank you so much for saving me, sexual thieves! I have spent countless years never having orgasms, but now I am free.  No longer will I, the young youth, be oppressed by the elder… Hrrkrrr… gack!  Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! M… m-my heart…!”_ Shyusuke said. 

“ _Yes, Shyusuke!  We are!  Happy to welcome you to the! Team!_ _”_ Shakira said. 

“ _Aye, and verily shalt we gather your power unto our cause, cutting forth through the slings and arrows of our foes to claim eternal victory ‘gainst the dark lord Mephistopheles!_ _”_ Shann declared.

 _“HEY SHYUSUKE I CAN’T HELP BUT NOTICE YOU HAVE A DICK, AND I’M SORT OF AN ENTHUSIAST IF YOU WANNA JUST GET NAKED!_ _”_

“ _That’s right, gang!  I’m so glad we have a new member of the team!_ _”_ Schmorgana said, wandering onto the screen with a dead squirrel in her mouth.  

“ _Horrrrrk!  HOOOOOOORK!_ _”_ Shyusuke said, before falling over.

“ _Hey, is he o-_ “ Shann began to say, before the film skipped and Shyusuke was standing up again, propped against the wall with a smile on his face.  “ _B-boy I… sure am… glad we… had that._ _”_

“Is she okay?” Haru asked. “She’s not quite as… flowery.”

“Hey, uh, does Shyusuke seem… stiff to anyone else?” Ann asked.   

“God, did you have to use the word ‘stiff?’” Ryuji muttered. 

“ _Y-yes. I’m excited for our… our second adventure.  As friends,”_ Shakira said.  He noticeably didn’t request his line. 

“ _OH GOD WE’RE ALL GOING TO PRISON!_ ” Shryuji wailed. 

 _“Hahahaha, friends, we aren’t going to prison! Just ask me, Shyusuke, who is fine!”_ Shyusuke said. Or rather, someone off screen said, while Shyusuke’s head kind of jerkily nodded.

“G-guys… why isn’t… why isn’t Shyusuke talking?”  Makoto asked, a chill running over the room.

“I’m sure he’s just… tired,” Futaba said. 

“I… wait, did they…” Akira muttered, leaning in closer to the TV. “I can kinda see something attached to him if I focus.  Is he… yeah, I think he’s on some kinda strings. What’s up with that?”

The room, as a whole, went deadly silent as the group, each in their own minds, pieced together the evidence as they had collected it. They were pretty smart kids and cat, and even as the people on the screen kind of awkwardly looked anywhere other than Shyusuke, they, each on his or her own, reached pretty much the exact same working theory. 

“ _H…ahhaha… yes, Shyusuke is fine. Shyusuke is totally fine… and we’ll_ all _be fine if we just keep quiet…”_ said Shmorgana’s voice. The real Shmorgana was gnawing on Shyusuke’s foot.  “ _It will all be fiiiine… nobody question anything, and **no phone calls**_ , _do you understand?!  We’ll all!  Be!  Fine!_ _”_

Shann began to sob. 

Shyusuke fell over, and was kind of limply dragged back into a standing position by the strings Akira had spotted. 

“Futaba,” Makoto said, very softly. “Did you, by any chance, buy us a _snuff film_?”

“No!  I mean… they didn’t… in order for it to be a snuff film he would have to be…” Futaba began. 

“ _OH GOD HE’S DEAD!_ ” Haru shrieked, and the crowd went _wild._

“What the shit?! What the shit movie did this turn into?! There’s a fuckin’ dead guy on the screen, dammit!” Ryuji screamed.

“We’re going to jail just for being in the same room as this!” Ann squeaked.  “Oh God there’s a lawyer here! She’s going to arrest us all and we’re gonna get haaaaaaaaaanged!”

“Mmmmm… wafflesh…” Sae murmured.

“Well, on the plus side, I don’t think you’re in trouble from _her_ ,” Sojiro said.  “Now, everyone, calm down.”

“ _We’re watching a snuff film, boss!”_ Makoto screamed. 

“No, a snuff film would be if they murdered him.  They didn’t!  They’re just… you know, keeping him handy.” he paused. “Any of you ever see that old American flick, ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’?  I mean, sure, this isn’t exactly morally upstanding, but it’s probably not a crime to watch it.  Probably.” He paused again.  “They definitely won’t hang any of you for it.”

“Any of _us?!_ You’re here too, Sojiro!” Akira said, his eyes wild.

Sojiro smiled reassuringly.  “Oh, please, kids, you think I’m going to get arrested for this?  This isn’t my first rodeo.  I’ll be sure to visit you all in prison, though.”

“Guys!  Guys!  Chill out!  We are not going to prison!” Futaba said.

“Is this not illegal?” Haru squeaked in desperate hope.

“I have no idea, but we’re not getting _caught_ , so who cares?” Futaba asked. “Please. Do you have any idea how many times I’ve hacked into government records just for fun?  There are cybercrime divisions across the world looking for me as we speak, and they’ve never come close. There will be no consequences for anything we do here.”

“ _Guys, guys! Chill out!  We are not going to prison_! ” Shmorgana said. 

“ _I-is it not illegal to keep his corpse around instead of paying for a new actor?_ _”_ Shann asked.

“ _I have no idea, but we’re not getting **caught** so who cares?” Do you have any idea how much weird, twisted shit is out there on the internet right now, and the people who make it never get caught? And compared to them, we’re actually pretty mild here! We didn’t even kill the guy!  There will be no consequences for anything we do here.” _

“… … Guys, do you think maybe Futaba likes to watch things like this because she’s just a terrible person?” Haru asked. 

“You just now caught this?” Ryuji asked. 

 _“Guys, do you think maybe, just maybe, this isn’t an avant garde production of Hamlet?”_ Shann asked. 

“ _YOU JUST NOW CAUGHT THAT?_ _”_ Shryuji asked. 

“You know, Sae, the worst part of all this is that the people making the cheap weird death-porn didn’t actually get these kids that _wrong_ ,” Sojiro said, a little sadly.

“Mmmmmmmmmmmm waffleshes…” Sae said.

“I’m just going to take that as a sign you’re agreeing with me.”

“ _Look, okay, we have… SHIT, WHY IS THE CAMERA STILL ROLLING!  CUT, CUT, C-”_ said Shmorgana’s voice off-screen. The film cut to black for about thirty seconds, and when it came back on, the group and Shyusuke’s corpse were standing on a completely different set. 

“… You know, a man has literally died on-screen in this movie, and yet somehow the worst thing about it is still the editing,” Yusuke said. 

“God, it hurts to agree with that statement, but he isn’t wrong,” Ann said. 

“Hey, they do their best!  They have to make these films with a very limited budget!” Futaba protested. 

“I guess they probably used most of it to bury the _corpses_ ,” Akira muttered.

“Only one corpse! … That we know of!”

“ _So guys!  I think now that Shyusuke…”_

 _“Who is alive!_ _”_ Shyusuke said, his corpse jerking around slightly to show aliveness.  

 _“Yes, he is alive!  I think that now that living Shyusuke is alive and part of the team!  We should!  Sexually thief the yakuza!_ _”_ Shakira declared.  

_“DUDE I TOTALLY BITCHIN’ HATE CRIME!_ _”_

 _“You know, I’m not sure I should be here. This isn’t the kind of production I think I want on my IMDB page,”_ Shann said.

 _“Just fucking do it or we’ll sue you!”_ Shmorgana screamed. 

“ _Fine, fine. Um… verily, doth the thieves become the heroes, when gazeth upon the darkness of greater thieves doth we!”_

Ann sighed. “Seriously.  What movie did she think she was in? And what movie does she think she’s in right now? I’m not even angry anymore, I’m just so painfully curious.” 

“ _IT WILL BE SO MUCH BETTER TO SUCK THE DICKS OF CRIMINALS THAN THAT GROSS OLD MAN DICK, TOO!”_ Shryuji said. “ _CRIMINALS ARE YOUNG AND VIGOROUS, AND THEY’VE GOT BIG, THICK, THROBBING DICKS!”_

“I’m still angry. I’m going to be angry for the rest of my life,” Ryuji said.  His voice was oddly, eerily calm, and yet there was something cruel and malicious beneath it.  

“ _Did someone say… the yakuza?!”_ said a deep, deep, _deep_ voice from off-screen.  “ _I have been assigned to defeat the yakuza by the principal of our school!  Perhaps we could join forces.”_

Makoto’s eyes widened. “No. Please no.” 

The man who walked on-screen could reasonably be called a giant.  He was at least eight feet tall, and built like a truck, with the muscles of a professional weight lifter.  This was somewhat at odds with the fact he was wearing a high-school uniform that literally strained at the seams with each movement, actually tearing open within a few seconds as he stepped on-screen and flexed.  “ _Greetings, fellow students! I am student council president and master of martial arts, Shmakoto Shnijima!”_

“ ** _THEY MADE ME A MAN?!_** ” Makoto screamed, and everyone who lived in a three-block radius around the Sakura house jumped halfway out of their skin at the sheer, unbridled fury.

Futaba, with as much discretion as possible, pushed the pause button on the player remote.  “Now, Makoto, I know you probably _want_ to smash the TV, but… well, I mean it isn’t mine… and Dad has just been through so much… and your eyes are… slightly glowing, but … … So hey, who else wants to take a break?! Please?!” Futaba asked, glancing back at the TV in protective terror. 

“ **GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAHGGGGGGGGGLR!**

“That’s one vote!”  


	6. Chapter 6

The rest of the group, who normally would have been _mercilessly_ laughing at their friend, backed away slowly.  You could laugh at Akira, or Ann, or Ryuji (especially Ryuji) but when Makoto was really, genuinely angry, you stepped off.  Preferably to another city. 

“Now, Mako-chan…” Haru began.   

“They made! Me!  A _man!_ A _giant, sweaty, man!”_ Makoto snarled. 

“A very… very _handsome_ one!” Ann said helpfully. “You’re just… so darn handsome!”

“And _dignified!_ ” Ryuji agreed. 

“Why, I think he’s the best character in the movie!” Morgana declared.

“ _I was planning to kill all the criminals with my giant muscles, but now I think it might be more efficient to just have lots of sex with them!  I’m well-known for being the most manly of men, so I need to have the most manly sex!”_ Shmakoto said.  “ _Who wants to have sex while we LIFT WEIGHTS?!  It’s the only way I can get hard, except for being STUDENT COUNCIL PRESIDENT!”_  

“…. Okay, he’s not _super_ dignified, but I really think he’s got some charming points to him,” Akira said diplomatically. 

“I’ll kill him!  I’ll kill _everyone!”_ Makoto hissed.  She appeared to be vibrating, as if murderous energy was building in her very bones in preparation to explode in a city-destroying fireball.    

“Um, guys, I know I said the same thing? But it’s just that Makoto could actually really hurt someone. And I think ‘someone’ is us,” Ann said.

“We didn’t do anything!” Futaba said. 

“ _We_ didn’t!  _You_ did!” Ryuji snapped. “You did all of this, and you damn well better fix it!” 

“I just got us this great movie! I didn’t know you were all going to be all crazy about it!” 

“The movie! Isn’t!  Great!” Ann hissed.

“Okay! Okay! Makoto!  We can… it goes against everything I believe in as a person, but we can skip your scenes!” Futaba said.   

“No,” Yusuke said.  

“ _The shit, man?!”_ Ryuji snarled, watching Makoto grow steadily redder. She wasn’t on fire, _yet_ , but it seemed like only a matter of time.   

“How is that fair to the rest of the team?  We should all face equal suffering,” Yusuke said.  “It is the only way we can grow as a group. Otherwise, we are unbalanced.”

“ _You didn’t even suffer!”_

“I did. I had to see that entirely amateurish art display.”

“You know, I don’t think there even _was_ any art,” Haru said suspiciously. 

Yusuke sniffed. “Not _real_ art, certainly.”

Makoto took in several deep breaths, each one making the room slightly colder as she took the heat of the universe into herself to fuel the fire raging in her soul.  “I.  Will.  Allow it.  Because.  Everyone else.  Had to.  But after this.  _Thing_. Is done.  We burn this disc.  And anyone. Who ever worked on it.”

Sojiro coughed. “Um, you know, you kids have brought up murder an awful lot today, and… I’m not saying you seem _oddly_ serious about it, but… you probably shouldn’t.  Your childhoods have been screwed up enough as it is.” 

“They aren’t really going to kill anyone, Sojiro.  This is just playful banter. Read the mood,” Futaba said dismissively. 

“Kid, you ever think maybe _you_ are the one who isn’t reading the mood right?” he asked his daughter, looking at Makoto.  The chair she was sitting on was slightly scorched.

“ _Well, Shmakoto!  I am glad!  You!  Are here!  Together, we will!  Defeat crime with!  The power of sexual liber! Ation!  But first, orgy!”_ Shakira declared. “ _These are our!  Comrades! Shryuji!”_

_“I HAVE SUCKED MORE PENISES THAN ANY OTHER PERSON ALIVE!”_

_“Shann!”_

_“Our meeting is glorious, like unto a nightingale’s first breath on a cool winter’s morn.”_

_“Shmorgana the magic dog!”_

_“Like all dogs, I’m deeply attracted to you and I watch you sleep!”_

_“And finally! Shyusuke, who is definitely alive!”_

_“Hi!”_ Shyusuke said, twitching as the cords attached to his limbs were yanked.  “ _Who wants to go eat some food and be nourished? I do that, as an alive person!”_

_“I think you’re all_ totally _hot, and I can’t wait Fyafor the giant orgy we have after we defeat the yakuza!  Let’s go hunt them down immediately, because the police are after us as we speak!”_ Shmakoto said.

“ _THAT MAKES TOTAL SENSE BECAUSE WE’RE FAMOUS!”_ Shryuji said. 

“ ** _Why, though?!_** ” Morgana yowled.  “They haven’t done anything at all!  Their whole career has been like four hours!  Even if they somehow have been changing people’s hearts with this… _thing…_ they do, it’s totally impossible anyone would know about it yet! And you know, I’m not totally sure they have! They _said_ they went into a mental plane on the first case, but everything looked the same!  For the second one, they didn’t even pretend, they just got all over that old man! Further, I’m pretty sure it was all consensual _both times_ , so why would the police care?!  What is _even going on?!_ ” 

“Buddy,” Akira said, patting the cat on the head sadly. “You’re looking for logic in the maw of madness.”

Morgana started to sob. 

“ _You there!  Yakuza man!”_ Shakira declared.  “ _We see your evil ways, and will change them! With boning!”_

 _“Oh my GOD my muscles are so RIPPED I am the world’s greatest MAN!_ ” Shmakoto screamed.  In the audience, Makoto twitched, but did not otherwise respond. It was very likely that if she’d spoken, it would have been to shriek bloody vengeance, so she was focusing on controlling her emotions at the primal level.  Or, she was just too furious to create thoughts. Either or.  

 _“Bwahahahaha!_ ” said the yakuza man, as the camera shifted to focus on him.

Ann made kind of a gagging noise as she tried not to throw up.  The others felt some sympathy for her.   

Junya Kaneshiro, the third target of the Phantom Thieves, had not been a handsome man. He had been, to put it politely, large. Porcine, one might say.  But he had, and this was important: Human proportions. 

His stand-in for the film, whatever his name might have been (Oh, screw it, it was going to be Shjunya Shkaneshiro, the writers weren’t exactly geniuses) was basically just kind of a mass of flesh wide enough that he would have completely buried the couch in Sojiro’s living room, currently holding four people.  If that was real (and God, Akira hoped it was not real, but who goddamn knew with this carnival of terror), this man must have weighed two-thousand kilos, easily.  He was currently propped in a pool full of yen coins and… what looked like some kind of lube. It made squishing sounds whenever he moved, though ‘moving’ probably wasn’t the right word. Every time he ‘oozed’ might have been more accurate. Everyone in that room knew they would hear those sounds in their nightmares for months, except for Sae, who hiccuped and rolled over. 

“ _So. The world-famous sexual thieves have come to my evil lair!”_ Shkaneshiro oozed. “ _But do you think you can change **my** heart with mindblowing sex, as you have done in all your other famous cases?!”_

 _“_ I should complain about what he’s saying, but… but I just can’t feel the anger right now. It’s been driven out by disgust,” Morgana said. 

“No. No. Please, no,” Ann said.  There was no emotion left in her voice or, to be honest, her soul. She was basically dead inside at this point.

“Begging doesn’t help, Ann.  Begging… begging just doesn’t help,” Akira said, patting her on the shoulder.

“Ooooooh, I know this guy!  He was in _Fat Fuck Fun Fiesta 5_!  Really niche fetish porn, for people who like ‘em ridiculously, _morbidly_ obese.  Three people were crushed making it!” Futaba declared cheerfully.

“The world of pornography involves a lot more death than I’d realized,” Haru said. “I know it’s always better to seek the truth and living in blissful ignorance is wrong, but…”

“I think we can make an exception just this once, kiddo,” Sojiro said. 

“ _Shjunya Shkaneshiro!_ _”_ Shakira declared.  “ _You may!  Be Yakuza!  But we are!  … Line!_ _”_  

“Nobody told them his name,” Makoto said. “Picking up little details like that is keeping me momentarily sane. It won’t last.”

“ _Bwahahahaa!_ _”_ Shkaneshiro splorched.  “ _Though you are a deadly group of sexual masters and all of you are alive…”_

“ _That’s true, we all are!_ ” Shyusuke agreed as a fly crawled into his ear. 

“ _… you cannot give_ me _a mind-changing orgasm!  Behold, my enormous body makes reaching my erogenous zones impossible!  Further, I have acquired this power through a steady diet of sexually-liberated teenagers that I lure in with my YAKUZA MAGIC, so I know all of your seductive tricks!_ _”_

“He eats people?!” Ryuji snapped. 

“Are you surprised?” Ann asked, her tone still disturbingly empty. “Frankly, I wouldn’t be shocked if it turns out the only thing that can give him an erection is being rubbed down with the bones of his victims.” 

“And I don’t think Yakuza Magic is real,” Haru said. 

“I’m really distressed that this is what you’re getting from that exchange, Haru. Just saying,” Akira said. 

“And his taste in art is an _atrocity._ Look at that mural on the wall above his lube tank! Was it painted by a _chimp_?!” Yusuke asked, outrage flooding his tone.

“On the other hand, you aren’t the worst person in the room,” Akira admitted.  “Yusuke, I don’t even think that’s a mural. I think it’s just a sloppy paint job on the wall of what I can only assume is a prison laundry room.”

“Ah, yes, of course. Such a vulgar display isn’t even worthy of being called art, you’re absolutely right,” Yusuke sniffed.  “Still, terminology aside, this is the _worst_ documentary I have ever seen.”   

“Yusuke, for fuck’s sake man, learn to read the damn mood.”

“ _That’s right, you fools!”_ Shkaneshiro interjected slimily.  “ _As we all know, sexually liberated young people are the greatest threat to the social order!  That is why, as the most powerful and corpulent of adults, I have chosen to feast on your flesh and bone to grow stronger!  Now, none may orgasm me, for my penis is hidden beneath folds of protective blubber and submerged in my delightful slime pool!  I am a perfect example of a modern adult, feeding upon the young!  LITERALLY! BWAHAHAHAHAA!_ _”_

“You know, I didn’t think it was possible for this to get worse, but then it tries to have a message,” Sojiro said in horrified fascination.  “I actually think I hate youth, now.”

Futaba sniffed. “I think it’s very responsible of them.”

“I’m seriously considering banning you from having opinions, young lady.”

 _“GASP!  I DON’T THINK I CAN SUCK HIS DICK IF WE CAN’T FIND HIS DICK, YOU GUYS!”_ Shryuji declared. 

“ _And magic dogs are afraid of slime!”_ Shmorgana said. From somewhere. She wasn’t actually on-screen, presumably having gone off to sniff something again. 

 _“I like art!”_ Shyusuke declared, in a very alive manner.

“ _Alas and anon, for his armor of flesh doth protect him e’en more than the horde of dragons that devoured all life in the great kingdom of the mainland!”_ Shann declared.

“Everyone in China is dead too?!” Haru shrieked.  “What sick world is this taking place in?!”

“A luckier one than the one we live in?” Ann suggested. 

“Guys, I think Ann might actually need a break. She’s not looking so good,” Akira said.

Morgana patted her hand fondly with his paw.  “Don’t worry, Lady Ann.  You can take a break next time someone smashes the TV in a blind rage.”

“I feel like we’re all falling into a very harmful rhythm here.  This movie is not good for our minds,” Makoto said sadly. 

“ _Don’t worry, you guys! As the most buff and manly man that Shshujin Academy has ever produced, I can defeat this fat man!”_ Shmakoto declared.

 Her teeth clenched so hard one cracked.  “Very. Very.  Not. Good!”

“ _Prepare yourself, fattest man alive!  You are about to face Makoto Nijima, the manliest man that has ever been a man!”_ Shmakoto said. 

 _“_ They didn’t even change my name that time!” Makoto snarled.

“Gee, no idea how _that_ might feel,” Ryuji muttered. 

On the screen, Shmakoto bulged his manly muscles, instantly shredding his clothes to reveal muscles that would have shamed a gorilla, lubed to glistening bronzed perfection.  And…

Well, there was other, similarly impressive equipment elsewhere, if you get the meaning.

“Oh my,” Haru said.

“Oh _wow_ ,” Futaba said.

“Oh God no,” Makoto said.

Ann’s eyes widened.  “Okay, I’m suddenly more interested in this than I was.”

“ _TAKAMAKI!”_ Makoto squeaked. 

“What?!  It’s… you know. Eye-catching,” Ann said. 

“Oh my,” Haru said again. 

“Come on, Queen, you have to admit that’s… _impressive_.  And he’s an amateur!  I’m amazed I don’t know about talent like that!” Futaba said cheerfully.

“‘He’ is supposed to be _me,_ Futaba! So no, thank you, but I’m not admitting anything!” 

“Well, if that’s you, then congratulations on your gigantic… stage presence,” Ann said. 

“Oh _my_ ,” Haru said, a third time. 

“He’s not _that_ impressive…” Ryuji muttered. 

“Seems average at best,” Akira said, staring at the floor. 

Yusuke pulled out a sketchbook. “Please pause the movie. I must capture this perfect male specimen for future works.”

“Yusuke, for fuck’s sake, read the mood,” Ryuji said, crossing his legs for probably no reason. 

“Hsssssssssssssssssss,” Akira said. 

“ _Now! Face my explosion of manliness!”_ Shmakoto declared.

“Yes please!” Futaba said.

“I’m going to bury her in a ditch outside town,” Makoto muttered. 

Shmakoto leaped into the pool of… goo?  Instantly plastering his glistening muscles with a thick layer of whatever the Hell it was supposed to be. Yakuza juice.  Ann made a little squeaking sound like she was on the verge of fainting. 

“Oh _my_ ,” Haru said, as he started to flex again. 

“ _Stop being turned on by me!”_ Makoto shrieked. 

“Be proud of your perfect masculine beauty, Makoto-san. You are a work of art,” Yusuke declared. 

“ ** _I’ll bury you in the ditch with Futaba!_** ”

“ _AND NOW!  THE POWER!  OF MAAAAAANLINESS!”_ Shmakoto declared, digging his hands into the extremely large criminals glistening fat folds. It was… off-putting.  Like watching a Greek god wrestling a giant meatball.  But then, it quickly got much, much worse, as Shmakoto got his hands _under,_ and kind of _tugged backwards_ and _flexed…_

“Oh my,” Haru said once again, but she didn’t sound breathless this time.  More like she was trying really hard to keep her lunch down, and she hadn’t even eaten lunch. 

“Gah. Gah.”  Ann said. 

“Suddenly less artistic,” Yusuke sniffed. 

“Well… it’s a really impressive physical feat, you gotta admit,” Futaba said, though even she didn’t sound terribly convinced. 

As they watched, Shmakoto had hefted the colossal mobster out of his ooze pit, lifting the ridiculously obsess man completely over his head.  It was a fairly impressive maneuver, certainly, but the joy of the moment was somehow diminished by the fact that it left giant, flopping folds of flesh that were cascading waves of slime flopping down madly, as though the man was melting in Shmakoto’s grip. 

“ _Now hurry!  His penis, the core of manly pleasure, is exposed!”_ Shmakoto declared dramatically, depositing Shkaneshiro outside of the lubricant pool with a giant impact that made the set shake and produced a small tidal wave of lube with a hideous slorping sound.  He kind of flopped on the concrete a few times.   

“ _Sexual thieves!  It is time!  For the sexing!”_ Shakira declared, ripping off his tearaway pants. 

“Oh, no.”

What followed was… traumatic, to say the least. There were… kind of _sounds._ A lot of sounds.  Like someone jamming a railroad spike into rotten fruit, over and over and over.  Some really troublesome moaning.  The _wrong_ kind of moaning.  Not even the actors, who were usually at least pretty good at pretending they were enjoying their weird sex, were able to convincingly sound happy.  Probably it was hurt because they were trying not to slide in the expanding ocean of lube, and perhaps the fact that someone was kind of… moving Shyusuke in and out of the shot in a vague thrusting motion while they were trying to work.

But mostly, it had to be the sounds.  God, the sounds.

As one, the audience turned their heads to one side. 

Then to the other. 

Then back again. 

“SPLORCH, BLRRRUUGGGPPLR, FLORRRRK, SRRRRRGLGR,” the screen said. 

The audience turned their heads one more time. 

“I,” Haru said, “am never going to be sexually aroused ever again.  This has killed my sex drive.”

“Whatever mild joy I might have once felt in my life has died,” Ann agreed. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever found something which destroyed my urge to create art so much as that… sound,” Yusuke said.  “I am reminded of a bowling ball being dropped into a pool of pudding.” 

“If the pudding was rotten and moldy,” Ryuji agreed.

“And so was the ball, somehow,” Akira said.    

“And now my ability to feel hunger is as dead as Haru’s sex drive. Thanks, guys,” Morgana said sadly. 

“God.  Without food and sex, what point does a coffee shop even _have_?” Sojiro asked.  “Maybe I should just retire. Or cut out my own eyes.”

“Uuuuuuugh… God, my head hurts…” Sae muttered.  “And I had the weirdest nightmare…”

“FLRRRRRUGGGL, BLOOOORCH, SQUEEEERRRRRCH, FFFFFLLLLLLRRRR,” the screen said.

She blinked. “Or maybe I’m still having it?”

Makoto sighed.  “Sorry, sis. This is… this is much more real than I care to think about.” 

“Ugh. Ugh, that damn porno. And I’m out of whiskey, aren’t I?  And I have a little goblin in my skull trying to get out with a power drill,” Sae muttered.  “Why are they having sex with that giant wet bean-bag?”

“That’s… that’s Kaneshiro, I guess.”

“Huh.  Well, they got how he is on the _inside,_ at least,” Sae said.  “… Why is there a hanging mannequin being swung in and out of frame?” 

“That’s, erm… well, that is to say…” Makoto began. “It is not… _precisely…_ a mannequin…”

“They kept Yusuke’s corpse on set after he died,” Ryuji said flatly. 

“A-hem!” Yusuke said indignantly. 

“Sorry, man. Shyusuke.”

“… _Why?!”_ Sae shrieked. 

“Because they really just added a ‘Sh’ to the start of all our names, so…”

“ _NOT WHAT I WAS ASKING, KID!”_

“We… we assume because they didn’t have the budget to hire a new actor to replace him…” Makoto said. 

“Makoto, that isn’t an _excuse_ for desecrating a man’s corpse!They… God, how did he even die?! Did they crush him to death in a filthy orgy?! Are we watching a snuff film?!”

“No, no! Natural causes! We’re pretty sure he was already dying when they hired him!” Akira said. “You know, of… diseases…”

“That’s still illegal, then!  The porn industry does have laws too, you know!” Sae snapped.  “God, everything about this movie is a disastrous nightmare so I shouldn’t be surprised, but… but… _uuuuuugh._ I’m going to have to turn this in to the police, and all of my former co-workers are going to mock me about it for _years._ ‘Hrrrrr, hey Nijima, I always knew you had a sexy side under that ice queen façade!’” she muttered, doing what everyone assumed was an impression of a sexist police worker.  “And then I’ll have to kill them, and then _I’ll_ be the criminal.  You kids have ruined my life.” 

“We didn’t mean to!  We just wanted to watch porn!” Futaba protested. “ _Pleeeeeease_ don’t ruin it, it’s the best movie ever!”

“Futaba, seriously, learn to read the room,” Sojiro muttered. 

“Actually, I would rather we didn’t turn this movie in to the police either,” Haru said awkwardly. “I would… um… prefer that nobody else ever, _ever_ watch it.” 

“ _Ever,_ ” Ann agreed. 

“I… I never considered that someone else might have seen this. It’s so unspeakably terrible…” Makoto muttered in something like horror. 

“That won’t have stopped the internet.  God, this might have a cult following,” Ryuji said with a shudder. 

“So, remember that time we all almost got erased from reality, like we never even existed?” Akira asked.  “Anyone else starting to regret we made it out of that?”

“ _YOU GUYS I FOUND HIS DICK I’M GOING TO SUCK ON HIS DICK!_ _”_ the movie said. 

 _“_ On a few levels,” Morgana said sadly.   

Yusuke shuddered. “God. To think I might be associated with such inferior set design in the minds of the public!  This is deeply disturbing.”   

Futaba sighed happily. “A cult classic just like _Back to the Ninja!_ Wow, you really think we’re famous like that? It would be a dream come true...”

“Fuck’s sake you two, learn to read the room!” Ryuji snapped. 

“ _Oh God!  Oh, God, my tiny shriveled yakuza penis is exposed, despite my layers of blubber!  I feel the sexual pleasure that lets young people be free from corrupt adults like myself!”_ Shkaneshiro moaned.

“On the other hand, I do have to admit that if I was off in whatever fucked up world Futaba and Yusuke live in, I’d be happier in general,” Akira admitted. 

“I’m not happy.  Look at that hideous mural!” Yusuke grumbled. 

“… Huh,” Sae said in kind of fascinated terror as she squinted at the screen. “I’ve seen that room before on visits to the prison for interrogations. They use it for storing dirty prison uniforms while they’re waiting to be washed.”

“Called it!” Akira cheered.

“Oh, wow. That… that answers so many questions,” Haru said. 

“ _Verily, though ‘tis difficult to make passionate love to a man this corpulent, I am granted power by the blood of the dragon I slew in my youth, giving me immortality!”_ Shann declared.

“Though admittedly not the questions I’ve been asking.”

“Nobody else has any questions at all, Haru. The questions died in our hearts and now they’re turning into a thick, black, poison that makes us hate all living things,” Ann said. 

“Mine’s the thickest and blackest of all,” Akira grumbled.

“Can we _please_ stop talking about ‘thick, black’ things? I’ve got enough of that shit coming from Shryuji,” Ryuji said. “… And you know what, I _do_ hate what a one-note character he is.  I used to just be angry that they made me into some kind of fucking penis addict, but now? _Now_ I’m getting new _layers_ of anger. I got so angry about that one thing that it couldn’t contain all my anger anymore, and things that didn’t used to bother me are making me angry now!”

“I know, right? I hope my character is way more interesting,” Haru said. “I’d hate it if she was constantly going on and on about the same thing like Shryuji.” 

“You realize you’re gonna hate her no matter what, right?”

“Well, yes, but I’m trying to pretend I don’t know that,” Haru said. “Positivity is important to life.” 

“You kids should try to be more like her,” Sojiro said. 

“ _Orgaaaaaaaaaasm!  My slimy skin folds are being rocked by an orgaaaaaaasm!_ _”_ Shkaneshiro said, as the sounds of several young people sliding all over his oozing flesh (and the random thumping of Shyusuke being smacked into the wall) continued to burrow deep into the minds of everyone who had ever seen it.  “ _My miiiiiiiiiind is being chaaaaaanged by orgaaaaaaaasms!_ _”_

“Akira?  Ryuji? I just want you to know?” Morgana said. “If the only way to give you the power to change hearts had been to have sex with you, and then do things like this?  I would have told you to let me die in Kamoshida’s palace. I would have let us _all_ die.” 

Akira wiped away a tear of joy. “Th… thank you, buddy. You’re a true friend.”

“That is the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me,” Ryuji said, his voice choked with emotion. “After all the fights we’ve had, you’re still a real friend like that…!”

Haru winced. “Futaba, I already know what you’re going to say to this, but the boys are starting to become suicidal. Could we please watch something else?”

“There _is nothing else._ ” Futaba hissed. 

Haru sighed. “You know, I’m starting to hate Futaba too.”

“Only just starting to?” Ann asked.  “You’re a saint.” 

“ _Wow, sexual thieves! I’m so happy we had all that sex to save the world from the Yakuza!”_ Shakira declared.  “ _It was hard, but! We’re the best sexers there ever!  Line!_ _”_

 _“I’m so glad to be a living human!”_ Shyusuke said. 

“ _MAN IT’S GREAT TO BE ABLE TO USE MY DICK-SUCKING POWERS FOR GOOD!_ _”_

 _“Verily, Shmakoto, thou art a mortal as strong and proud as my god, Thor!”_ Shann declared.  “ _Though I am a gentle virgin flower…”_

“You still have cum on your face, you ridiculous idiot!” Ann hissed. 

“… _verily, I would welcome indeed thine manhood plunging into me, as was custom in the village I grew up in amongst the palm trees and gentle ocean breezes!”_

“Where is she _from?!”_ Haru asked, her fury at Shann’s ever-expanding past growing steadily.  “So far she seems to be from an American-Chinese tropical village that worships Thor and was destroyed by fictional monsters!  I swear, I could forgive this movie except for _her._ ”

“See if you’re still saying that when ‘Sharu’ turns up,” Makoto muttered.

Shmakoto smiled. “ _Sorry, gorgeous. But as the manliest man, I can only have sex with someone I truly love, or with disgusting criminals to brainwash them. That’s just my manly code._ _”_

Makoto blinked. “That… that’s not… I mean, that’s not _terrible_.  Maybe… I mean, I still hate that they made me a man, but at least I have some kind of moral code…” 

“ _Shmakoto! There you are, my beloved sibling!_ _”_ said a new voice, and the room went cold. Cold and dark. 

“So, if anyone says anything,” Sae said softly, “they will die. Just clearing that up.” 

What walked onto the set was, most distinctly, not a public prosecutor.  Prosecutors did not wear skirts cut just slightly too short to hide their panties, or a shirt unbuttoned down to the navel.  They did not carry a riding crop, because they didn’t need one.  They could wear glasses, but generally they would have lenses in them, and not just be there as a fetish point.  No, no it was not a public prosecutor. A sexy librarian, maybe, but not a prosecutor. Lawyers can’t be sexy, no matter what TV might tell you. 

“ _Greetings, totally normal people. I am the finest sexual prosecutor in the world, Shsae Shnijima.  I have come to tell you all that the Sexual Thieves have been declared the most wanted criminals in the country!_ _”_

“Why, though?!” Morgana shrieked. 

“ _Oh, darling Shsae,_ _”_ Shmakoto purred. 

“… Nooooooo…” Makoto said, something unpleasant flashing in her eye.

“… _the only one who is ‘wanted’ by me…”_

 _“_ … **Noooooooooooooooooo…** ” Sae said, gripping the edge of her seat.  It shattered into splinters in her grip. 

“… _is you!”_ he declared, leaping upon his sister, who giggled gleefully as her ‘important announcement’ was discarded. Along with her panties. 

“ _Huzzah for sexual freedo-”_ Shakira began to declare, but he didn’t quite get it out before Sae and Makoto, in a beautiful display of sibling loyalty, shattered the television with a simultaneous double punch. 

“Squeeeeeeeeee, combination attack!  Just like Sasaki and Chihaya in _Princess Warriors: Return to Neo-Shogun Mountain,_ and…” Futaba squealed, before noticing her father’s look of intense despair at the shattered, sparking glass of the television that the two girls had utterly crushed, hammering it back nearly through the wall with a single strike.  “I mean… um… noooo, not another TV. So… so sad!” 

She paused.

 _“So cool,_ ” she whispered.   


	7. Chapter 7

“Futaba.  I’m coming right out and saying you can’t watch the rest of this film,” Sojiro said, staring sadly at what remained of his television. And the hole in the wall behind it.  The Nijima sisters worked out pretty regularly, and anger could do amazing things for your punching power. 

“Every obstacle I face only increases my dedication!” Futaba declared, setting up an older laptop that she didn’t regularly use anymore but didn’t throw away because she was a slob.  “You all think you can break me, but my will is _iron._ ” 

“We’re not trying to break you.  We _are_ going to kill you,” Ann said. 

“We’re all in on it at this point,” Akira agreed. 

“They will never find where you’re buried,” Ryuji growled. 

“I have it on good authority nobody will ever even look,” Sae said. She and Makoto fist-bumped in a show of sisterly hatred.   

“Everyone!” Haru said, clapping her hands together. “I know you’re all having a tough time.  But murdering Futaba is not going to help!  We’re over halfway through, we just… need to buckle down, stay strong, and get through this.  I know that, working together, we can survive much worse than this.”

She paused.

“And I’m waiting on an e-mail from my banker regarding a loan to open my café after high school, and I just can’t risk this horrible girl doing something to our tax records that might endanger that. I please need you to not kill her for a few months.” 

Makoto sighed. “Okay. For you.” 

“Maybe Shmakoto will have a lot more screentime?” Ann asked hopefully.  “I mean, I know he’s into banging his sister, but as long as he’s oiled up and naked I don’t mind too m-“

“Takamaki, would you like to be buried in that ditch with Futaba and Yusuke?” Makoto snarled.

Haru coughed lightly. “I… well, I mean, that wouldn’t be _too_ terrible…”

“Dammit, you’re a bunch of traitors.”

“Okay!  I haven’t used this laptop in seven years so it took me awhile to hack my own password, but we’re ready to go!” Futaba cheered. “As I recall, Shmakoto was-”

“Skip the rest of that scene,” Sae said.  Frost formed on the windows from the chill in her words. “Artist boy. I know you don’t want to skip scenes so all of you get to hurt equally. I’m telling you right now: I’m not part of your creepy little clubhouse, and I have a migraine, and I think I’m going to puke soon. I’m not. In. The. Mood.  _Do not test me._ ”

Yusuke pondered this. “I feel a deep existential terror. Is this what is known as ‘reading the mood?’”

“That,” Ryuji said, “is the first real human reaction you’ve had this whole damn movie.  Go with it.”

“Very well.  We may skip scenes featuring Sae’s character, because I am very afraid of her,” Yusuke confirmed.

Futaba shuddered. “I… will allow it.”

Akira turned to Ann, the one sitting closest to him, and whispered, “A chink in her armor. Watch for more vulnerabilities. We have to break her mind to really escape this place.”

“Could we just hit her with a wrench?” Ann murmured back, pretending to play with her hair. 

“Not as long as she holds all our internet accounts hostage. I found a really good site for vintage games.”

“Affirmative, I’ll pass it on to Makoto.”

“And here we go!” Futaba declared, finding an acceptable scene in the menu (there were seventeen straight scenes titled ‘Incest’ so it took awhile). “Is everyone ready for the return of art?”

Yusuke hissed like a cat.

“Oh, shush, it is _so_ art.  Let’s go!” Futaba squealed. 

“ _You guys! After fifteen hours of incest—”_

“That is not even physically possible,” Makoto hissed.

“— _I have found our next case!  We must have sex… with the INTERNET!_ _”_ Shmakoto said, manfully.

 _“Gasp!_ ” the other sexual thieves said, while Shmorgana licked her own butt. 

 _“But the internet is the! Domain of young people! And full of sweet!  Ness and good!_ _”_ Shakira declared. 

“ _All sorts of living teenagers go there to get their porn!_ _”_ Shyusuke confirmed.  “ _And as we all know, all porn is wonderful and you should be sure to pay for it through approved channels!_ _”_

 _“MY FAVORITE PORN HAS DICKS JUST THE RIGHT SIZE FOR MY MOUTH!_ _”_

Ryuji sobbed a little, which everyone actually took as a good thing. It showed he could still feel emotions.

“ _Though I carest little for the pleasures of the flesh, and prefer such maidenly activities as doily making and flower arranging,_ _”_ Shann said, looking across a selection of vibrators to decide which one to begin using on herself while everyone else watched, “ _Knowest well I do that porn is the most noble, gentle, and wonderful of pursuits. May Thor bless it!_ _”_

“I think I’m sensing a certain bias,” Sojiro said dryly.  “It might just be my imagination, though.” 

“ _But wait!  By reading my sister’s legal files while I plow her day in and day out, I have discovered that a terrible hacker group, probably composed of **vile adults** , is deleting all the porn on the internet!_ _”_ Shmakoto declared.  “ _They are known… as Shmedjed!_ _”_

 _“Ah, yes, a name taken from the ancient myths of Shegypt,_ _”_ Shann said knowledgeably. “ _I remember them well, learning them from my grandmother as we sacrificed goats to the Sun God together by the banks of the Shnile._ _”_

“What even _is she_?!” Haru hissed.   

“You know, this is kind of fascinating. I think Haru is starting to hate me more than I hate me,” Ann said.  “I almost have a feeling in my soul again. Almost.”

“ _Well, we must defeat!  Line!_ _”_ Shakira said.  “ _Porn!  Is the key to! All society! And everyone! Should also buy! It! And give a 15% bonus to the actors!_ _”_

 _“Don’t adlib, you hack!  You signed a contract!_ ” Schmorgana snapped. 

_“WE’RE UNDER A LOT OF STRESS, YOU KNOW!_ _”_ Shryuji said.  “ _BETWEEN THE DEAD GUY AND ALL THE CUM IN MY HAIR!_ _”_

 _“Nobody is dead!  Stop talking about dead people!_ _”_ Shyusuke said.  The corpse kinda twitched, in an alive way.  “ _We are not going to prison!_ _”_

 _“Yeah, because this movie is so cruddy nobody will ever watch it,_ _”_ Shann muttered. 

 _“How **dare** you,_ _”_ Shmorgana snarled.  

_“You told me this was an off-Broadway neo-modernist Shakespeare tribute, and you know, **I don’t think it is!**_ _”_

“What was your first clue?  The fact you haven’t put clothes on in two hours? That you’re coated in lube and semen? _All the sex you’ve been having with these porn stars?!_ ” Ann shrieked.  Something shattered in the next room.  Morgana yowled in pain and hid under the sofa. 

“Well, on the plus side, Takamaki has some passion back. All we need is for this movie to just… just keep getting worse, so it burns her soul through the numbness,” Haru said brightly.

“So… she’ll be fine, then,” Makoto said. 

“ _GREETINGS, HUMANS,_ _”_ said a text-to-speech program from off-camera. “ _I AM THE SEXUAL HACKER SHALI SHBABA.  I WISH TO HELP YOU SEX THE INTERNET._ _”_

 _“Gasp!_ _”_ Shakira said.  _“Computers speak to us!_ _”_

 _“I seriously want to renegotiate my contract. Can we stop filming?_ _”_ Shann asked.

 _“Just! Follow! The script!_ _”_ Shmorgana screamed, his voice cracking slightly with the sheer rage of the notion of letting someone negotiate more money out of him. 

“You know, it just now occurred to me that Shmorgana is a female dog, but her voice actor is a man,” Makoto said. 

“Still noticing minor details to keep yourself sane?” Ryuji asked.

“You know it.”

“ _TO SEX THE INTERNET, YOU NEED TO BE A HACKER. BUT TO HAVE MY HACKING, YOU MUST FIRST SEX ME. ONLY YOUR WORLD-FAMOUS SEX MAGIC CAN HELP ME OVERCOME MY CRIPPLING SOCIAL PROBLEMS,_ _”_ said Shali Shbaba. 

 _“Tell us, strange hacker! What is! Your mental issue!_ _”_

 _“I’M KINDA SHY. I USUALLY STAY INSIDE AND DON’T HAVE ANY RANDOM SEX AT ALL._ _”_

 _“Gasp!_ _”_ everyone said.  

“I’m not sure that counts as an issue,” Akira said.  “I don’t have any random sex at all, and I think I was fairly well-off emotionally, until I started watching this shit movie.”   

“Shhhhhh. Everybody needs to shut up, we’re almost to _me_ ,” Futaba squealed.

“…. She… has seen the entire movie so far…” Haru said, slowly.  “And she _still_ thinks her character is going to be good…?”

“Are you surprised?” Makoto asked. “I think it should be fairly obvious she is not watching the same movie we are. She spends all day eating cream puffs and staring at illegal websites, I think we can safely assume she has some kind of brain disorder.”

“Really?” Ann asked hopefully. “You think it’s terminal?”

“Maybe not to her, but I think it might kill _us_.”

“ _Manly men have much random sex, but the **manliest** men prefer incest!_ _”_ Shmakoto said cheerfully. 

“And it might kill him. Slowly,” Makoto growled, low in her throat like a rabid animal.  “With a _pitchfork._ ”

“You know, kids, it isn’t really the actors’ fault…” Sojiro said.

Makoto turned to him and stared. Just stared. 

“… On the other hand, I think it’s acceptable to kill people for doing their jobs if you’re a very, very scary girl,” Sojiro said. 

“Yeah, that’s how we all deal with her when she gets like this. Good job learning so fast! Though admittedly, you’ve had extra time to practice,” Akira congratulated him. 

“You know you’re like a son to me.  But I’m starting to resent you for bringing these people into my life,” Sojiro said. 

Akira gestured at Futaba. “The worst one already lived here.”

“Touché.”

“ _Okay, the team!  I think!  We!  Should!  Line!  God, why didn’t we get those cue cards yet?!_ _”_ Shakira said.  

“ _Why didn’t you read the script, you fucking hack?_ _”_ Shann muttered. 

 _“ **Because I’m illiterate, damn you!**_ _”_ Shakira screamed, tears welling up in his eyes.

 _“… Then why would cue cards help you?_ _”_ Shmakoto asked.

 _“ **Because I’m not very logical, damn you!**_ **_”_**

“You know, this is actually getting sorta interesting,” Sae said.  “It’s atrocious as a porn, but when it turns into a reality show starring awful actors making a shit movie, it’s kind of compelling.”    

“ _Oh, my beloved brother!_ _”_ Shsae said, walking onto the set in a leather corset and crotchless panties.  “ _I just wanted to let you know, if the Sexual Thieves don’t defeat the terrible hackers Shmedjed, we’ll have you all put to death. Not that we think you could possibly be the Sexual Thieves, who are clearly masters of disguise and illusion, it’s just that our government loves to kill teenagers because all adults prey upon the young._ _”_

“And then even the most backhanded of compliments turns to ash in my mouth,” Sae said, her tone cooling instantly down to sub-zero levels.

“ _Okay, everyone!  Let us go! Discover who this hacker might be!_ _”_ Shakira declared, apparently having gotten over his meltdown pretty quickly. To be fair, the entire cast had more-or-less seemed to have gotten over Shyusuke dying before their very eyes in the space of a few hours, so they might actually just have been resilient people.

“ _Hello, everyone!_ _”_ Shsojiro said, wandering onto the set for the first time since his initial appearance. “ _Did you know my daughter Shfutaba is a hacker?_ _”_ he asked, and then left.

Sojiro smiled smugly. “Well. I can say I like _my_ character so far.”

“You’re kind of a bastard, sir,” Akira muttered.

“And proud of it, kid.”

“ _Shfutaba!  We require your hacking powers_ _to defeat evil hackers!  Also, I have an erection with your name on it!_ _”_ Shakira said, pounding on the first door the team found. 

“ _Verily, young Shfutaba, thine dedication to justice doth pleasure mine loins deeply!  Though never have I been with a woman, ‘twould please me to give mine virginity to a wondrous lady of virtue such as thineself,_ _”_ Shann declared. 

Ann sharpened a knife. It wasn’t clear where she’d found it.

“ _I ENJOY DICKS, DO YOU HAVE A DICK? I’M A SIMPLE MAN WITH SIMPLE NEEDS!_ _”_ Shryuji declared.

“ _She is a woman, my friend, and women do not have manly penises! But I, Makoto, have the largest one in the city!_ _”_ Shmakoto declared.

Makoto started helping Ann sharpen her knife.

Shyusuke made a kind of popping noise as corpse gas escaped his decomposing innards.  Shmorgana was nowhere to be seen, but that was just the risk you took filming during squirrel season.

“ _Oh gee golly willikers!_ _”_ said a voice from the other side of the door.  “ _You all sound super gee gosh golly heroic!  Though I’m SUPER DUPER SHY, let me come right on out an’ talk to you all because a’ how much inspiration you inspire in widdle ol’ me!_ _”_

“Hee. Hee. Hee,” Akira said, a gleam in his eyes as he looked at Futaba silently staring at the screen with an unreadable expression, as Shfutaba made herself known.

She was a hacker. You knew this because she was wearing a hat that said ‘hacker’ on it. Beyond that, she was… well… you could definitely tell she was Futaba because she had brilliantly neon-red hair that was almost painful to look at. And although she was about six feet tall and had a chest that looked like a pair of canned hams were strapped to her, she was definitely the youngest of the group because she was wearing…

“Is that an _elementary school uniform?”_ Makoto asked, just barely polite enough to keep _some_ of the intense glee out of her voice as they took in Shfutaba’s ‘shirt’, which was stretched so tight across her breasts that it looked about ready to explode and which stopped just shy of her abs, and a skirt that was really more of a belt given that it didn’t actually cover the panties she wasn’t wearing.    

“Oh God it _is,”_ Ann said with outright, maniacal joy, because she _wasn’t_ polite enough.  “Hee. Hee. Hee. Well, I _guess_ they heard Futaba was the baby of the group.  Hehehehehehehe… BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“Takamaki, I know it’s pleasant to see her get a little karma, but you may be taking it a little far,” Haru said nervously. 

“Just… just let her vent, Haru. She’s earned this,” Ryuji said. 

“UWEEEEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEEEHEEEHEEHEEHEEE!”

“I know it sounds horrifying, but it’s the laugh of a woman who has achieved nirvana,” Akira agreed sagely. 

“…ct…” Futaba whispered. 

“What was that, Futaba?” Makoto asked, a bit more vindictive glee leaking into her voice. “You seem _distressed._ Perhaps, maybe, we should stop watching? Or, do we just _have_ to keep going? Because it’s soooooo important?”

 _“Perfect!_ _”_ Futaba squealed, after a few more seconds of staring.

“… What.”

“Do you know who that is?!” Futaba asked, her eyes wide and her face bright red with what the group really hoped was just normal excitement.  “They got _Titsu Otouro to play me!”_

“I feel like something’s gone terribly wrong,” Ryuji said. 

“It’s Futaba. That was a given,” Morgana said.

“ _Titsu Otouro!_ She’s… she’s a _legend_ in porn parodies,” Futaba breathed, practically glowing with joy.  “She was Shkaori Shmiyazono in _You Lie With April,_ she was Shmordred in _Fuck/Asspocrypha,_ she was Princess Shcelica in _Fire Cumblem Hoes: Shadows of Vagina…_ she’s my _idol!_ ”

 _“AHEM,_ ” Sojiro said.

 _“_ … I mean, if I wanted to be a porn star, she would be my idol,” Futaba corrected herself. “Still. I mean. This is an _honor_.  I couldn’t have picked a better choice to portray me!”

Ann slid out of her chair, slowly sort of melting to the floor, tears welling up in her eyes. “So,” she said, softly. “There’s no God, then?”  

“I guess we shouldn’t be surprised,” Makoto said sadly. “This movie exists.  A kind and loving creator would never have let that happen.”

“Well, I mean.  I know young people have a hard time understanding this sometimes, but there’s a certain argument to be made for the fact that evil exists for men to overcome it and improve themselves,” Sojiro offered. 

Makoto blinked. “So we should kill the people who made this, thus overcoming their evil?”

“I wasn’t… going for that, but…”

“I’m down for that. I already put out a few feelers with old friends in law enforcement to hunt them down. Their company went under a few weeks ago, for obvious reasons, but I bet we can track them,” Sae said, putting away her phone. “I don’t want anyone watching their movies, so I just said they sell babies to cannibals. It’s roughly on the same level of evil.”

“Okay, seriously, I get that you’re upset, but this movie genuinely isn’t worth murder!” Sojiro protested.

“That’s right!” Akira added.

“Oh, thank you, kid.”

“Because it’s not murder if it’s _just_.  Find them, Sae. Find them so we can _rip out their souls.”_

“For God’s sake! You kids are supposed to _stop_ crimes!” Sojiro snapped.

“The crime has already been committed,” Ryuji hissed. “We couldn’t stop it. We can only _avenge_ it.”

“I have had _just about enough of you!_ ” Futaba shrieked, climbing up on the coffee table. “Listen to you!  Listen to _all_ of you! Acting like this is the worst thing that anyone has ever made, when it’s proof! Immutable proof of how _great_ we are!  How many people we _inspired!_ You think they make porn of just anyone?! You don’t get a dirty movie made about you unless you’re something that _everyone knows!_ Unless you’ve achieved something that will be _remembered!_  This film is irrefutable proof that we are _special!_ That we had an _impact!  THIS! IS! A! COMPLIMENT!_ _”_

“ _And with that, I’m super-duper golly gee willickers happy that I was able to stop Shmedjed for you! Bye!_ _”_ Shfutaba said on the screen, closing her door as the Sexual Thieves walked away from her. 

“ _Man, it sure was! Great that we met Shfutaba!_ _”_ Shakira declared. “ _Too bad that her! Actress was too expensive to make more than a cameo!_ _”_

“ _IT’S OKAY, SHE DIDN’T HAVE A PENIS SO MY INTEREST IN HER WAS TANGENTIAL AT BEST!_ _”_ Shryuji declared.

“ _A shame, but alas and anon, she shall never be seen again, just as those who wandered into the bayous of my home vanished from time and memory!_ _”_ Shann declared. 

The room fell silent.  The movie itself even seemed to stop, although nobody had pressed the pause button.  Futaba, still standing on the table stood frozen in her expression of indignant porn rage, but she wasn’t speaking anymore. She wasn’t moving. She didn’t appear to breathe. If you had replaced her with a statue, it wouldn’t have been immediately obvious. 

“They… they cut me out of the movie…?” she whispered, one eye twitching. 

“Hehehehe… hehehehehehehehe…” Ann giggled, something cold and malevolent under it.  “You sure don’t get put in a movie like this unless you’re _important_.”

Ryuji smirked. “If you’re _special._ If you had an _impact._ ”

“You would have to be someone who will be _remembered,_ ” Akira agreed with a dark light in his eyes. 

“If you have created something that everyone knows,” Yusuke said, truly impressing everyone who hadn’t thought he was capable of being vindictive.   

Makoto’s smirk wouldn’t have looked out of place on a serial killer about to carve up a victim.  “It’s. A. Compliment. _Really_.”

Futaba stood in silence, staring into space for several long seconds.    

“ _Now, let us go drink some water while eating plain oatmeal!”_ Shmorgana said, running back into the scene with a dead squirrel in her mouth. “ _Because Shfutaba is gone! Forever! And by her contract, we can’t have a sex scene within ten minutes of her cameo, so—”_

The dog probably had something else to say, admittedly, but it was lost at that moment because Futaba, in a display that was _truly_ amazing for anyone who was aware she had the muscles of a limp noodle, seized up the laptop and, with a toss that would have done pride to an Olympic discus thrower, chucked it out the window to impact against a passing bus. 


	8. Chapter 8

“So why are we doing this?” Makoto asked as Futaba set up her new, much _better_ laptop, opening up something that looked like recording software, but nothing that any of them had ever heard of. It may or may not have been pirated. It probably was pirated. It definitely was.    

“We need to watch the whole thing, and scan it for any details that might let us hunt down the creators,” Futaba said flatly.  “I checked on the creator credits, but the studio has disbanded and the financiers were a shell company. They’re probably pulling this same disgusting scam under some new name as a new company right now, and we need to _annihilate them._   I’ll be giving the whole thing a frame-by-frame later later, but first we’re going to finish normally. Cursory visual exam. Anything could be useful.”

“… Can we do it tomorrow? I think I have a fever from this movie,” Ann begged.

“ _No._ We need to _find_ these people and _destroy them,_ and any delay might give them time to escape. We’re already behind,” Futaba hissed.  “They think they can cut me out of the story? Do they even realize how _dead_ you people would have been without me?  I was your hacker, and trust me: you guys _needed_ a hacker.  What, you think Inari could have hacked the public broadcast system to send Shido an electronic calling card across all of Japan simultaneously? He _sucks_.” 

“Why did you choose me as a specific example?” Yusuke asked.

“Hush, the adults are talking,” she said. 

“You’re the youngest person in the room,” Haru said.

“Only in age!” Futaba snapped. “In life experience I am like, seventy years old and you’re all toddlers. My history was _crucial_ to our adventures, I saved _all_ our lives from fake Medjed _and_ Akechi _and_ Shido withy my computer skills! And I mean, I’m also clearly the sexiest of the girls.”

Ann snorted. “Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.”

Futaba gestured grandly to some army that only she could see. “My porn character should have been the _star_ of this stupid movie, and they cut her out! Well, I refuse to let this stand. I will _hunt them down,_ and they will _burn_ for failing to properly capture our story in porn. Who is with me?!”

Makoto blinked. “I’m torn. On the one hand, burning these people is definitely sounding like a plan. On the other, I almost literally would rather die than watch one more second of this movie.”   

Sae patted her on the shoulder. “Justice is hard, little sister. Sometimes, to destroy evil, we must make sacrifices.”

“I just… don’t know. Can anything be worth this?” Ryuji asked. “Joker…?”

Akira sighed, rubbing at his temples. “We aren’t the Phantom Thieves anymore, and I’m not your leader. This isn’t a decision I can make for any of us.”

“Akira. We’ll always look to you as the one who inspired us,” Haru said passionately.  “You are the heart of this team, no matter what we might call ourselves.”

“Without you, we’d never have made it as far as we did. You’re the one who helped us grow as people to the point we _could_ win the battles we faced,” Ann agreed. 

“Though much was lost and much hardship was faced, we made it through only due to your guidance, my friend,” Yusuke declared. 

“Of all of us who gathered, you were the one who best defined the epitome of a Phantom Thief,” Morgana said.  “If we’re going to walk into deadly terror like this, we can only do it at your command, Joker.”

Akira narrowed his eyes. “We go to _war._ ”

“… It’s a damn porn, you frickin’ weirdos,” Sojiro muttered.  “And you’ve cost me three TVs and a laptop. And a window.”

“Okay, Sojiro, first of all, that laptop was mine,” Futaba said.

“Was it? Because I’m pretty sure _I_ paid for it.” 

“Yeah, but your money is my money. That’s called being family,” Futaba said. “And besides, this isn’t about money.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s about money.”

“It’s about _justice,_ ” Futaba hissed. “We need to _destroy_ these people for their horrible crimes, Sojiro!”

“We don’t all agree on what those crimes are, but we do agree on the destruction part,” Akira said. “And we aren’t going to literally kill them.”

“Aren’t we?” Ann asked.

“I am,” Sae said. “I have connections. I can flout the law.”

“Okay, so maybe we are going to literally kill them. The important thing is, we need justice, and your daughter has finally joined our crusade. We can’t worry about money or the destruction of televisions anymore. We just need to fight on until we get the chance to strike back. Right, everyone?”

“Every time Shryuji talks, I want to burn down the world,” Ryuji said. “I know I can’t be the only one.”

“They are. An _affront_. To all art,” Yusuke said with a shudder.

“Shann may literally be Satan,” Ann said in a dull, dead sort of tone. 

“ _They made me a dog,_ ” Morgana hissed. 

“At least you’re not a dog that fucks your sister,” Makoto said.  “… Yet.”  

“Oh, wah, wah, waaaaaaaaaah,” Futaba snarled. “You all get to be great characters in the great movie, with your great stories. I was _cut out_ , you jerks!”

“And I want to keep watching to see what mine is,” Haru said cheerfully. 

“… … … Wait, what?”

“Well, I mean, everyone else got to see. I bet it’s really bad!” Haru said.  “I know it can’t be as bad as Shann, she’s the _worst…_ ”

“HA! I win,” Ann cheered.  “… or lose, honestly.”

“… But I bet I’ll be pretty terrible. _Everyone_ has been so terrible, you know? I’m kind of morbidly curious,” Haru admitted.  “I’ll feel bad if I don’t get to destroy a TV in a fit of rage. Everyone else did, and I kind of don’t want to be left out, I suppose.”

“You know, you’re kind of a crazy chick sometimes,” Ryuji said, sounding for all the world as if he wasn’t sure if he was scared or impressed.

“Please. Please, no… no more TVs destroyed. Please,” Sojiro said.  “I get that you’re all angry…”

“Ya don’t say,” Ann said, sharpening her knife. It still wasn’t clear where she’d gotten that knife, much less the whetstone she was slowly, _slowly_ scraping it against.  Something evil danced behind her eyes, glittering like rubies of crystalized blood. 

(It also wasn’t clear when Ann’s eyes had become red, but nobody was mentioning it. Honestly, everyone was just sort of hoping it would go away if they didn’t bring it up.)

“… I get that you’re _very_ angry. But please stop smashing my stuff. That’s all I ask.  I know can’t really stop you from committing terrible crimes, because… well, because honestly I’m very scared of most of you. Especially the girls.” 

“You’re a wise man, sir,” Akira said.

“They’re _terrifying_ ,” Ryuji confirmed.

“You guys. You should be more gentlemanly,” Makoto said, borrowing Ann’s whetstone to begin sharpening her katana. “We’re not _scary_.  We’re just _passionate.”_

“Where did you get that sword?” Yusuke asked.

“What sword?” Makoto asked, running an oilcloth over the blade to buff it to a mirror sheen for when she used it to hack through spines.

“… Ah. Yes. I will stop asking questions.”

“Okay!” Futaba snarled. “I’ve got the software ready. We will be analyzing every _frame_ of this film digitally to determine details like what kind of cameras were used, where it was edited, using what software… from there, I can spend the next few weeks combing the net to determine if it’s been uploaded anywhere, and then start holding people hostage until I manage to track down the source.”

Sojiro coughed. “By ‘hostage’ you mean…”

“By hostage I mean _hostage,_ Sojiro. I’ll find people who might know what I want to find out, and then hijack all their social medias and emails, and use that data to ruin their life unless they do as I command,” Futaba said, rolling her eyes at how obvious this was.

“Yeah,” Akira said bitterly. “She’s _good_ at that.”   

“If I don’t get into college because of her, I will throw her into a grain thresher,” Makoto muttered.

“God, this has been the _darkest_ porn viewing I have ever even heard of,” Sojiro said with a shudder. “And there are pornos where people _die_.”

“Yes. Like this one. Remember, Yusuke died?” Sae said.

“Ahem!”

“Shyusuke, sorry.” 

“… God, I actually forgot about that. I actually kind of fell into their whole trap of ‘hey, everyone, look how alive I am,’” Sojiro said. “I swear this thing makes your brain just shut down. It’s hypnotic.” 

“It’s _dead_ ,” Futaba growled. “Peel your eyes, kids, we’re starting up the analysis.  I know it’s a great film and you’ll really want to love it, but we have a _mission._ Hold tight to your righteous anger and look for anything we can use to bring these monsters down!”   

She pressed the play button, causing the movie to say, “ _AND IN CONCLUSION, PENISES ARE BETTER THAN LOLLIPOPS IF YOU NEED TO SUCK ON SOMETHING!”_

Ryuji twitched. “Well. Staying angry will be tough, but I think I’ll manage.”

Haru raised her hand. “Um, I analyzed that the guy who plays Ryuji.  He is boring and awful.”

“EXCUSE YOU?” Ryuji snarled.

“Oh, oops. Sorry. The guy who plays ‘Shryuji.’”

 _“Thank_ you. _”_

“Um, Haru, that isn’t really the analysis we need. We’re looking for things that might let us find the people who made this…” Makoto said. 

“ _Everyone!  I have finished my three hundredth bout of manly incest for this month, and I have determined who our next target should be!”_ Shmakoto declared, removing his cock from his writing sister. 

Makoto’s eyes twitched.  “I’ve analyzed Shmakoto.  I want to grab his stupid neck in my hands and squeeze until I feel it _snap_.” 

“That’s my sister,” Sae said proudly. 

“ _That is!  Line!  Shmakoto!”_ Shakira declared.  _“Is it!  About! **Sexual cheeseburgers?!** ” _

“ _It is, clever leader of mine!  Your wit is as tight and firm as my sister’s vagina,”_ Shmakoto declared, in what he probably thought was a great compliment.  “ _The terrible Shokumura corporation, producers of Shbig Shbang Shburger, the most sexual cheeseburgers, must be our next foe!”_

“Oh sweet Christ what is a sexual cheeseburger?!” Ann asked, horror in her tone.  “No, wait. Don’t tell me. There is just no damn way it could be good, and I don’t want to know.  I only just got back some tiny spark of hope, dammit, and I don’t want it to die right away.”

“I suspect they’re a cheeseburger you fuck before you eat it,” Ryuji said.

“ _I said not to tell me!_ Oh God, all my hope is _dead!_ ” Ann sobbed. 

“It’s for the best, Ann,” Akira said, patting her on the shoulder.  “If you have hope, you’ll only suffer more later.  We should all just give up our hope and focus on hate and revenge.”    

Ann sighed. “Yeah. Yeah, I know.  The world is empty and meaningless other than the sweet pain of justice upon our enemies.  I’ll remember better when Shann starts talking again. She’s my Spirit Guide of Hate.”

“Mine too! Hate buddies!” Haru squealed. The two shared a hate-buddy fist-bump. 

“This is just the worst porn ever,” Sojiro said sadly. 

Shann pouted in what was probably supposed to look like concern, but which actually looked like she was waiting for her payment from her day job as a hooker, and said, “ _But alas and anon mine comrades, why doth we seek the defeat of yon corporation?  When I was but a small child, growing up on the banks of the Ganges_ _River,_ _we enjoyed a fine meal of sexual cheeseburgers each morning, afore we bathed and said our nightly prayers to Quetzalcoatl!’_

Haru smiled, though it was twitching slightly at the edges. “Oh, Shann. I know I’ve gotten a little angry at you in the past, but I really wish I could pick your brain to find out what character you think you’re playing.” 

“Haru…” Akira asked softly, “where did you get that ice pick?” 

“I don’t know what you mean, Akira-kun,” Haru said, running the ice pick idly against her finger tip as if to emphasize the needle-sharp point and how very easily it would go into, just as a random example, a stupid actor’s brains. “Picky-sama has always been here.”  

“… Did you _name_ it?”

Haru smiled. “I don’t know what you mean, Akira-kun.” 

“ _Aye!  But **these** sexual cheeseburgers are… EVIL!” _Shmakoto declared.  _“Though they might be as warm, delicious, and feel as good against your genitals as the normal, youth-friendly sexual cheeseburgers that we all fuck each day for lunch…”_

“Called it!” Ryuji declared. 

  _“… The sexual cheeseburgers of Shokumura foods are made to oppress the youth!  Therefore, we need to stop their oppression.”_

“ _Yes, that makes!  Sense!”_ Shakira declared.

 _“…_ Does it, though?” Makoto asked.

“ _Huh, well, I guess we can look into it,”_ Shmorgana said agreeably.   

“ _YOU KNOW WHO JUST FUCKING SUCKS? SHMORGANA!”_ Ryuji screamed. “ _WE SHOULD THROW HER IN FRONT OF A TRUCK AND MOVE ON WITH OUR LIVES!”_

“… That was a sudden change,” Ryuji said, blinking. 

“Oh, jeez, we’re up to _this_ part,” Morgana said, hiding behind the couch out of shame. 

“Which part?” Ryuji asked.

“The part where you two were idiots,” Yusuke said helpfully. “I remember it quite well. You were most idiotic.”

“Oooooooh, yeah! You were!” Ann said gleefully. “Screwed up way worse than the rest of us ever did, it was amazing.”

 _“HEY GUYS REMEMBER A FEW HOURS AGO WHEN WE NEEDED A SEXUAL HACKER AND SHMORGANA WASN’T ONE BECAUSE SHE’S A DOG?!”_ Shryuji screamed. _“WE SHOULD JUST KILL HER, I SWEAR.”_

“ _Well you know what, Shryuji?!”_ Shmorgana snapped. “ _I bet you **aren’t** the best in the world at sucking dicks!” _

“ _HOW!  DARE!  YOU?!”_ Shryuji snarled in rage that was beyond unspeakable. He reared back, moving as if to kick Shmorgana, who was demonstrating her passion in this argument by licking her butt.  He moved his foot lightly forward, tapping the dog without a great deal of force behind it. Enough to make a sound, more than anything. 

Immediately, without the slightest warning, Shmorgana snarled and lunged for his throat. 

“Huh,” Akira said, over the screams coming from the screen.  “Well, now I think we all see why they usually use _trained_ animals for movies and stuff. So, if nothing else, this has been educational.” 

“Is that dog really mauling him?!” Haru squeaked. “I-I can’t tell if this is part of the movie, or…” 

Yusuke sniffed. “Trust me. The cinematography of this atrocity is so awful that it couldn’t possibly look this realistic if it was planned. That blood spatter is flawless.”

“How do you know what blood spatter looks like…?” Makoto asked.

“All artists know what blood spatter looks like.”

“… … … Do they, though?” 

Ann shrugged.  “I feel like I should care about this, and yet I don’t. Probably because one of them already literally died, so like, at this point another one is just kind of business as usual.”

“Tear his _throat out_ ,” Ryuji hissed. “How’s that pain taste, buddy? Does it taste like _dicks,_ because that’s the only thing you ever seem to put in your _fucking mouth_?”   

“Of course, obviously _some_ people can care,” Ann said. “… So, are they going to just leave him to get mauled? That dog has been going for his face for _awhile_.” 

“Two minutes and thirty-seven seconds,” Futaba said. “It’s okay. I’ve analyzed the dog thoroughly and it seems to be a real animal mauling a real person.  It probably isn’t a recording drone.” 

“…. Why would it be a recording drone? It’s a _movie._ They have _normal cameras,_ ” Haru said. 

“These people are sociopaths, Haru. We can’t assume anything,” Futaba said. 

Haru sighed.  “You are calling them sociopaths for cutting out your story arc, right? Not because they’re leaving a man to be eaten by what is pretty clearly an untrained dog they found in an alley.”

“Three minutes and forty-two seconds,” Futaba hissed. 

On the screen, someone _finally_ had apparently called for a cut, because the screen cut to static for a few moments before returning to the group standing about looking somewhat awkward.  Awkward by the standards of people really couldn’t act and burst into disturbing sex more often than most people changed their socks, even.

“ _I… feel like… we should not be making this movie anymore,”_ Shmakoto said slowly. 

“ _Stick to the script,”_ Shmorgana said from off-screen, though quite noticeably the dog itself was nowhere to be seen. On account of how it had tried to kill one of the stars.

“ _NO, I ACTUALLY PRETTY MUCH AGREE,”_ Shryuji said, his tone haunted. “ _THAT DOG TRIED TO RIP MY EAR OFF, AND NOW THE CRAZY SHAKESPEARE GIRL RAN AWAY.”_

“Ohhh, Shann is gone!  I like this way better already,” Ann said cheerfully.

“I don’t know. I think I’ll miss her, because hating her has started to become what gives my life meaning,” Haru said, almost wistfully.  “But that’s only because this movie has destroyed all the other things that I took meaning from.” 

 _“And you better believe we’ll be suing her for breach of contract! Honestly, accusing us of animal cruelty?!”_ Shmorgana’s voice snapped. 

“ _Well, I mean, you did have us kick the dog,_ ” Shmakoto said.

 _“I’M GONNA BE REALLY FUCKING BLUNT WHEN I SAY THAT THE DOG WAS MUCH CRUELER TO ME THAN I WAS TO IT,”_ Shryuji said. 

 _“And why did we even have to kick that dog?  That wasn’t a trained dog! It was going to be angry at us!”_ Shakira added. 

_“For authenticity!”_

_“Excuse me, but why do we need to be authentic? This is a porn, and… I’m sorry, not a great one. We haven’t even gotten cue cards yet!”_

_“Cue cards wouldn’t help you, you moron! You can’t even read!”_

_“ **I’m trying, okay?!**_ ”

“You know, I feel like I should be angry about the animal cruelty,” Sae said, “but I’m actually just confused by how the dog let these kids have _sex_ with it without complaining, and yet reacted with furious violence to a light kick.”

“That was one kinky dog,” Ryuji said sagely.

“ _Everyone, just calm down!  We can’t turn on each other!”_ Shmakoto said consolingly. “ _We may have lost Shann, but we’re still all in this together. I mean, who else would take us? Shakira, you can’t read. Shryuji, you have no ability to lower the tone of your voice. Shyusuke is dead. And as for me, well, though I might look physically perfect, at this point you all know that I have to work in porn because I’m a werewolf.”_

_“Yeah, dude, we talked about this in the buffet before filming, I’m pretty sure you just had a dream…”_

_“ **The blood of the ancient wolves flows through me, Shakira!”**_

“Wow. Makoto, you’re suddenly much less hot now that I know you’re crazy,” Ann said. “Shame, I really liked the way the oil glistened on your manly pecs.” 

“Takamaki, I will power-bomb you through the goddamn _floor._ ”

“ _All of you, shut your dumbass faces!  We are going to continue filming or you’ll all be sued!  Suuuuuued!”_ Shmorgana snarled. “ _We will replace those traitors, and we will continue to pursue my vision! This will be the greatest porn in all of Japan!  This will… it… is the camera rolling?  WHY THE FUCK IS THE CAMERA ROLLING, YOU GODDAMN HACKS?!  I’LL-”_

The screen once more broke down into static for a few long minutes, and Sojiro chuckled. “You know, Nijima-san, you had a point. This movie actually _is_ kind of fun when it stops being porn and starts being the worst reality show on the planet.”

“God, don’t bring that up, last time I did it went back to incest scenes starring me for half an hour,” Sae said sadly. “I know there’s a market for everything but come _on_.” 

“ _Wow, every! One! I sure am glad that Shann and Morgana are here and nothing! Is wrong!”_ Shakira loudly declared.

“ _Baaaah._ **”** Shmorgana said, gnawing on Shakira’s shirt. 

“ _Pourriez-vous s'il vous plaît partir? Je suis ici de la compagnie de nettoyage, j'ai vraiment besoin d'éponger tout ce truc bizarre_ ,” Shann said, adjusting her hairnet and dipping her mop into a bucket of soapy water. 

“ _Yes, they certainly are exactly the same! And I’m alive!”_ Shyusuke said. 

“ _You know, it really bugs me that you people don’t believe I’m the chosen of the wolf god,”_ Shmakoto said.

“ _Stick! To! The! Script!”_ Shmorgana’s shrieked from offscreen.

“ _Je suis désolé, je ne parle pas japonais_ ,” Shann said. “ _S'il te plaît, sors cette chèvre d'ici, j'ai besoin de la vadrouille.”_

“So, um… everyone, I know that my grip on reality has been fading somewhat, but…” Ann began, hesitantly. “But has something… changed…?”

“Shmorgana the magic dog appears to be a goat now,” Makoto said. “And either Shann spent the few hours she was off-screen doing some seriously, seriously hardcore drugs and eating fifteen tons of food, she appears to have been replaced by a woman about forty years older. And dressed as a cleaning lady. And… French?”

“I do _not_ think she’s actually a porn star,” Futaba agreed. “I mean, I avoid the granny porn and cleaning lady porn, so I can’t be sure…”

Akira’s eye twitched. “Futaba, please tell me you made that up. Tell me there isn’t porn of elderly cleaning ladies. _Please_ tell me this.”

“Oh, my poor, sweet, naïve child.”

“Dammit.”

“ _Now that Shryuji and I have made up, we need to fight sexual cheeseburgers, like we originally planned. Forward, sexual thieves, to glory!”_ Shmorgana declared, baahing and headbutting Shyusuke’s corpse, making it swing on its wires. She then pulled one of his shoes off and started eating it. 

“ _Cette chèvre est insalubre. Et pourquoi ce garçon est mort ici? J'ai besoin d'un plus grand seau_ ,” Shann said, pulling a bottle of window cleaner from her cart and spraying it on Shmakoto’s bare chest, before beginning to polish him. 

“ _Sexual cheeseburgers? Why I do believe you mean… MY FATHER!”_ said a female voice from offscreen, in what was probably assumed to be a dramatic fashion. 

“Squeeeeeeee, it’s me, it’s me!” Haru said. “Oooh, I bet she’s going to be _awful_. I can’t waaaaaait!”

 _“_ Dude, you ever think our friends are kinda fucked up?” Ryuji whispered to Akira. 

 _“_ Everyone stop _talking,_ we are trying to _analyze the porn!_ ” Futaba hissed. “I will _have_ my _revenge._ ”

“No idea what you mean,” Akira said.  

The doors of the room… which, it had to be pointed out, was apparently the exact same prison laundry room they had ‘fought’ Shmadarame in… swung open and in walked…

“Oh, I _hate_ her,” Haru breathed, almost reverently. 

“ _Greetings, peasants,”_ said a young woman as she entered the room, dragging behind her a young man on a leash. She was wearing some unholy combination of a leather corset and a cheap evening dress, and atop her very unnaturally red and unspeakably fluffy afro hairdo was an honest-to-God (if rather obviously plastic) crown.  The man she dragged behind her was locked in a skintight leather catsuit that covered every inch of his body except for… well, except for ten inches, if you get the meaning.  “ _I am Sharu Shokumura, baroness of sexual cheeseburger development for Shokumura Foods. And I am here to help you kill my father!”_

Futaba just closed her eyes and sighed as the fire axe slammed into her laptop.  “Haru, for Christ’s sake, we covered why you shouldn’t do that. And where were you even hiding that axe?!”

Haru sighed happily. “A lady never shares her secrets.”   


	9. Chapter 9

“Why didn’t we do this from the very start?” Futaba said cheerfully, as Ryuji chopped the lock off the door of the local discount movie theater with a pair of heavy bolt-cutters from the Sakura family toolbox.

“Because it’s illegal,” Akira said. “But I think that the circumstances do warrant a slightly extreme response if we want to have any working televisions left.” 

“You couldn’t have thought of this _before_ we lost like 400,000 yen in electronics?” Sojiro muttered.

“On the plus side, they weren’t thinking about breaking into a closed theater. That’s responsible,” Sae offered. “Or, you know, it was until we came here. So, I guess the lesson is that the kids can only be trusted _so far._ ” 

“We are pushed to fight evil!” Haru declared, her expression still perfectly cheerful and yet somehow not the slightest bit reassuring. 

“Yeah!” Ann agreed, the battle against darkness apparently having given her some life yet (or maybe it was just that they’d needed to take an hour off while everyone looked for bolt cutters and Futaba researched the best way to set up a projector).

“I don’t mind the evil, so much. I want to fight bad art,” Yusuke added.

“… Sure, why not!” 

“And not getting our proper recognition!”

“Go to Hell, Futaba.” 

“Everyone!” Morgana said sharply. “We are united against a common foe. A common foe that made me a female dog, and now some kind of sex goat. Whatever your reasons for pursuing this battle, never forget it is against a beast of despair that must be destroyed no matter that cost!”

“I’m actually kind of happier now that Shann is just the cleaning lady. Though I wonder why she’s French,” Ann admitted.

“Immigrants sometimes have a hard time getting a respectable job, you know,” Makoto said knowledgably.  “It’s a real problem for society.”

“I guess it is true that there aren’t many jobs less respectable than ‘porn washer.’  And she’s at least keeping up Shann’s inability to recognize what kind of movie she’s in,” Ann said as the group sat down in the empty theater while their resident tech gnome ran her little legs up to the projector booth to set up. “… I think.  I actually have no idea what she’s saying, but she doesn’t _seem_ to have fucked anybody yet.”    

“She did scrub Makoto’s bare manly chest,” Haru said. 

“ _Stop. Calling. Him. My. Name,_ ” Makoto said, the seat she had chosen crunching unpleasantly as she gripped the old wooden armrests so tightly they shattered in her grip. 

“But you’re my favorite character! So tall and strong and glistening…” 

“ ** _Haru, do you doubt that I could make you eat your own axe if I really tried?_** _”_

“… I’ll stop.”

“Joker, I don’t think the team will hold together until the end of this one,” Morgana whispered into Akira’s ear. “If you need to lock them all in and burn the theater down, just warn me. I’ll be sure to trip Ryuji.” 

“We’re not going to kill everyone, Morgana,” Akira whispered back chidingly. “… Unless we have no choice.”

“Good man.”

“All right!” Futaba crowed, poking her head out of the projector booth.  “Are you all ready down there?”

“No!” Everyone replied.

“Awesome, hitting play!” 

 _“You are perhaps wondering why I would seek to kill my own father! Well, I will happily explain it while you all lick my boots clean, filthy peasants,”_ Sharu said, the greatly increased size of the screen making her even more uncomfortable to be around. She held up a purse and spilled out what appeared to be several large rubber eggplants. “ _Also, I will need each of you to shove one of these up your butts.”_     

“ _Yes, that seems! Reasonable!”_ Shakira declared.

“Does it, though?” Akira asked sadly. 

“ _The only one who shoves anything up the ass of a manly man is his manly sister!”_ Shmakoto declared firmly, holding up a large, knobbly, _thing_ that could not be called a dildo because a dildo was safe to insert in a human body, and this most certainly did not look like it was. 

“Oh, good, at least I got out of this one,” Makoto said. 

“ _Luckily, mine is right here!”_ Shmakoto added, as Shsae stepped onto the set and took the giant rubber _thing_ from him with a giant smile. 

“I hate them so much.”

“You really need to stop tempting fate. Look at me: I’ve abandoned _all_ hope and being dead inside has really improved my experience with this movie,” Ryuji said.  “Ann had the right idea all along, who knew?”

“ _I BET I CAN FIT THIS WHOLE THING IN MY MOUTH!”_

“ _C'est insalubre. Vous devriez toujours désinfecter le caoutchouc avant de le sucer comme un cinglé,”_ Shann said, taking another ridiculous sex toy from Shryuji and wiping it down with a damp cloth before handling it back to him. “ _Les enfants ont des passe-temps étranges dans ce pays_."  

“See? I don’t even fucking know what’s happening, and I’ve never been more blissfully numb. Bein’ dead inside is the _best,_ you guys should try it.”

“I know, right?” Ann said. The two of them very unenthusiastically high-fived.

“ _Now that everyone is properly butt-sexed, and my boots are clean,”_ Sharu said, as Shakira finished licking her boots and she stomped on his hands, seemingly for fun.  “ _I shall tell you my sad tale.  First, meet my beloved fiancée, Shsugimura, the love of my life!”_

 _“Mmmmmmmfffff…”_ Shsugimura said, through his ball gag.

“Oh _my,_ ” Haru sighed. “So that _is_ him. I was afraid of that. Well. I… I’m so _furious_ , I… I can’t even put it into words.” 

“ ** _I did not give you permission to speak, worm_** _!”_ Sharu snarled, backhanding him across the face and sending him sprawling, before raising her high-heeled boots and beginning to stomp on him. Repeatedly.

“… … … And yet also slightly jealous. Huh, didn’t see that coming,” Haru admitted.  She sounded disappointed, as if the purity of her rage being diluted was somehow disappointing to her.  Haru was a little bit weird. 

“ _Though Shsugimura has agreed to be my slave for all time, my father has denied us our true love!”_ Sharu declared, grinding her heel into Shsugimura’s throat while he gasped pitifully. “ _For you see, he is an old man and wishes to destroy the happiness of all teenagers, just as his sexual burgers are secretly **anti** -sexual burgers that prevent the expression of sexual freedoms, using chemicals!” _   

Everyone gasped in unison. “ _Chemicals?!_ ” they said. 

 _“Elle va avoir du sang sur le sol si elle continue à le frapper, je ne nettoierai pas ça,"_ Shann said. 

 _“Exactly, Shann!”_ Shakira declared.  _“Sharu! We will! Help y-_ “

He was cut off, then, by Sharu stepping forward and slamming the heel of her palm into his solar plexus. “ _I didn’t ask for your help, I **demanded** it, you filthy whore!” _

_“Urrrrrk…”_ Shakira said, coughing up a little bit of blood. 

“Did she… did she actually _hurt_ him there?” Sae asked.

“Do we care?” Akira asked. 

“I hope they _all_ die,” Ann offered. 

“Fine by me. I know I’m safe because I’m _not there_ ,” Futaba snarled. 

“ _Now, all of you!”_ Sharu snarled. “ _I demand to be pleasured, so begin eating me out while I hook up my lover’s testicles to a car battery!  Then, we shall leave him here to be electrocuted for the next seven hours while we murder my father for his crimes against teenage kind!”_

 _“Ouch…”_ Shakira said.  “ _That… actually really hurt…”_

 _“ **Did I tell you to speak, whore?!**_ **”** Sharu suddenly shrieked, yanking a pipe off the wall of the filthy prison washroom and slamming it across his face. 

“ _Th-that wasn’t in the script…”_ Shmakoto said. 

“ _The script is for the weak!  I am a **goddess** now, and all shall worship me and despair!” _Sharu said with a very unstable giggle.  _“Finally, I have found my place in the world! I was born for this stage, and you were all born to die for me! Mwahahahaha… .BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”_ she laughed madly, bringing the pipe down on Shakira again. He let out a half-scream half-cough and twitched, which told everyone he was still alive. 

 _“Huh.  Ad-libbed, but I like it!  Keep rolling!”_ Shmorgana said.

“Five minutes and she’s gone mad with non-existent power. That’s gotta be some kind of record,” Sojiro said. 

“I kinda like Sharu. Is that weird?” Ryuji asked. 

“Would you like to be castrated, Ryuji-kun?” Haru asked.

“Never mind.” 

“So, I’ve got to admit. I’m a little bit scared to see Haru’s father. The others have been… _problematic,_ ” Akira said slowly. 

“Kamoshida was actually pretty much the same in the porn as in real life, to be fair,” Ann pointed out.

“Yes, and the _original_ was problematic, so it still fits.”

“… Damn. Touché.”

“Ugh, Takamaki, don’t speak French. It reminds me of New Shann,” Makoto said with a shudder.

“That isn’t so bad. New Shann’s the only _likable_ one,” Haru said.

“We can’t understand a word she says.”

“And that’s what I like most about her.”

“… Damn. Touché.”  

“Huh. This is actually way calmer than I’m used to from them,” Sae muttered. “Do you think they finally did just burn out and can’t find true anger anymore?” 

“I’ve thought that a few times now,” Sojiro said. “They keep right on bouncing back.”

“… Are you _enjoying_ watching them suffer?”

“I’ve lost ridiculous amounts of home theater equipment today, and you damn well know Futaba isn’t paying for _any_ of it. I have to get a _little_ joy out of _something_.” 

“… Huh. You think they would notice if I _also_ started to enjoy their suffering?” Sae asked.

 _“Oh my God you guys Haru’s dad is a tentacle monster!”_ Futaba squealed in unbearable delight. 

“Eeeeeeeeeeeeehssssssssssssssss,” Haru said, a sound not unlike a very _mellow_ angry cat killing an oddly calm shrieking bird. 

“I don’t think anyone will be noticing anything for a bit,” Sojiro said, closing his eyes so he wouldn’t have to see the screen. 

“ _Mwahahahahaha!”_ Shkunizaku Shokumura oozed, as his many, many penis-shaped tentacles waved around him, suspended on strings that were _probably_ supposed to be invisible.  “ _So you’ve finally come to kill me, as I always knew you would, Sharu!”_

 _“Yes, dear father!  Finally, I am able to live out the plan for your death that I have been plotting since I was five years old!”_ Sharu declared, holding the rest of the cast on leashes. “ _Ever since you wouldn’t get me the doll I wanted as a child, I’ve known that you, like all adults, inherently despise everyone younger than yourselves!”_

 _“Yes! Yes, I do! That is why my sexual burgers are full of chemicals!”_ Shokumura burbled, waving his tentacles about. _“Also they’re literally made from dead teenagers.”_

“The fuck are there so many cannibals in this movie?! There _cannot_ be anyone who would find this hot!” Ryuji snapped.

Futaba took out her phone, typed ‘Vore’ into Google, and showed him the results.

“… _WHY?!”_ Ryuji screamed. 

Sojiro smiled, not even bothering to open his eyes as he whispered to Sae, “Told ya.” 

“ _Curse you, father!  First the cannibalism, and then even worse you tried to control who I marry!”_ Sharu snapped.

“ _Bwahahahaha!  I don’t even have a reason to do it, I just hate the idea of you being happy!”_ Shokumura declared.  _“All I’ve ever wanted in life was to ruin the happiness of all teenagers! And that is why I will now have sex with all of your friends!  Simultaneously!”_

“I feel like there was a leap of logic here,” Ann said. 

 _“I_ feel like we left logic behind a _long_ time ago,” Makoto muttered. 

 _“Everyone!”_ Shmakoto said. “ _Our only option is to each have sex with one of those tentacles, although I hesitate to do so because none of them is my sister.”_

“Is that really their _only_ option?” Ryuji asked sadly. “I feel like they have other options, if they would just try looking around…”   

_“ALL THESE TENTACLES ARE JUST BIG DICKS TO ME, BUDDIES! AND SUCKING DICKS IS LITERALLY THE ONLY OPTION IN ANY SITUATION!”_

“Nobody asked you, douche!”  Ryuji snapped. 

“ _Pourquoi obtenez-vous de la boue partout sur le sol? Je dois nettoyer le sol. Je vais charger supplémentaire pour nettoyer cette boue sur le sol_ ,” Shann said. “ _Je vais charger beaucoup d'argent. Parce que cette boue semble tacher les choses. Les taches sont difficiles à sortir_.” 

“ _Shann is right!”_ Shyusuke said, rotting slightly as a tentacle lightly slapped against him, their strings getting tangled together slightly.   _“I myself am already having sex with a tentacle, because I’m alive and have a sex drive.”_

“ _DIE, BITCH! DIE!”_ Sharu shrieked, ripping a tentacle off the obvious strings holding it up, and beginning to rip at it with her teeth as she wrapped her legs around it on the floor, beginning to furiously grind against it even as she ripped chunks out with her teeth, spitting out mouthfuls of weird foam. _“HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!  I AM THE GODDESS OF THE NEW WORLD AND YOUR PAIN FEEDS ME! ALL WILL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR!”_

“If anyone wants to make a hilarious joking comment about how she’s kind of like me after all, I suggest you reconsider it,” Haru said sweetly. “Just wanted to bring that up.” 

“We don’t have to. You did it yourself,” Futaba said. 

“… Dammit.” 

“And honestly, I wasn’t even thinking about it. These tentacles just do _not_ match the quality of the rest of the movie. This is why most people don’t do them live-action, you know?  They’re hard to properly animate without CGI, and once you get into _that_ you’re really abandoning the spirit of the film. And it was so _good_ up until now.” 

Akira sighed. “Futaba, for fuck’s sake, would you learn to read the mood already.” 

“What? I mean, treachery aside, this is a top-shelf film. I was all set to call this the masterpiece of new-wave neoclassical erotica…”

“I don’t think that’s a thing, and I don’t think you’d be a good judge of it if it was.”

“… but the quality just took a _huge_ hit when the tentacles came out. You just can’t _do_ live-action tentacles on a budget,” she said in distaste, as Ryuji shoved about three feet of foam in his mouth.  “You either do them full CGI, in which case they stand out, or you spend a ton on prosthetics that just never _quite_ look right. Or you get this. Which is _cheap_.  Look at it!”

“I’m choosing not to,” Ann said, keeping her eyes firmly closed.   

" _Pourquoi est-ce que ces enfants bizarres font du sexage avec cette pieuvre? ... ça va faire de la boue partout, je dois nettoyer la boue, tu sais, tous leurs vêtements seront tachés, je ne vais pas nettoyer leurs vêtements_ ," Shann said.

“She gets it. I really identify with Shann now, guys,” Ann said cheerfully.

“Do you know what she’s saying?”

“No! It’s awesome. Just imagine she’s saying whatever you want her to be saying.”

“I imagined her saying she’s going to kill Shmakoto,” Makoto said as he humped enthusiastically at a foamy slime thing.  “Close your eyes and try it, you guys.  It’s made my life noticeably better already. Seriously, just give it a shot. It will make you way happier.”   

As one, the group let out a sigh of relief. 

“She said Shryuji choked on a dick and died,” Ryuji said.

“She said Sharu is going to drown in her own vileness and never return,” Haru said. 

“She said Shakira learned how to goddamn remember his lines,” Akira said. “Right before he got hit by a bus.”

“She said Shmorgana isn’t a goat,” Morgana whispered solemnly.

“… She’s saying I haven’t heard from Yusuke in awhile,” Futaba said suspiciously. 

As one, the group opened their eyes. 

“ _Did that little fuck ditch us?!”_ Ryuji snarled, looking around the theater to discover there was no artists to be seen.

“Oooooh, that sneaky little fox knew he was boring and we’d never miss him!” Futaba snapped. “Why would he do this?!”

“ _You guys! The only way to!  Properly defeat evil like this! Is if all us take the tentacles up our asses!”_   Shakira shouted on the screen.  What followed was a sound that defied description, unless the description was SPLOOOORRRRRRGGGGCCCCCHHHHHRRRRRLGG. 

” _No! Noooo!  Butt sex, my one weakness!”_ Shokumura screamed.  “ _My mind is being overwritten by the power of teenage sexuality!”_

 _“YES! YES, I AM THE SEX GODDESS! YOU WILL ALL DIE AT MY HANDS UNLESS YOU CAN MAKE ME CUM A DOZEN TIMES!”_ Sharu roared. “ _I’M NOT JOKING, YOU LITTLE FUCKS!  THIS ISN’T IN THE SCRIPT!  IF I DON’T HAVE MORE ORGASMS THERE WILL BE BLOOD!”_

 _“… I have some moral issues with her, sir. Can we…”_ Shmakoto said.

 _“Keep rolling! This is gold!”_ Shmorgana said from off-screen, while _on-_ screen Shmorgana let out a small bleating sound and continued eating the cast’s discarded clothes.    

“I mean, I have a good idea why he left,” Akira said. “But not taking us with him was a complete dick move.” 

“We definitely need to have _words_ with him for trying to walk out on us,” Ann said, eyes narrowed. “Starting with ‘remember that time you tried to pressure me into modeling nude?’ and ending with some pretty extreme blows to his kneecaps.”

“Ann, this isn’t the time to settle old grudges. We’re on a mission.”

“ _Old grudges are the only thing that make me feel human anymore,”_ she hissed. 

 _“_ Dude,” Ryuji said, putting a hand on Akira’s shoulder. “Just let her have this one. We’ve all had kind of a lot to be bitter about lately.”

Akira nodded solemnly.  “All right. Put the movie on pause, Futaba, while we go find Yusuke and break his legs.  Then we’ll all come back here and complete what I’m becoming increasingly convinced is some kind of demonic test intended to purge us of all human emotion.”

“I hate to be the Devil’s Advocate, but maybe we shouldn’t bother? I mean, it would just delay things even _more_ ,” Haru said softly.  “Don’t we all want to get this over with, so Futaba will stop holding us hostage like a little sociopath?”

“It’s true, I _am_ doing that,” Futaba said proudly. 

“So, I don’t know, maybe it would be best to…” 

“ _AND SO IT ENDS, DEAR FATHER!  FREEDOM! FREEDOM AND **POWER!**_ ” Sharu screamed, leaping through the air to sink her teeth into Shokumura’s neck.  He was borne down under her weight, at first screaming in a disturbingly realistic manner totally inconsistent with his thus-far demonstrated lack of acting talent.  This was replaced quickly, however, with a kind of wet gurgling noise and a deep, terrified silence from everyone else on the screen, like a crypt at the dead of midnight.

“…………………………………………… Okay, never mind, let’s go and try not to leave any evidence we were here,” Haru said.


	10. Chapter 10

The group took the DVD out of the projector, walked out of the theatre, and took several deep breaths. 

They looked at each other, staring in silence for several long seconds. 

“So,” Akira said slowly, “I don’t want to jump to conclusions, and I think we all need to _stay calm_ , but…”

“ _It really was a snuff film all along oh shit we’re all going to prison!”_ Ann shrieked, her voice reaching such a high pitch the others could feel their bones vibrate. Morgana screamed in pain and covered his ears with his paws.  Down the street, something shattered. 

“Takamaki, for the love of God, _shut up_ ,” Makoto hissed, clamping her hand down on Ann’s mouth.  “We didn’t know, all right? They had it on a shelf in Akihabara, for God’s sake, nobody knows. Nobody would ever watch this but us, and that’s only because we’ve been cursed by a tiny demon.”

“None of you appreciate me,” Futaba muttered. 

“Futaba, after this, you’ll be very lucky if any of us ever _speak_ to you again, much less _appreciate_ you,” Akira snapped. 

“Hey, I’m fighting their evil too now! I don’t _like_ that they killed someone!”

“ _Two_ people,” Ryuji said.

“Shyusuke doesn’t count! He died on his own!” Futaba protested.  “And… you know, I don’t think that Sharu character killing the dude was in the script. So technically this still isn’t _really_ a snuff film. Nobody _paid_ her to kill someone.” 

“ _A murder occurred on screen, Futaba!”_ Haru squeaked. 

“Would. You. All. Stop. _Screaming_?!” Makoto hissed, clamping her other hand on Haru’s mouth. “We are _outside_! We haven’t done anything wrong, but If someone comes up to ask why we’re all shrieking about _murder-porn,_ we are absolutely going to get arrested anyway, and I think you should remember that defense attorneys _never win in this country_.”

“We _sometimes_ win…” Sae muttered. “I mean, I’ve won a few cases... almost…”

Sojiro patted her on the shoulder. “There, there. When these kids get arrested, I’m sure you’ll almost get one or two of them out of it.” 

Akira narrowed his eyes. “Boss, I’m once again questioning why you’re so sure only _we_ are going to jail.” 

“Oh, son. You’re like family to me, you know that. But there’s no amount of affection that could _ever_ make me go to prison over this goddamn movie. I would protect you from wild bears and raging floods, but to avoid association with this mess I will throw you under the bus without the slightest hesitation.” 

“… You’re kind of a dick sometimes, boss.” 

“It’s how ya survive in a harsh world, kid.” 

“All right. First of all, we need to get out of the street. Then we need to find Yusuke and break his knees. Then we need to burn this DVD and never speak of it again,” Makoto said.

“… Actually…” Sae said.

“ _Sis, don’t you fucking dare.”_

 _“…_ now that we have _definite_ evidence of a murder, we probably should try to see justice done…” 

“ _No. Sis. No. Don’t.”_

“… and since I think none of us want to admit we saw any of it or were standing near it, we’ll have to analyze it personally, so…”

“ _Hssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.”_  

“… we really should keep going. Unless you want to turn it in to the police and admit we all saw it.” 

Makoto sighed, deflating as her anger was replaced by sorrow and pain. “No. No, I would rather finish watching that admit to anyone I did watch.  I think we’re all on that page by now.” 

“God, that’s sad,” Ryuji said. 

“I long for death,” Ann said. 

“Just ask Haru. She apparently eats people,” Morgana said with a shrug.

“S-she didn’t _eat_ him! She just… just ripped his throat out with her teeth!” Haru protested. “That’s……. better…?”

“Everyone, stop!” Futaba snapped. “None of this matters right now, because we’re _short one Inari._ We have to do this as a _group_ or _it doesn’t count.”_

“… Why…?” Makoto asked.

“Yo. Makoto. You’re, uh, asking Futaba for logic,” Ryuji said. 

“Dammit, you’re right.” 

“And you know, I agree with her. If I have to suffer, I want everyone to suffer,” Ann said. “Not just Yusuke. Everyone in the _world_. I want my pain to rage across the cosmos and burn down civilizations that have not yet been born.”

Haru sighed. “You’re making me miss Old Shann when you talk like that.  New Shann just isn’t the same. Or maybe she is, I don’t speak French.”

Futaba cleared her throat to draw attention back to her, and said, “Now, then, I need Sojiro and the sexy lawyer to leave.” 

“There had better be another lawyer somewhere that I’m not seeing, you creepy little demon child,” Sae muttered. 

“Nope, sorry, you’re the sexy lawyer. Like something from a TV show about torrid affairs in a law office,” Futaba said cheerfully.  “And I need you to leave. Begone. Vamoose. Go home with Sojiro and talk about boring things like mugs and rice and stuff.” 

“Aren’t you the whole reason I’m here in the first place?  Why do you want me to leave now?” Sae asked.

Futaba considered this. “Well, I’m not about to _commit a crime_ , if that’s what you’re wondering.”  She then winked, paused for a few seconds, and then winked again. 

Sae just sat there, staring at her, before sighing in defeat.  “Do you have any more whiskey at your café, Sakura-san? I think I was happier when I was unconscious.”

“Sorry. Just coffee. You’ll be even _more_ awake.”

“Monster.”

The two adults (technically several of the team were ‘adults’ at this point in the sense of being 18+, but none of them were feeling terribly proud of that fact since it meant they could legally purchase and watch porn, and all of them now hated porn with a deep, burning passion) walked off, and Futaba grinned wickedly, raising her phone. “Now, I am going to commit a crime.”

Makoto kept her case carefully blank.  “Really. Never would have guessed.” 

“Oh, I know.  I was subtle,” Futaba said cheerfully. “Now! I have a program installed on all your phones that lets me track you…” 

“Since when, and _for what reason_?” Akira asked. 

“Since before we met, and in case I ever need to find you for something. Try to keep up,” Futaba said.

“It’s our _phones_. You could just text or call us to ask where we are.”

“Yeah, sure, if I was _cavewoman._ This is a digital world, and I’m a digital girl. We can’t all be living in the dark ages like you, my little Neanderthal,” Futaba said, patting him on the shoulder in the manner of someone petting a very stupid puppy.  “Now let’s get going. The signal is Northwest, and Inari can’t have gone far, even though he does have stupid long legs for taking big steps. March!”

The group, guided by Futaba’s highly illegal cellphone tracking software, set off through the alleyways and tried not to yell at Sojiro for living in a neighborhood that was basically nothing _but_ alleyways, because it was cramped and smelly.  About ten minutes in, Futaba got tired and Akira began carrying her on his back, because he was pretty sure his friends blamed him at least partially for all this and so he would be press-ganged into it anyway.  About five seconds after that, she started falling asleep, but it was okay; by then they had started running into people who were wondering why exactly the tall weird pale guy who always yelled about paint had come running by, and more traditional hunting methods took over. 

They found Yusuke perched on a roof, furiously sketching something with that slightly off-focus expression he got when doing art. “Ah. He thought of something to draw,” Akira said. “You know he can’t control himself when that happens. We can’t really blame him for leaving.” 

“We’re gonna blame him anyway, right?” Ann asked, cracking her knuckles.

“Oh, hell yeah.”

“ _Kit! A! Ga! Wa! YUSUKE!”_ Makoto snarled, channeling the raw unadulterated power of every mom ever despite being barely a year older than the rest of them.  “We all _agreed_ to suffer together, or _have you forgotten?!_ Do you think you can just abandon this team after all we’ve done for you? After all we’ve done _together_?”

“More importantly, you think we’d actually let you?” Ryuji asked. 

“I’m going to peel your face off,” Haru said, her tone sweet and calming.  “But not in a mean way.” 

“I found it,” Yusuke said, not looking up from his sketchbook.   

“…. What…?”

“The location that travesty of a film was recorded in. I have found it. The scenes that weren’t shot in a prison laundry room, I mean,” Yusuke said. “When I realized it, I had to capture it on canvas. I shall call it ‘The Heart of Despair.’” 

The silence was thick.  Someone down the street made a noise, and Ann threw a brick at them without looking, because this was the sort of time when they just _couldn’t_ allow anyone outside the core group to disturb the strange serenity that had fallen over the world.  Ryuji, also without looking, high-fived her.  He _understood._

“Yusuke,” Akira said, his tone soft, gentle, soothing.  “May I ask you two questions? Just two.”

“Of course, my friend. Indeed, my artistic soul would be only embers without you, quite unlike the blazing inferno which now captures the very essence of pain and suffering. This piece shall be remembered _forever._ ”

“Okay.  First of all. How do you _know_?”  

“While watching the movie, I was studying the…” he shuddered, “… ‘set construction,’ to use that term very loosely.  During the scene with Shkamoshida, there was a clock in the corner of the set stating it was four PM.  Using that information and studying the location of the sun in the amateurish outdoor shots they used to save money rather than constructing any sort of quality set, I was able to determine that it was located within four square kilometers from a small park where I often go to ponder ducks.”

“’Ponder ducks’?” Haru asked.

“They are _magnificent_ creatures. Pure grace in motion. No artist should go a week without pondering ducks.”

“… Sure.”

“In any event, once I had recognized the general location, I was able to determine the location of the building by observing where the ducks _were not_. Ducks have a highly developed sense for pure despair, you see, and would refuse to fly toward such a dedicated source of evil.” 

“That doesn’t sound real at _all_ ,” Ann said. 

“Many things do not, and yet the world of art continues on! Even now, great painters watch ducks and weasels and from them, learn the secrets of our world!” Yusuke proclaimed. 

“You know, Yusuke,” Akira said. “I’ve always been half-convinced that you’re not really an artist, just a lunatic. I can say very truthfully at this moment that I no longer have any doubts.”

Yusuke wiped away a tear of joy.  “Thank you, sir! I am pleased beyond measure that my actions have proven to you the true shape of my soul.” 

“Is he really that oblivious?” Futaba whispered into his ear. 

“You _would_ know oblivious,” Akira said. 

“Well, duh. I’m _really_ smart,” she said proudly, climbing down from Akira’s shoulders and yawning. “Now, Inari, you’re wrong and never found anything.  _I,_ however, have managed to locate one of the deadly film’s treacherous filming spots! It’s right over there, that spot that Inari was painting randomly. Come, we investigate!”

“… Is she really that oblivious?” Yusuke asked.

“You _would_ know oblivious,” Akira said. 

 “I’m not sure what we expect to find here. Isn’t it just a building they rented and shot some scenes out front?” Ann asked as the team crossed the street toward a non-descript building that both of their weirdest members _claimed_ was important, and which might honestly be someone’s drug den for all they knew. Luckily, Makoto could kill a man with her bare hands and she was in a bad mood, so nobody felt too scared. “Or, more realistically, a building they _didn’t_ rent and just used without asking anyone, because they were horrible criminals?”

“It wasn’t a snuff film if they didn’t plan the murder!” Futaba declared.

“See, I didn’t even _say_ ‘snuff film’ but your mind still jumped there.  That’s a bad sign, Futaba.” 

“SILENCE, WE ARE SEEKING OUT EVIL!” Futaba shrieked. 

“So, I know we ain’t really gonna kill her and leave her in a ditch, but does anybody kinda want to anyway?” Ryuji muttered.  Several hands went up, and their owners shall remain anonymous.

“All right,” Futaba said, taking off her backpack. “I’mma plug into the building’s wifi, give them a virus to give me admin rights, and download all the files of anyone who’s ever connected to it.  Then, when I determine which one is a filthy fake porn company, I’ll go on the dark web and hire some Nigerian mercenaries to cut off their-”

“Or we could knock on the door and see if anyone’s inside and ask them about a group of shady people who rented their building in the last few months,” Akira said. 

“…. Boring, but practical! That’s why we make a good team, buddy.”

Trying really hard not to think of good ditches to leave Futaba in, the team walked up to the building the weirdoes had pointed out and knocked on the door once.  A middle-aged man in glasses opened it, smiling down at them.  “Ah, are you the kids here answering the ad to rent the third-floor apartment? I should warn you it still smells bad, but there’s plenty of space since those bastards knocked the walls down without asking, and the price is right considering how big it is now.  I’ll even throw in the off-brand film equipment for free, because I kind of don’t want to touch anything in there. There’s a lot of… ooze.” 

Yusuke smiled somewhat smugly. “Ducks never lie.” 

* * *

 

“So here we are. The belly of the beast. The heart of darkness. The monster’s bloody core. The _den of evil_. The-”

“Futaba, shut the Hell up and start looking around.” 

“You guys are no fun!”

As the landlord had said, the third floor had clearly been the site of either a major war or a truly awful porn filming.  The walls had been knocked down (poorly, there were still pieces of jagged drywall poking out of the floor and ceiling), the floors were stained with… _things_ … and Makoto had to run for the bathroom to throw up upon recognizing the stained bed in the northern corner as the one that Shmakoto and Shsae had held their seventeenth anal scene in.  The entire thing smelled of some combination of sweat, industrial lubricant, and a sack of dead wasps, and the large Shsony brand camera near the door was sparking despite not being plugged in.   

“Well, it certainly does _look_ like the den of a murderer,” Haru admitted.  “I can’t imagine they would have left anything of value behind, though.” 

“They left all their cameras and props!” Ryuji said.

“And like I said: _nothing of value_ ,” Haru retorted, poking the camera lightly. It made a kind of hissing noise and released a green, foul-smelling smoke.  She then knelt beside one of the filthy mattresses, poked it as well, and it did the exact same thing.  “Unless you count the demons that I assume live inside these things.” 

“Actually, I think we can work with this,” Futaba said.  “This is a digital camera… or, no, wait, it actually says ‘shdigital,’ but I assume that means something similar.  I should be able to recover all the original footage from it!” 

“Will that… help…?”

“It means we can watch the _raw unedited version!”_ Futaba squealed.  “Can you even imagine?! I mean, immoral production values or no, this is an _amazing_ movie.  You gotta admit the quality is on _point_.” 

“Two people have died!” Makoto snapped. 

“Not on _purpose._ You can’t be held responsible for _accidental_ deaths that you cause, right?”

“Yes! You can! It’s called ‘manslaughter’!”

“I try not to pay attention to laws whenever possible,” Futaba said cheerfully, turning on the camera and beginning the transfer of data to her laptop.  “Gather around, everyone!  We have a movie to finish.”

“Are we _totally sure_ we can’t leave her in a ditch?” Makoto muttered. 

“Now then, where did we leave off?"

“ _HOLY SHIT SHE FUCKING MURDERED HIM!”_ Shryuji screamed.

Ryuji winced. “That sounds like the spot.”

“ _Oh god, oh god, we’re all going to prison, we’re all going to prison_ again, _there’s two corpses in the studio now! Two!”_ Shsae whimpered.  “ _I can’t go back to prison! The last time nearly broke me!”_

 _“Wait, you were in prison? For what?”_ Shmakoto asked.

“ _I went to juvie for three months when I stole a blouse! I bet they’ll send us almost twice as long for this!”_ she moaned.  _“God, why did I take this job?! Every time I play an incestuous lawyer my life gets worse!”_

“ _Everyone calm down! I mean… yes… there was a murder, and… Sharu appears to have escaped. However, since we aren’t going to report any of this, we should be fine,”_ Shmorgana’s voice said, while the goat in question chewed on Shokumura’s outfit. To be fair, he wasn’t using it anymore.  “ _Now then. Sharu appears to be hiding in the vents, hissing at people who walk near her, but we do not believe she is a threat to anyone else.”_

 _“How can you know?!”_ Shakira asked. 

“ _We moved a bookshelf in front of the vent opening, so she probably can’t get out.”_

 _“I’M NOT SURE I FEEL SAFE!”_ Shryuji declared.

_“Look, she has very slender arms, right? She probably can’t move it.”_

_“YOU ARE SAYING ‘PROBABLY’ A LOT CONSIDERING THERE’S A SERIAL KILLER IN THE WALLS!”_

_“Hey! We don’t know she’s a **serial** killer.”_

_“AND YOU KNOW, THAT’S NOT A VERY REASSURING DISTINCTION!”_

_“…. Okay, you know what, Negative Nancy? I think we all liked you better when all you did was scream about sucking dicks.”_

_“HEY! JUST BECAUSE I AM THE BEST DAMN COCKSUCKER IN THE ENTIRE PORN INDUSTRY DOESN’T MEAN I CAN’T BE A WONDERFUL CRITICAL THINKER TOO!  DID YOU KNOW I HAVE A PHILOSOPHY DEGREE FROM TOKYO UNIVERSITY?”_

_“Philosophy major? Well, that certainly explains why you’re doing porn,”_ Shakira said.

“ _DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST MAKE FUN OF MY DEGREE?_ _YOU CAN’T EVEN FUCKING READ.”_

 _“ **WHY MUST YOU CONTINUOUSLY INTELLECT-SHAME ME?!”**_ Shakira wailed, running off the set. 

 _“Everyone **shut up!** Just focus on your paychecks, and remember your contracts are **air tight.** You filthy degenerates are basically my slaves until this movie is finished!” _Shmorgana snarled.  “ _Now, it’s time to start the next scene. Where’s the actor we hired to play that stupid detective? … WHY IS THE CAMERA STILL ROLLING?!”_

 ** _“_** _I told ya, boss, I dunno how to turn it off!  There ain’t no buttons, and if ya unplug it the insides start ta catch fire!”_ said a voice that none of them had heard before, presumably because it was just not classy enough for off-market illegal porn.  “ _Yer just gonna have ta edit it later. Told ya you shouldn’ta got a ‘Shsony,’ that ain’t a real brand.”_

_“Dammit, you know we’re on a budget! I needed the savings!”_

_“Ya only saved like five-hundred yen, though. I **told** ya, my cousin coulda got you a pretty good deal on a real camera, but ya kept insistin’ on buying from that guy in the alley who kept laughin’ at ya under his breath…”  _

_“ **Stop questioning my vision, camera monkey!** ” _Shmorgana shrieked _._

Haru giggled. “I like the cameraman. I want to see a movie about _him_.” 

“This is a hard business! He shouldn’t be questioning the artist behind the project before it’s even done!” Futaba protested.

 _“_ You know, Futaba, the more you defend ‘Shmorgana’ the more I start to assume you’re going to end up in prison when you’re older.”

“You’re just _now_ starting to assume this? I had her pegged for twenty-five-to-life three weeks after we met her,” Ann said.  

_“_ You guys just don’t understand how _important_ pornography is to our society,” Futaba muttered, sinking down into the slump that can only be experienced by someone whose friends are convinced they are going to die in prison.  

_“Now then,”_ Shmorgana said, taking several deep breaths to calm himself after what he probably _thought_ was a perfectly logical reaction. “ _We’re gonna have to leave this set. Did we leave any evidence we were here?”_

 _“Our prints are_ everywhere _,”_ Shmakoto said.

“ _There’s video of everything we’ve done, and I’m sure lots of people saw us going off to film in the prison laundry room too!”_ Shakira said.

 _“ABOUT A GALLON OF OUR DNA SCATTERED ALL OVER! AND NOT JUST CUM, THERE’S BLOOD FROM ALL THE DEATHS AND DOG-MAULINGS!”_ Shryuji offered.

 _“A corpse, and a witness, and we really can’t sneak all our stuff out since ya broke the walls without askin’ an’ they’ll be pissed,_ ” the cameraman said.  “ _Oh, and the guy who was supposed to play Shgoro Shakechi never showed up.”_

_“Oh, that little fuck!  I’ll kill his children! I’ll eat his heart on a…. WHY ARE YOU STILL FILMING?!”_

_“We covered that, boss.”_

_“FINE!  Since I’m the only competent one in this shit, I’m going to save us all. All the tech stuff has the serial numbers filed off and none of your DNA is on file anywhere since you’re all illegal immigrants…”_

_“I think that’s just Shann.”_

_“Cette folle a tué quelqu'un. Pourquoi personne ne s'inquiète? Il y a du sang sur le sol. Cela va tacher. Je ne le nettoie pas."_

_“ **Did I give you permission to speak, slaves?!** Leave everything except the video files and the corpses, we’re moving to my uncle’s house in the countryside. He’s off in England on a cheese tour, we’ll break a window and finish filming in his bedroom.” _

_“… Why are we bringing the corpses?”_ Shsae asked. 

_“ **Don’t question me, porn monkey!** We should travel separately, and we’ll need to disguise the corpses with sunglasses and hats, so remember the address:  644 Takawa Boulevard, in the village of… WHY ARE YOU STILL FILMING THIS?!” _

“ _It doesn’t! Shut! O-“_

A crunching sound and blackness followed, as the file cut off there. Futaba sighed. “Dammit. All we got is a street that could be in any city in the whole country.  That’s not enough to find them with…”

“Wait, if they smashed the camera at the end there, why is it still here?” Haru asked.

“And if they took the files with them, why could you still download it? Shouldn’t they have taken the data storage _out_ of the camera? They obviously have them still, or they couldn’t have published the full movie!” Ann added.

Futaba grinned smugly. “Oh, you silly idiots.  Anyone who’s anyone in the hacking community can explain _that,_ and so I will, in detail that clearly shows it all makes perfect sense! Obviously, they must have-“

And that was when Sharu, a dead rat clamped in her teeth and murder in her eyes, burst out of the wall with an inhuman shriek and rushed toward them.    


	11. Chapter 11

Sharu had been living in the crawlspaces and walls of the building, feeding upon rats and cockroaches to keep up her strength while she finished her evolution. 

To the casual (and let’s face it, soon to be dead) observer, she might have _seemed_ like a normal psychotic killer who had become a porn actress in pursuit of new experiences to inscribe upon her soul; she knew, after all, that she could not become a god until she had consumed the life-force of a dozen different industries, each one steeped in sin.  The voices told her this, and clearly they wouldn’t lie, they were the will of her future self from Nega-Earth bouncing backwards in time off the choir of souls she would one day claim as her slaves, their bloody song carrying her into the God Palace.  And so, she absorbed the dark power of Shokumura as she hid in the walls of this place, waiting until her transformation was complete to go forth and seek the next stage of her Divine Evolution. 

And then it had happened! To her, in her dark kingdom, had come another fine victim!  The girl spoke of hacking, of the darkness upon the web of light known as the internet! She was a sinner, one who walked in the realm of nightmare and one whom _Sharu could consume, becoming one step closer to the immortal horror that she knew **she was always meant to be**!_

A casual observer might say that at this point, Sharu had burst through the thin drywall with a rat in her mouth.  Sharu herself (she had long forgotten her real name) would say this was silly, for she was _actually_ descending from the Nightmare Realm with the Raiment of Souls wrapped around her, the blood of her victims forming an immortal armor. 

Makoto wasn’t super-casual, though, and _she_ would say that she stepped forward, intercepted the attack, and with the finely-tuned reflexes of a lifelong aikido practitioner, used the woman’s own force to send her flipping head-over-heels to slam into the floor face-first without the slightest loss of momentum, leaving her heavily concussed and instantly unconscious with a sickening crunch.  Makoto then, just to be safe, knelt down to put the woman’s right arm in a joint lock, and with a _twist_ and a _yank_ and a sound that made everyone _slightly ill_ , snapped two bones in the limb in rapid succession. “There! Even if she wakes up, she won’t have use of her dominant hand. We should definitely be able to hold her for as long as needed. Does anyone have any rope?”  

The rest of the group, not really having any time to react to any of the above, kind of just stared.  Finally, after a few seconds, Ryuji said, “I… I thought aikido was supposed to be _non-violent_.”

Makoto smiled sweetly.  “I put my own spin on it.”

Haru shuddered. “Okay, yeah, I’m never again claiming to be the scary one,” she said in a dull, dead sort of tone. Futaba, in a display of sisterly solidarity, fist-bumped her.

“Really, though, we _could_ use some rope. Or at least handcuffs. She does _not_ seem polite.”      

* * *

“Hissssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!” Sharu said, impolitely. 

The group had elected, rather than to risk taking Sharu somewhere that she might slip away from, to remain in the ruined apartment floor.  There was a filthy mattress to tie her to, and rope had been disturbingly easy to locate considering there actually hadn’t _been_ any in the movie thus far. Everyone felt that they were getting an unwanted preview of what was coming up when they went back to the film, and the notion was genuinely disturbing.   

It said something that they all (barring Futaba) felt more comfortable interrogating a bound murderer than they did watching a bad porn.  High school really _was_ a strange time of life.

“Now… what do we call you? Sharu?” Akira began. 

She smiled, which released a horrible smell from her bloodstained teeth as one of her eyes rolled into the back of her head.  “My name was abandoned when I became a demon queen. But I have grown far beyond that now, simple fools! You may call me _GOD.”_  

“… Yeah, no.  Anyhow, we need to find the filthy disgusting inexcusable porno people that you so ably left behind.  Unfortunately, the trail has gone cold. The only person who _might_ know where to look at this point is you.” 

She giggled, her eyes continuing to stare in opposite directions. “Ah, yes. I remember them well.  They were my fifteenth victim, and the one that marked my ascent to the fourth layer of Heaven, where I gaze down upon you now.  Valhalla burns with my ascent to a higher plane of divinity.” 

“… Guys, wanna huddle up for a sec?” Akira asked.  When the group had gathered up outside of Sharu’s hearing range, he whispered, “Okay, I think we have a problem here. Maybe I’m missing some detail or other, but I think that we are _not_ going to have a lot of luck getting information out of her.” 

Yusuke nodded. “Yes, I see the issue.  She is exactly like the real Haru.”

“ _Excuse you?!_ ” Haru snapped. 

“He meant it in a good way, Haru. Focus up,” Futaba said. 

“There is no ‘good way’ to mean that!” Haru said, while Sharu spoke in eldritch tongues in the background.  

“You are practically twins. It would take weeks to list all the ways,” Yusuke said mildly. 

“Keep it up, Kitagawa, and we’ll see about making _you_ more like Shyusuke,” Haru said, very softly. 

“Isn’t Shyusuke dead…?” Ann asked, suddenly uncomfortably aware of the fact the group was still huddled up and therefore all really close to Haru. 

“You’re a very smart girl, Takamaki-chan.” 

“Okay, I’m starting to see the similarities too,” Ryuji said, taking a few steps backwards. 

“We are _nothing alike!_ ” Haru hissed. 

“Hissssssssssssssssss!” Sharu hissed. 

Everyone else took a few steps backwards too.  “So, leader, what do you propose we do?” Ann asked.

“About Haru or Sharu?”

“Either, honestly.” 

“Hehehehehe…” Morgana chuckled, stepping out of the shadows with what he probably hoped was an air of drama. The fact that he had to have deliberately gone to find a patch of shadows to hide in, so he _could_ emerge from them sort of hurt the effect. “What _would_ you people do without me?”

“Be happy?” Ryuji muttered. 

“I’ve been watching you flail about, and don’t get me wrong, it’s been amusing. But when a superior gentlemanly Phantom Thief needs something done, he doesn’t use brute force.  We need to trick her into giving us what we need, clearly,” Morgana said, idly grooming his tail.  It wasn’t as cool looking as he probably hoped. 

“HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE! THE HEAVENS ROAR THROUGH ME IN A RIVER OF BLOOD!” Sharu shrieked.

“Well, I can’t say her mind has me amazed, so outsmarting her won’t be _too_ hard,” Akira said.  “Can’t imagine getting much in the way of coherent answers, though.”

Morgana smirked, which you’d might think would be a weird expression on a cat, unless you’ve ever actually owned one.  “I’ll need five minutes, and the assistance of our team’s finest actress. Lady Ann, if you don’t mind?” 

“Okay, now I _know_ you’re bullshitting us,” Ryuji said with a grin, right before Ann smacked him upside the head.

* * *

 

Sharu alternately giggled and hissed as she gazed upon the world through a haze of red, like normal.  “You are foolsssssss, foooooooolssssss, hehehehehe.  Though I am trapped here in body, my mind travels the cosmos! The souls of the dead have already removed me from this vessel of meat and bone. How can you bind a perfect, immortal, rat god?!”

“Through the divine power of the Cat Lord, Amon-ra!” screamed the voice of someone who was _finally_ making some sense to Sharu’s fragmented psyche. The blonde girl from the group of filthy heretics strode up to her, holding aloft…  

“Bwahahahaha, fool!” Ann shrieked, using her very finest acting skills, which were if anything slightly _below_ porno quality and therefore resonated perfectly in Sharu’s half-lucid brain. Above her head, she held Morgana reverently, the cat’s blue eyes locked on Sharu’s own in what he _probably_ hoped was a look of divine wisdom but honestly mostly looked like he wanted kitty treats.  “By raising yourself to the spirit realm, you have opened yourself to new foes as well! Gaze upon the almighty god of cats, a divine beast that has walked the world since the days of the Pharaohs!”

“If this works, I’m going to give up on life,” Makoto whispered.  “I can’t live in a world where this plan works.” 

“I mean, it’s definitely the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, but a _lot_ of the things I’ve heard today have been the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. So, we might as well give it a shot,” Akira murmured back with a shrug.

“W… what… fool, you seek to ensnare me with a simple cat?!” Sharu hissed, though doubt colored her words for the first time.

“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Ann laughed madly. “Simple cat?! Your power is so weak it cannot even gaze beyond the third veil to the realm where His Majesty’s astral form dwells!  On earth he may seem a mere cat, but in the fifth circle of Nirvana where the Buddha and Zeus dwell playing Divine Poker, he is a three-headed lion with silver wings whose breath creates stars and whose litterbox is the center of the universe!”   

“Gasp!” Sharu said. She didn’t gasp, she _said_ gasp.  “How could I have failed to sense such a thing?! His power must be beyond imagination!”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Makoto said sadly, giving up on life.  Futaba patted her reassuringly on the shoulder. 

“Do you seek now to gain eternal power?!” Ann shrieked. She probably wasn’t trying to shriek, she just had a very certain definition of ‘acting’ that involved quite a bit of volume and not a great deal of forethought.  “Seek thee to abandon this prison of flesh and achieve true godhood?! Offer thineself to Amon Ra and become his divine archangel of blood!”

“Lady Ann, I know I said, ‘sell it’ but you might be going a little far…” Morgana whispered.

“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Ann said.  She’d had a long day. 

“I shall serve the great one!  Guide me forth on the path to the Under-Hell, that I may become a claw in his unholy paw!” Sharu declared, her eyes bright with more madness than usual.

“Speak, child! Speak to us of where the fiends who portrayed our Holy Cat Lord as an ignoble goat might dwell, that he may feed upon their dreams and turn their blood into snakes!” 

“Ah, so this is what humans mean by ‘having too much fun,’” Morgana said. 

“ _The Cat Lord’s meows fill me with unholy bliss!”_ Sharu hissed in a discomforting combination of arousal and agony.  “His foes are my foes!  To the village of Porurando you must go, on the 644th home on the cursed path of Takawa! Here, in the very prefecture of Tokyo it dwells, screaming out with dark agony each night as the rage of His Majesty wears away at it from the Cat Realms!  It is _debased,_ milord, and unworthy of thy rage, but you shall spare not even the insects who dwell there! Down to the smallest germ, you shall purge it!” She fell silent, and then a few seconds later, with _just_ as much anger, she declared.  “You can get there on the bus, but it will probably be like a two-hour wait, they don’t go often!  It’s kind of small!”

“Oh. Huh. Neat!” Ann said. “Okay, guys, call the cops on this cray-cray bitch. Futaba, find a bus terminal nearby? I don’t think anyone feels like driving.”

“Ann, next time someone tells you you’re a bad actress? Remember this moment,” Akira said. “You’ll still be a bad actress, but you’ll be one with _accomplishments.”_

“… … … I feel like I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or not.”

_“HAIL TO AMON-RA!”_

* * *

After calling the police on Sharu (Makoto wanted to burn the building down too, but they decided it would be more polite to just leave a note that the top layer of the actual room should be scoured down with some kind of acid), the gang sat at the bus terminal with their tickets in hand, preparing to venture forth of Porurando. 

They’d been there for about half an hour. 

It wasn’t a popular traffic destination. 

“So, like… anyone have something to do? I feel like we just defeated a serial killer, we probably shouldn’t be just sitting here,” Ryuji asked after everyone sat in silence for awhile, feeling somewhat underwhelmed by the universe in general.

Futaba grinned.

 _“We cannot watch the movie in public, Futaba,_ ” Makoto snapped. 

“Why not? I have my third emergency backup laptop ready, and nobody’s _here_. Nobody cares about us.  We just look like a bunch of doofuses going off to some nowhere town in the countryside nobody ever visits,” Futaba pouted. “You know, isn’t this just proof that our actions as the Phantom Thieves didn’t matter?  We’re still looked down on by rotten adults who just _assume_ we don’t matter because we’re young, when in fact we caught a murderer earlier this very day!”

“Making it sound dramatic doesn’t work, Futaba. We know you’re just evil and want to watch an evil thing,” Ann said idly, looking over the bus schedule. 

“… But I wanna see what happens neeeeeeeeeeeext!” Futaba whined. “Just because the people who made the art are evil doesn’t mean the art is evil! Right, Inari?! You’re an artist, you wouldn’t condemn a painting just because it was painted by a bad person!”

“Normally, no, but in this case the sheer disgusting anti-quality of the ‘art’ means it is possibly _eviller_ than its creator.  My one remaining hope in life is that none but us will ever see it,” Yusuke said. 

“That hope will die soon. There is no goodness or light in the world, and we are all being slowly digested by an amoral universe,” Haru said, cheerfully, fist-bumping Ann in hopeless solidarity.  

“Is it bad that I think after today, every time I think my life has gone badly, I’m just gonna remember Ann and Haru and feel better about myself?” Ryuji whispered to Akira. 

“I’ve already started doing that,” Akira murmured back.

“You two are _awful_ ,” Morgana whispered from his perch on the back of Akira’s seat. “… I’m doing it too.” 

“You guys are lame, you know that? You know you’re lame? The lamest,” Futaba pouted.  “Never letting me do anything fun at all!”

 _“Every! One!”_ Shakira said loudly, but not with a lot of happiness left in his voice, as if he was delivering the lines at gunpoint.  “ _I think it is! Obvious our next step is that! We must! Sex up! **Prosecutors!** ” _

_“_ Futaba! What the fuck?!” Makoto snarled, slamming the younger girl’s laptop (which she could, it turned out, set up with _surprising_ stealth) shut. 

 _“_ You never told me I _couldn’t_ watch.”

“Wh- yes! We did!”

“Oh, right. Well, I remembered I don’t care about anyone’s thoughts or opinions!” Futaba said, proudly.  “Besides, you should be happy. The more we watch, the faster it will end. Win-win.”

“I’m not sure that’s true. If we judge by how the movie makes you _feel_ , it’s already lasted for ten thousand years and has no sign of ever ending,” Haru said. 

“Oh, we should probably just let her play it,” Ryuji muttered. “She’ll find some way to fuck us over if we don’t, and frankly I think it can’t get worse.  Like, that’s not me tempting fate, it’s just that we’ve hit the bottom and can only go sideways into things that are different, but _equally_ bad.” 

“I cannot believe you people are even considering this! We are in a _bus station!_ ” Makoto hissed. 

“One that’s mostly empty. The only person who could see us is that hobo over there,” Ann said. “Hi, hobo!”

“Hi, kids!” the hobo said, before rolling over to go back to sleep. 

“He seems nice,” Haru said. 

“And I… _do_ like the thought of just being done with it,” Akira said, slowly. 

“Et tu, Akira-kun?” Makoto snarled.

“Don’t pin this on me, Makoto. Nobody here wants to watch this thing except the tiny maniac. But it’s pretty clear that we don’t have a choice, for reasons that just keep piling up. It started with basic online blackmail and now we’re apparently in a snuff film murder mystery written by someone who’s done a lot of drugs,” Akira said with a defeated sigh.

“It’s not a snuff film unless they _paid_ for the murder to happen!”

“Futaba, I think you need to stop trying that excuse. It gets less convincing with every use.”

“You know what? You know what?!  Screw you guys, I’m playing it. Gather around close so I can turn the volume down,” Futaba said with the grace and dignity of a sullen pre-schooler.  “You just don’t appreciate art.” 

“ _I WOULD DEFINITELY BE DOWN FOR SUCKING THE DICK OF A PROSECUTOR!_ ” Shryuji screamed, as soon as the laptop opened.

“You know, you’d think that would stop being grating after awhile,” Ryuji said, his eye twitching. “Funny how it just keeps getting’ worse.” 

“ _But wait!”_ Shmakoto said. “ _The only prosecutor we know is my sister, and only I may suck her dick. Which I can’t, because she’s the most beautiful incestuous woman that has ever lived and doesn’t have one to suck.”_

“I wonder if he ad-libbed that because he forgot his lines, or if the movie actually thought we needed explained that women don’t have penises?” Haru asked. 

“50-50 chance either way,” Ann said. 

“ _Pourquoi avons-nous déménagé? Ce dernier endroit était très sale, je n'avais pas fini de le nettoyer. Et cet endroit est sale aussi. Tu devrais me payer un supplément. Et pourquoi dois-je porter ce vêtement sur mon épaule maintenant? C'est un mauvais travail_ ,” Shann said, gesturing to what appeared to be a cardboard circle with a little face on it that was taped to her shoulder. Written on its forehead was ‘Sharu.’ 

“ _Yes, what she said. I enjoy… domination and… stuff? And my father died. I’m sad,_ ” said a very uninterested voice off-camera.  It was clearly male, clearly half-asleep, and somehow managing to flub its lines despite presumably reading from the script.  “ _Look, can have I my thousand yen now? I really need to get back to delivering pizzas…”_

“Oooooh, Ann-chan, look at that, I’m being played by a cardboard cutout taped to your shoulder! We’re like sisters in the movie now!” Haru said cheerfully.

“God don’t say that, these people fuck their sisters, and I don’t think the image of Shann masturbating using that carboard circle would leave my mind _ever,_ ” Ann said with a shudder. 

 “ _Hahaha, foolish sexual thieves!  Though you hesitate to sex up the lovely Shsae, my genius deductions have told me that she is the one who needs sexed up most of all! My detective senses have told me!_ ” said a voice from off-screen that sounded quite a bit like the eternally disembodied voice of Shmorgana (who was himself off on the edge of the shot chewing on a discarded string cheese wrapper), only higher and with a slight, unpleasant squeak to it.  Like someone was really straining their vocal cords to sound younger than they were, and not really succeeding.

“Is that Akechi. Was that meant to be Goro _Akechi_ ,” Akira asked, his tone mingled amusement and dread.  “Is the douchey production manager, who I’m _pretty convinced_ is a 50-year-old drug addict with some kind of throat condition, _playing Goro Akechi._ ” 

“But he’s got to play Morgana too. He can’t do both at the same time,” Haru pointed out.

“Hey, he’s voicing _Shmorgana,_ get the name right!I’m not affiliated with this production!” Morgana hissed.

“Maybe… maybe he’ll record Morgana’s lines ahead of time and have someone else play them while he’s on the set?” Ann wondered.

“You’ll all be hearing from my lawyer, as soon as I get one,” Morgana muttered.

“Goats can’t sue people, buddy,” Ryuji said.

“HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.”

“ _Whose dulcet tones were those, which speak to us?”_ Shmorgana asked, only _barely_ bothering to disguise his voice so he sounded different from the incoming ‘Shgoro Shakechi.’ _“Because he sounds handsome and clever, like someone who saved the production the cost of an actor!”_

_“It is I, the legendary teen sex detective…”_

“Please tell me he’s a teenager who detects sex, not a detective who has sex with teens,” Haru muttered.

“Haru. You know he’s both,” Ryuji said sadly. 

“Dammit.” 

 _“… ace genius Shgoro Shakechi!”_ Shakechi cheered, finally entering the set.  Or, rather, being pulled onto the set by wires not at all unlike those suspending the totally alive Shyusuke as the maggots ate him. 

“Oh God,” Makoto said.

“Oh no,” Ann said.

“Oh _shit_ ,” Ryuji said.  

“… … …” Haru said. Her grip on her seat tightened until the hard plastic splintered under her touch. 

“Now, Haru,” Futaba said gently, “I realize that it might _seem_ disrespectful that Shgoro is being, erm, ‘played’ by the corpse of your dead father dressed up in a suit. But I have to remind you that the man in question was only an actor _playing_ your father, and so it actually is no big d-“

She did not quite finish the sentence before Haru ripped the laptop from her grasp and, with an unearthly shriek, hammer-tossed it so hard it embedded itself in the bus station wall. 

“Damn. That sweater chick is pissed about something,” the bus station hobo said mildly, as Futaba buried her head in her hands. "... You kids got any cheap vodka?"

"God, I wish," Akira said.         


	12. Chapter 12

“You jerks are lucky I have so many laptops,” Futaba muttered, as they all sat on the bus very deliberately not talking to each other for the last twenty minutes. 

“You’d have more if you didn’t insist on ruining our lives,” Haru said, without looking at her.

“Nobody pities you, kid,” Ryuji said, also not looking.

“You brought this on yourself when you bought that movie and dragged us all to Hell with you,” Makoto said flatly, looking anywhere _but_ Futaba.

“I hate you,” Ann said. She looked. She _glared_. Her eyes could have burned through steel.  “I wish I could hate you to death.” 

“Akiraaaaaaaaaaaaa, they’re being meeeeeeeeeeean,” Futaba whimpered, putting on her best puppy-dog-pout.

“Yeah, well, you deserve it.”

“… You guys are _asses_. Just because I force you all to do what I want, and I hacked all your e-mails and social media accounts and put trackers on your phones and video-tape you all while you’re sleeping, you all act like I’m a bad person!” Futaba protested.

“That is almost literally the definition of a bad person!” Akira snapped. 

“I don’t follow you.”

“Everyone, have we considered Futaba might be a sociopath? We may need to consider she’s a sociopath,” Morgana chimed in. “Self-obsession, not good with people, a total lack of empathy…” 

“I _have_ empathy. I just save it for things that aren’t as important as the underappreciated art of the porn industry,” Futaba said with the dignified sniff of a lady surrounded by thugs.  “I mean, I was a phantom thief, so you know I care about social justice an’ lame shit like that. It’s just not as important as a really good porn in this day and age.” 

“So not a sociopath. Just really weird,” Akira said. 

“I dunno, that might be faked. A lot of sociopaths are good actors because of their incredible ability to lie, and Futaba has been lying to us all day about this movie not being the worst thing on the face of the Earth,” Morgana said proudly.  “I’ve been reading a lot. It helps to pass the time when you don’t have someone to carry you around in a backpack.”  

“Good for you! Self-improvement is key to a well-rounded life.”

“You _guys_ are all _dicks_. Well, I’m cutting you off. See how you all do without me,” Futaba muttered, moving to the back of the bus. 

“Futaba, we’re the only ones on the bus. We can all still see you,” Makoto said. 

“And you hate to travel anywhere alone, so if you tried to leave you would probably be unable to get home,” Yusuke said. 

“An’ I don’t think you have any money, so can you even get back to the city?” Ryuji asked.

“Hsssssssssssssssssssssssssss!’ Ann said.

“Actually, you know what, it might be safer if you stayed back there. I think Ann might be slipping back into a feral mood.” 

“Next stop, Porurando station,” the bus driver said, his tone a little bit sad and dead. “Please… please tell me that all of you are getting off there? You kids kind of scare me.” 

“Oh, don’t worry,” Haru said sweetly. “There are people in this lovely little hamlet who should be _far_ more frightened of us than you are.”

“… _Why do you think that sounds reassuring?!”_

* * *

 

Porurando was not a nice village; the streets were unpaved, the buildings were in disrepair, the only stores they had seen all sold sex toys or liquor, and everything smelled vaguely of bad cheese. Strangely, the group found this reassuring on some level: it was _exactly_ the sort of place you would expect to be the root location of the sleaziest thing that had ever been created.  It would be surprising if most of the population _weren’t_ prostitutes of some sort. 

“So, this is the street that crazy rat-eating girl gave us. At the end of this road, we find our destiny,” Futaba said. 

“Please don’t try to sound dramatic about it? There’s only like six streets in the whole town, I think we could have found the right house in an hour even if we just used trial and error,” Makoto pointed out. “And… you know, I haven’t seen anywhere that sells _food_. Just weird sex shops. What is _wrong_ with this place?”

“Everything is wrong, Makoto. Every single thing is wrong,” Ann said, softly. “We are in the maw of pure evil. We stand in the Devil’s house and he is _making us lunch_.”

“… What does that even _mean_?” Ryuji asked.

“Hsssssssssssssss!”

“Ryuji, I think you should avoid asking her questions. She’s having a bad day,” Morgana said delicately.  “It seems to have created a second personality in her mind that’s just some kind of angry cat monster. Interact with it too much and I’m starting to worry she might literally kill and eat us.” 

“I guess you _would_ know about being a cat monster.” 

“I hate you too, buddy.” 

“Everyone, _silence_ ,” Yusuke said, his tone unusually firm.  “We have arrived at the black hole of the artistic world.” 

“All right!” Futaba said gleefully, setting up a laptop that, honestly, nobody was quite sure where she had been keeping it.  “I’m sure they have a security system; all evil lairs do. I’m going to hack their security company and, once I get into their database and steal all their financial data, I can pretend to be the owner of the house requesting a remote unlock. Then, all I need to do is get on the dark web and hire some professional assassins to kill the person who handles the ticket, in order to cover our tracks, and…“

Akira stepped up to the door and turned the knob. It was unlocked. 

“… _Why_ won’t you people let me do anything awesome?” Futaba whined.

“ _Why_ do you keep trying to hire illegal dark web murderers to solve minor problems?” Akira countered.

“Because _that’s the awesomest thing I can do."_

* * *

 

 Haru had dubbed it the Porn House, and honestly that was acceptable to pretty much everyone. 

There was no furniture other than three beds, a couch large enough for fucking, and a kitchen table that had what appeared to be a permanent butt mark in the center of it from when _someone_ had gotten drilled on top of it for just _slightly_ too long. There were not any chairs around the table. Nobody would ever eat a sandwich on this table. This was a _sex table._

“Okay. Nobody touch _anything_.  I can _smell_ the disease in here,” Akira said.  “Look for any clues that might lead to the… _abominations_ that made this place their den. Documents. Original film. Any computers, obviously, that’s the only reason we even keep Futaba here…” 

“Also, my cuteness!” Futaba said. 

“Futaba, we need you to never talk again.”

“But my _sassy dialogue_.” 

“ _HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!_ ” Ann said.

“Fine, I won’t talk, but _only_ because Evil Ann asked.”

* * *

 

The group split up, trying very hard not to breathe and not making a whole lot of progress just because everything felt slightly _too sticky_ to be in contact with it for long, but eventually Makoto went out and returned with some sticks they could use to poke the more terrible parts of it. The sticks were already dead, so they didn’t feel too bad about exposing them to every form of STD known to man or God.

“Okay, everyone. Report!” Akira said after the longest half-hour in the history of the universe.

“I found like sixty used condoms. If it’s okay with you, I’m gonna go outside and throw up,” Ryuji said. 

“Permission granted.” 

“I think I found a couch that was probably used for _sexualness_ ,” Haru said cheerfully. “I took it outside and set it on fire.” 

“Very nice, but not really why we’re here. Ann?”   
  
“HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.”

“Okay, Ann’s not in right now. Yusuke?”

“He’s painting one of the sex beds,” Makoto said.  “Said he’s titling it ‘The Genesis of Bacteria.’”

“Of course he is. Makoto, _please_ tell me you found something of value? You’re… you’re literally the only person I can rely on,” Akira said, his tone pleading and desperate.

“Hey, you can rely on me!” Morgana protested.

“Did you find anything?”

“I found a bunch of used condoms and moved them all so Ryuji would find them and get sick,” Morgana said proudly. “Luckily as a cat I’m used to awful smelling places, so I don’t mind these terrible sex dungeons you keep finding.”

“… Makoto, once again, I can _only rely on you_.”

“I…” Makoto sighed. “I don’t want to say it. It will make Futaba happy.”

“Oh no. What. What _happened_ ,” Akira said, his blood freezing in his veins. 

“I found…” she sighed.  “I searched the attic and I found another weird off-brand ‘shdigital’ camera. I managed to get the ‘shSD’ card out before it melted.”

Akira winced. “Oh. Another ‘director’s cut’ edition, great.  Futaba _will_ be happy, the twisted little goblin.  And we’re all going to _suffer_ because of her… her…” he paused.  “Oh crap, where _is_ Futaba?”

“Okay, guys, I finished setting up the porn TV! You can all come in to watch now!” Futaba cheered from the main room. “And it doesn’t even matter if you smash this TV, because it isn’t mine! It’s a win-win!”

Akira and Makoto sighed together with the eternal pain of the disrespected den mothers they were.  “She has a weird definition of ‘win.’”

* * *

 

“Okay, kids.  Before we start unaccountably torturing ourselves, we need to chat,” Akira said as the gang gathered around the surprisingly large TV (Futaba had cheerfully explained it was for ‘recursive porn,’ to let some porn play _during_ the porn to give the characters an excuse to become unbearably aroused and fuck a stranger.  She sounded unaccountably proud of being able to guess this).  “First, we’re technically trespassing, and when someone gets furious and smashes the TV, we have to get out of here fast. I doubt the neighbors will ever physically enter this home, but they might block all the doors and light it on fire to clear out the evil.”

“Ann-chan and I were planning to do that after we leave anyway,” Haru said.

“It’s the only way I can regain some control of my life!” Ann added. 

“Well, be safe and don’t leave any fingerprints on the accelerant container,” Akira said, nodding his approval.  “Second, we’re on our _second_ death of the movie.  I can only assume more are coming.  So, we are going to need someone to deliver this footage to the police.”

“No!” they all shouted in unison; most of them out of disgust, Futaba out of horror as she cradled the terrible off-brand data card holding the second half of her beloved director’s cut. 

“I don’t want this either, dammit!  You think the thought of this movie being seen by other humans makes me _happy_?” Akira snapped. “The rest of you got to stay anonymous, but _everyone knows I was Joker._ They will _know that is me on there_ , forgetting every third line and not knowing how to read as he fucks his way through a succession of sociopaths! But I accept that we are in _over our heads_. This… _thing…_ needs to be professionally examined. It’s evidence in a murder at this point.”

“Yeah, but only for Haru’s dad!” Ryuji said.  “Nobody even liked him in _real life_ , much less the fake porn version of him.” 

“A- _HEM_ ,” Haru said, cradling her axe meaningfully. 

“Oh, drop it. You can’t scare someone who has no reason to live, and any of us would welcome death at this point if it meant we didn’t have to deal with this fucking movie anymore,” Ryuji said. “So, I’m just gonna say it: Your dad was a _prick,_ Haru.”

Haru sighed sadly. “He was.”

“Okay, everyone! Are you ready for more Director’s Cut amazingness?!” Futaba squealed, hooking up her third emergency laptop to the TV’s HDMI port and _clearly_ not paying attention to anything else around her at this point.

“Go to Hell, Futaba.”

“Taking that as a yes!” she said, pressing play with a huge grin.   

“ _Yes, it is I, special detective Shgoro Shakechi!  I am universally famous, brilliant, and alive!”_ Shakechi said, as the movie began to roll once more, and the sun got a little darker outside. 

“Well, at least it’s not somebody in the room this time. And nobody has had sex with Shyusuke’s corpse, yet, so we can assume that nobody will…” Makoto began. 

 _“But wait!  You are! A detective! And we are! Thieves!”_ Shakira said.  _“You must!  Prove! … Line!”_

 _“Hahahha… well, as a sexual detective, the only way I can prove my loyalty is by offering you my virgin booty as a sacrifice to you!”_ Shakechi declared, the strings holding up his corpse lowering him to the ground in a face-down position. “ _All of you may give the buttsex unto my tight, tight ass, and in so doing I will prove myself a loyal member of your team. That is how detectives operate in the gritty world of crime and punishment that is our lives.”_

Makoto winced. “God, why do I say things.” 

“ _I’M JUST GONNA SAY I’M NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THIS!”_ Shryuji said.  _“FIRST OF ALL, ANAL REALLY ISN’T PART OF MY SKILLSET, I’M PRETTY EXCLUSIVELY CENTERED ON SUCKING DICKS. I CAN TRY, IT MIGHT LOOK GOOD ON MY RESUME TO BRANCH OUT, BUT HONESTLY, I DON’T FEEL LIKE I’LL BE BRINGING MY A-GAME. ALSO, THAT’S A DEAD PERSON.”_

_“For fuck’s sake, you idiot, stop going off-script! It’s not like none of you have ever had to bang a corpse before, this is the porn industry.”_

_“I’ve actually never done that either,”_ Shmakoto chimed in.  “ _I… don’t think it’s legal.”_

 _“I’m just going to say it, man, I do_ not _think you’re a real director.  Are you sure you’ve worked in this industry before?”_ Shakira asked. “ _Because this is my seventh movie, and I have never had anyone die on-set before.”_

 _“Of course, I’ve worked in porn before, you ignorant sluts. I mean, yes, I’ve never_ finished _a movie that was sold for money before. Or even posted any shorts online. But that wasn’t my fault! That was just because the actors kept dying before shooting was finished. But I’m not letting that stop me this time, don’t you worry about that!”_

 _“WELL NOW I’M WORRYING MORE THAN EVER, SO_.”  

_“Cette nouvelle maison a besoin d'un défroisseur à tapis. Avez-vous un tapis à vapeur? Nous devrions en avoir un. Faire cuire les tapis à la vapeur,”_ Shann said.

“ _You hear that? Why can’t you disgusting whore-slaves be more like Shann here? **She**_ _has nothing but respect for me.”_

 _“Are… are you **sure** about that?” _Shmakoto asked,

“ _Of course! She’s **foreign**_ **,** _she understands **quality.”**_

 _"La chèvre a fait caca. Je ne vais pas nettoyer ça. Je ne nettoie pas la merde."_ Shann said. 

“ _See? Brilliant actress. She has a lot of potential.”_

_“She can’t speak Japanese, though. And she keeps stopping to scrub the floors. And… you know, I don’t think she’s actually had any scenes?”_

“ _Yeah, well, you’re illiterate.”_

 _“WHY DO YOU ALL INSIST ON DEMEANING MY INTELLECT?!  I WOULD BE ABLE TO READ IF I HADN’T BEEN RAISED ON A BEET FARM, FAR AWAY FROM ALL THE SCHOOLS! FEEL GUILTY **NOW** , YOU BASTARDS?!” _ Shakira screamed, bursting into tears as he ran off the set.

“ _Goddamn drama queens. You people aren’t even real actors, you don’t get to be divas or have feelings,”_ Shmorgana snapped. _“Someone go get him! The rest of you, cut while we get the corpse lubed up, so you can all have sex with it.”_  

 “It’s too much to hope he won’t be back, huh?” Akira asked. “No, no. He’ll be back, because good things don’t happen.”

“On the plus side, New Shann is still better than Old Shann,” Ann said. “I think I can keep my sanity for long stretches of HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS sorry.  It comes out from time to time. I think I’ll be fine when I can cleanse my soul with blood.” 

“My _dead father_ is strung up like _Pinocchio_ to be _sodomized by idiots_ ,” Haru hissed, every muscle in her body seeming to literally vibrate with rage.

Ryuji cleared his throat. “I mean, technically Pinocchio didn’t _have_ any strings, so-”

“ _THAT REALLY ISN’T THE POINT, RYUJI!”_ she shrieked. 

Ryuji blinked. “But he doesn’t. I mean, nothing’s gonna change _that_ , it’s an old story…”  

“What are you doing?!” Akira snapped, pulling Ryuji back from Haru, who was turning slightly blue, her hands making strange gripping motions as though she _really, really_ wanted there to be a neck in them.

“I… I… bro, I think I really _can’t_ be afraid anymore,” Ryuji said, blinking in confusion.  “I thought I was bullshitting before, but I’m really not scared a’ Haru snapping my spine. I think I’m just all out of negative emotions. I didn’t even get angry about Shryuji sucking dicks. I’m just… numb.” 

“Oh God…” Akira muttered. “Guys, we _need_ to stop the movie. This was how Ann started, and now she’s gone feral! We’re losing another one!”

“Leave him!” Haru snapped.  “If he’s not strong enough, he must be _abandoned_.”

“HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!” Ann said.  “Sorry, I really can’t stop doing that. I think I need a psychiatrist.”

“What we do, we do for art, Akira. We must continue watching the play until the end, or none of us will ever truly be able to appreciate fine set design again,” Yusuke said, not directly looking at anyone and trying to pretend he wasn’t sketching something.  Or maybe he wasn’t pretending, and just was choosing to sketch behind his back. It was hard to tell with him.

“Eh, it’s just Ryuji,” Morgana said, licking his paw.   

“Like, you people seem to keep forgetting that I’m not gonna let you stop,” Futaba said mildly. “You know. Blackmail. It was a thing.” 

“I’m sorry, Akira. I know he was your first friend in Tokyo, but we all knew the risks when we started this venture,” Makoto said.  “We have murderers to catch. If we stop now, then we went through all this pain for nothing.  I know this is the hardest thing we’ve ever done…”

“For Christ’s sake, it’s just a porn! We _fought God,_ you fucking drama queens,” Futaba muttered.

“ _This is worse, Futaba_. But we will make it to the end. Together,” Makoto snapped, putting her hand on Akira’s shoulder supportively.  “Nothing they do can break us!”

“ _Oh, hey, once you get it lubed up, sodomizing this corpse isn’t so bad,_ ” Shmakoto said. 

 _“Stick to the script, dammit! We have to edit out every sentence that has ‘corpse’ in it!”_ Shmorgana declared. 

Makoto’s eye twitched, and her grip on Akira’s shoulder went from a supportive pat to a vice-like deathgrip that made his bones crack slightly.  “Nothing. It does. Will break us,” she muttered, her tone making it clear it was herself she was really trying to convince of that.

“HSSSSSSSSSSSSS!” Ann said. 

The team watched, then. They watched in silence as Shakira returned, and the group of monsters on the screen, minus Shann (who was busy cleaning up all the lube and muttering her disdain in French) and Shmorgana (who was eating Shakira’s underwear) took turns engaging in terrible, terrible sexual relations with the corpse.  Details shall not be provided here. There were _sounds_ , sounds that none of them would ever forget. People… _said things_. And made _motions_.  There was _so much lube._ It could not be expressed in words, but if it could, the word would be "SHPLORRRHCCHHHLERRRRGLE."   

Haru did not destroy the television, but one got the impression it was because allowing her mind to go blank and reflexively squeezing the haft of her axe so hard it was crushed into splinters in her grasp was the only coping method she had.      

“ _Well!  Now that we’ve all engaged in the sex, I think we can say Shakechi is perfectly loyal!”_ Shakira said.

 _“I, the magic dog, also sexed him! You just didn’t see it!”_ Shmorgana’s voice said, as the actual Shmorgana fought Shryuji over what little uneaten was left of his assless chaps. 

 _“Yes, that happened!”_ Shmakoto said. “ _So now, we can finally use our sex magic to fight the prosecutor who is out to get us!_ ”

“Just for the sake of our sanity, I think we should point out that nobody ever actually explained why there was a prosecutor out to get them,” Akira said, his tone dull and empty.  “In point of fact, while they _have_ committed many, _many_ crimes, I don’t think any of them were actually in the script.” 

“Which is why it’s not a snuff film!” Futaba declared triumphantly.

“Futaba, shut the Hell up.” 

“ _But will you be truly happy when I reveal that prosecutor is… your sister?!”_ Shgoro declared madly, his limbs twitching slightly as the strings he was tied on got slightly tangled with each other.  

“ _Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”_ Shmakoto screamed at the top of his lungs (which was still somehow quieter than every line Shryuji had said the entire movie).  “ _My darling sister, what have you done?!  Has not my manly wang provided enough love unto you?! Has not my tongue teased your clitoris to your satisfaction?! Though we have engaged in vast, **vast** amounts of incest, I, Makoto Nijima, am somehow insufficient to keep you from turning to the path of evil?!” _

“I’m just… going to sit in the corner and sob for awhile, if that’s okay with everyone?” Makoto asked.

“Nobody blames you,” Morgana said sadly, patting her somewhat awkwardly on the shin in solidarity.

“ _I am! Sorry my friend!”_ Shakira said, as Makoto started sobbing brokenly against the wall. “ _But Shakechi is the most loyal of! Friends! And so, our only option is to sexual thief! Your beloved sister!”_

 _“DON’T WORRY!  EVEN THOUGH SHE’S A WOMAN, I CAN STILL DO THE SEXINGS!”_ Shryuji shouted supportively.  _“THOUGH I WON’T BE AT MY BEST WITHOUT A BIG THICK SCHLONG TO SUCK ON!”_

“Why am I not angry at him anymore?” Ryuji asked, sounding very lost. “I hated him so much, and now it’s just… gone. And there’s nothing there to replace it. I’m _empty_.”

“Don’t worry. The rage comes back, and when it does, it’s the _only thing you can feel_. It’s so refreshing!” Ann said. “HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! … Well, you know, other than the times when I black out and that happens. Then it’s just like… a black pit lined with red? And I hear screaming in my brain sometimes.”

“ _All right, everyone.  It’s time for us, as heroes, to pin down a public servant and gangbang her until she’s nice again!”_ Shmorgana said. 

“ _Yes! That is the moral!  Thing to do!”_ Shakira agreed. 

“ _Incest can only lead to good things! I believe that with sufficient sexing, I will be able to erase my sister’s brain! After all, I **am** the prince of all werewolves,_” Shmakoto said.

 _“Stick! To! The! Script!”_ Shmorgana screamed.

 ** _“Racist!_** ”

“I think I get what you mean, Ann. I hear screaming in my brain every time this movie moves forward another horrible second,” Haru said. “Is it not over _yet_? We’ve been watching since the dawn of time.” 

“We’re close, you babies,” Futaba snapped. “And hey, it’s not like we haven’t accomplished something here. We’re hot on the trail of these… these _mad geniuses_.  Though they have created something _brilliant_ , they have done it while disrespecting us, and despite how beautiful they are we have to… to… stop them, those _wonderful evil monsters!_ ”

“They made me a dog, Futaba. And then a goat. There’s nothing wonderful about them,” Morgana said. 

“ _Why can’t you people see the tragedy here?!”_

“Futaba, we know you’re just angry they cut you out.”

“ _Yes! And **that’s tragic!** ” _Futaba shrieked.  “To be _spurned_ by an artist I dedicated so much love and affection to!  Can’t you understand how I feel?!”

A paintbrush slammed into the wall next to her head, hard enough that the handle embedded itself in the wood. 

“I believe I have stated more than once that I do not appreciate the word ‘artist’ being brought anywhere near this… _thing_ ,” Yusuke said as Futaba made a kind of whimpering sound. “Please do not do it again.” 

“Huh. Was _Yusuke_ the scary one all along?” Morgana whispered, after jumping up to perch on Akira’s shoulder. “I know we thought it was one of the girls, but…”

“He _is_ literally insane,” Akira whispered back.  “But I think Makoto is still scarier.”

 _“Why?! Whyyyyy?!”_ Makoto wailed, between sobs of utter despair.

“… You know, usually.” 

“I think a lot of our team might be ‘the scary one,’ huh.” 

“When the literal cat-spirit from the mind-realm is one of the less worrisome ones, yeah, you have an issue.” 

“ _Bwahahahahahahaha!”_ said the movie, dragging them back to painful reality. “ _So, you have all finally found your way to my BDSM casino!”_

“Oh, dear. Makoto, you may want to cover your ears,” Haru said, wincing. “This is going to be….” 

“ _Here is the place where I, as an adult, torture and kill teenagers for fun, as all adults do!”_ Shsae, dressed as the dominatrix from Hell, declared as she brandished a spiked whip and laughed madly.  “ _For you see, it is widely known that all adults, **ALL ADULTS** , secretly despise the sexual freedom of teens and wish to rape, torture, and kill them!  That is the overarching message of this story!”  _

“… Now, I’m certainly not a writer, but I feel like most authors would suggest you are supposed to be subtler about communicating your themes,” Yusuke said.   

“Yusuke, I think we’re _all_ past the point of expecting anything subtle from this story,” Ann said sadly. “HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! God, I’m sorry. I swear, it’s like the hiccups or something.”

“ _Well guess what! You!”_ Shakira declared.  “ _We! Will stop! Your! Thing! Line, dammit!”_

“My God his acting gets _worse_ as this goes on,” Akira said. “He started at zero skill and has tunneled down until he hit the fucking core of the earth.”   

“At least he isn’t a serial killer like mine was?” Haru offered.

“Thanks, Haru. You always know just how to cheer a guy up.”

“ _My sister! How could you turn against me in such a way, after all the incest I gave you?!”_ Shmakoto declared bravely. 

“ _Bwahahahahaaha! That was all a trick, because I’ve secretly been evil all along! In fact, I hate incest and all forms of teenage sexuality!”_ Shsae cackled. 

“ _But what about Justice?!”_ Shakechi asked, rotting.  _“Were we not close friends and co-workers who did everything together, including justice sex?!”_

_“I don’t even like justice!”_

_“GASP!”_ all of the sexual thieves said, except Shann, who was wiping up a spot on the floor. 

“So, just to confirm I’m not totally insane,” Akira asked.  “’Shakechi’ and ‘Shsae’ have never had a scene together, right?” 

“Maybe they like, interacted off-screen,” Futaba said defensively.

“Futaba, that’s lazy writing and you damn well know it.”

“Look, you can’t expect them to cover every detail on-screen!  It’s a porn, not _Game of Thrones!”_

“Tell that to Original Shann,” Haru said.  “I miss her, she really brought life to the production.”

“Didn’t you mindlessly hate her?” Ryuji asked.

“And hate is a _form_ of life, Sakomoto-kun.” 

“ _Well! There’s only one! Option!”_ Shakira declared.  “ _We must! Sexual thief!”_

 _“Hooray!”_ the two corpses hanging from the ceiling said as they twitched erotically. 

“ _Come, Shakechi! As my best friend who has always been by my side, only you can help me double-team my sister!”_ Shmakoto said. 

“… _Wait, wait, wait, is he_ dead _?”_ Shsae asked.  “ _Is…”_

 _“God, not again. Stick to the script, you hacks!  You’re killing my vision with every idiot delay!”_ Shmorgana snarled.

“ _But in the script he was_ alive _, man. My contract specifically says no dead dudes,”_ Shsae said flatly, tapping her foot impatiently.

“ _Everyone else fucked the corpse, you can take one for the team.”_    

“ _My. Contract. Says. No. And it is_ ironclad _,”_ Shsae said. _“You think this is my first rodeo?  No dead dudes, no animals, no tentacles, and no hobos dressed as Santa Claus. You make me break my contract, and I’ll sue you for every yen you have in your cheap-ass pockets from cutting the production values on this thing down to below a school play.”_

“… Wait, hobos dressed as Santa? Is… is that a thing in porn?” Makoto asked.

“Oh, honey, I have so many websites to show you,” Futaba said with a terrible, terrible grin. 

“Right, never spending time alone with Futaba ever again. Got it.” 

“ _Dammit… fine. Fine!  You’re all content to destroy my life’s work, fine! Just have normal, ordinary sex with living humans!  Why should we even try to make art?! Let’s just do what everyone else does!”_ Shmorgana’s voice snarled, while the actual Shmorgana had fallen asleep under the craft services table. “ _Okay, start rolling again and… I don’t know, move the corpses over near the goat. She’s just going to have a_ normal _gangbang because she’s a_ fucking diva _.”_

 _“Boss, I keep tellin’ ya, I can’t_ stop _rolling! These cheap cameras you keep buying don’t really turn off. And this one keeps sending out spam e-mails somehow. I don’t think it even has wi-fi.”_

Haru sniffed, wiping away a tear of joy. “I really like this cameraman. He’s the one shining bit of joy in this hideous nightmare. When I kill everyone who made this movie, and Futaba, he will be spared.”   

“I swear, y’all are a bunch of drama queens. There’s not even any tentacle monsters or bestiality,” Futaba muttered.

“They fucked a dog like six times!” Akira snapped.

“Okay, fine, _minimal amounts_ of bestiality.” 

“A ‘minimal amount’ of bestiality is _none,”_ Makoto hissed.  “And not coincidentally, this is also the only _acceptable_ amount of bestiality.” 

“Prudes.”

 _“Okay, you filthy whores. If you’re done ruining my life for ten minutes, it’s time for the big incest gangbang. All of you have to be sure to explain that you have metaphysically_ become _siblings for the purposes of this scene, got it_?” Schmorgana said. “ _Remember, the only way to fix her mind is with as much incest as possible! Her secret inner sadness is that she envies teenagers for all the incest they have!”_

 _“You know, boss, I don’t think you actually understand teenagers that well,”_ the cameraman said. 

“ _DID I ASK YOUR OPINION, VIDEO MONKEY?!”_

_“Just there’s some teenagers in my apartment complex, and none of ‘em are fucking their sister. Or a dog. Least I don’t think so.”_

_“That’s because **society** is **oppressing** them! That’s the entire genius point hidden in what might appear to be a porn, at first glance! You insipid slackjawed junk-sluts might think this is just a random sex pic, but we’re making a statement about society just like the real Phantom Thieves (although I have to specify that while we might be inspired by them, we are a legally distinct entity, copyright 2018 to DumCumster Pictures)! We’re going to open the eyes of the world!” _

“I’m going to open _his_ eyes. With a chainsaw,” Ryuji snarled. “ _Hssssssssssssss…”_

“Hey, guys, Ryuji got his emotions back!” Haru cheered. “Ann, you have a friend who can really understand you again, isn’t that great?”

“HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!”

“She’s happy.”

 _“Oh! Oh, the incest!  I forgot how much incest is great!  All of you are so sexy it’s like you’re all my brothers!”_ Shsae squealed blissfully in between mouthfuls of things nobody wanted to think about, normal (well, ‘normal’) filming having apparently restarted.

“ _The power of Sexual Thievery can turn any sex into incest!”_ Shmakoto declared, plowing his sister from one direction, whilst the other two boys took up assorted other positions, though probably not good ones. Shryuji was going for an ear. “ _Even though I am a werewolf, I can still find love as long as I have a sister to-“_

“ _THE SCRIPT! STICK TO IT!”_ Shmorgana shrieked.

“ _You are all **racists!** ” _Shmakoto screamed, pulling out of both his sister and the scene as he ran off the set, making what was probably supposed to be a howling noise but sounded a little bit more like an accordion being violently ill.  

 _“Fuck him, we’ll edit that out in post! Both of you, just keep plowing her and talking about brotherhood!_ ” Shmorgana declared as Shryuji dropped to his knees obligingly between Shsae’s legs to fill up the empty space.  “ _That’s good, that’s good… zoom in, and… cum shot… aaaaaaaaaand… BIG BETRAYAL SCENE, NOW!”_

A loud crack echoed across the set, causing everyone who was still alive to jump halfway out of their skin, even Shmorgana the goat, who had been pretty chill up until then. Shakira fell out of Shsae’s mouth, spinning to the ground and screaming bloody murder as he clutched his shoulder, which was bleeding profusely through his fingers in a way that looked _distressingly real,_ as the blood so often _did_ in this particular _film._

 _“Hahahahaha!”_ Shakechi said. “ _I am secretly the traitor, working for the filthy adults, and my father is actually your sexual nemesis! Go Japan!”_

 _“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, YOU ACTUALLY SHOT ME! YOU ACTUALLY SHOT ME! SOMEONE CALL A FUCKING AMBULANCE, I’M BLEEDING! HOLY SHIT, OH GOD, OH GOD…”_ Shakira screamed, twitching pitifully on the floor between anguished animal-like wails not _terribly_ unlike Shmakoto’s ‘wolf howls.’ The other man poked his head back on-set hopefully, perhaps seeking acceptance of his unique lifestyle.

Akira reached out and paused the playback. “So. Futaba. About them not ‘technically commiting’ any crimes.”

“… … … … I… choose to believe that… this was just… you know. Really _strong_ method acting,” Futaba said, her tone dripping with wounded dignity.


	13. Chapter 13

“So. I think we could all use a break. Before we continue…” Makoto began.

“I really appreciate that you aren’t fighting that anymore!” Futaba said cheerfully.

“Shut up, Futaba. Anyway, as I was saying, I think I may have an idea to track this further.  You know how most of the sets are just a prison laundry room or a roach-infested sex dungeon, right?” Makoto asked.

“That’s to save money! Everyone does it!” Futaba protested.

“Shut _up_ , Futaba!” Ann said. “But yeah, I think I get where you’re going, Makoto. That… sigh… ‘BDSM Casino’ was a little more elaborate than usual, right? It looked like an actual building that was used for something other than orgies or ritual Satanism. HSSSSSSS!”

“Thanks, Ann.  Yes, there were some hints; it had two actual slot machines, working lights, and a carpet.  That’s _way_ outside the movie’s usual budget,” Makoto declared.  “I think it may be an actual casino, albeit a really shitty one.”

Ryuji grinned in comprehension. “So that means they must have let these people film there, and if we can find it, we can torture the owner until he tells us why he allowed this horrible thing to exist and where they went next!”

Makoto coughed. “Erm, I was actually gonna say we could _ask_ him who they really were.”

“I think I’d rather torture him, honestly,” Ryuji said, fist-bumping Ann with the solidarity of those who have been stripped down to their most primal core of animal rage. 

“Well, whatever we do, this is good. If we can get a _real name_ for that sociopath director from one of his real-life business partners, we’ve already won,” Akira said. “We can hunt down his current location, get him arrested for… for just _all of this_ , and throw this movie into a dumpster fire without having to watch the rest of it.”

“But it just hit the big plot twist! Who could have guessed Shakechi would turn out to be a traitor after all his loyal buttsex?! We _gotta_ see what happens next!” Futaba protested.

“ ** _Shut up_** , Futaba!”

“I will _not!_ Unlike you… _Philistines_ , I am defending our country’s cultural heritage and pursuing the end of a story that has really spoken to all of our _souls_. I _have_ to know what happens next!” 

“It’s based on our real fucking lives! You already know what happens next!” Ryuji snarled.  “Akira isn’t really dead, we spend six hours on a cruise ship being turned into mice, six more hours fighting Shido…”

“God that fight really _was_ too long,” Haru muttered.

“… and then it turns out in the end the real villain is like, robot God or something.  This is not a _surprise_ to you! You lived it!”    

“Yeah, but in our real lives did Akira ever get sexually dominated by Shido ten times in a barn while Ryuji sucks off a handsome male Makoto? That’s a crucial difference and something I have to see for myself. Maybe a few times, if the camerawork is hot,” Futaba said proudly. “I’m a patron of fine works.”   

“You remember how I used to consider you family?” Akira asked.  “Yeah, that feeling has passed really hard.”

“You’re a bunch of prudes,” Futaba muttered. “Well, guess what, jerks? Still holding you hostage. Let’s keep watching the movie!”

“So, have we considered killing Futaba?” Ann asked.

“Every second for the last half a day,” Ryuji said. 

“In her defense…” Makoto began.

“Be _very careful_ how you finish that sentence, Makoto,” Haru said, softly.

“… we don’t know what casino that was. It’s our only lead, and if we keep watching, we might be able to find a clue.”

“Hssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss…” Ann said. “Sorry. Yeah, she has a point. We really do need to get our online accounts back, honestly.  I feel like I’m going to need a credit card for when I get therapy to stop myself hissing all the time.” 

“I still think you’re making that up,” Futaba muttered.

“HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!” Ann replied.

“Okay, press the stupid button and let’s see what these people have done to themselves this time,” Akira said. “Everyone, try to work out the name of the casino. It has to be written down somewhere, though I’m fairly sure that they don’t want to be associated with these sick fucks anymore than they have to be, so it will be covered up a lot of the time.” 

“HSSSSSSSSSSSSS!”

“And make sure if Ann lunges to kill Futaba, please catch her.” 

Morgana chimed in, “That was Ryuji, actually!” 

“… You hiss like a girl, bro,” Akira said. “All right, play.”

“ _OH GOD! OH GOD, I’M BLEEDING TO DEATH! YOU SHOT ME, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU SHOOT ME YOU FUCKING LUNATIC?!”_ Shakira screamed.   

“Yeah, that’s about what I remember,” Haru said.  

“ _Hehehehehehe, cut, cut!”_ Shmorgana’s voice cheered (the goat itself had run away to hide from the gunshot, which was okay because all of the actors had too). “ _Finally, one of you damn hacks have stuck to my vision. The betrayal scene was **perfect**! Though the seemingly loyal sexual detective pledged his loyalty with anal sex, he was but a snake in the garden of Eden all along! Now, the sexual thieves are scattered and they have lost their leader!  Our audience will be gasping in wonder and glee from such an unforeseen twist! They thought it was a porn, but it was-“ _

“ _IT WAS MY FUCKING SHOULDER, YOU STUPID ASS! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SHOOT ME?!”_ Shakira screamed, his face going pale from some combination of blood loss and a rage deeper than anything he had ever before felt in his very limited career as a terrible porn actor (not ‘porn star.’ Never ‘star.’) 

“ _Because for the audience to feel the betrayal, **you** must feel the betrayal. It can’t be acted, it must be **real!** You must suffer along with your character and show our audience: we are not a mere porn, but an epic!” _Shmorgana howled in mad glee.  “ _Now, get everyone back together, and tell them the gun scene is over, so they should all get ready for the scene where they get doused in ranch dressing and spanked by a bunch of people in mouse costumes.”_

“So… so epic,” Haru said, her tone somewhere between ‘sad’ and just ‘dead.’

“ _No! No, you fucking know what?! I’m out! I don’t care if you sue me for breach of contract!”_ Shakira snapped, rising shakily to his feet.  “ _Shann and that dog had the right idea!  I’m too good for this production, and I’m_ leaving _. You’d hear from my lawyer regarding the_ assault _, if I had a lawyer!”_ He then turned, walked five feet, and collapsed from blood loss. 

 _“Um, boss_?” the cameraman said. “ _I know ya don’t really care about… like… people? But we already had two people die on this production, so…”_

_“Fine. Fine! Cut… wait, I said cut awhile ago, why are you still filming?”_

_“The camera! Don’t! Turn! Off!”_

As a blanket was placed over the camera, leaving the screen blank for about twenty minutes while the ambulance took away Shakira.  “I’m starting to think the ‘directors cut’ is even worse than the original version,” Ann said mildly, enjoying the blackness of the screen as it matched the void in her soul. “But, you know, when it gets like this, I can’t hate it too much.” 

“I was really hoping Shakira would die, but at least he’s out of the movie,” Akira said. “Still… I wonder who will replace him?  They’re out of corpses.” 

“Maybe they’ll do what they did for me, and put a cardboard cutout on someone else?” Haru suggested.

“They could find another dog, maybe!” Morgana offered. 

“Kidnap the mailman?” Ryuji asked.

Akira nodded at each, accepting each option as a painful possibility. “I was really being rhetorical, but none of you are _wrong._ At this point, I really wouldn’t be surprised no matter what. Just angry. So… so angry. I will be angry _no matter what_.”

“Yeah, I’m a little pissed too. Replacing the star halfway through is just cruel to the fans who have been following along,” Futaba said. 

“ ** _Shut up, Futaba._** ”

“Oh, you’re right! It’s starting up again,” she squealed, settling down to continue being the only person alive who was having fun.  The blanket was lifted, to reveal…

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” everyone except Akira said, as the filming resumed and the truth became known.

“What do you know? I wasn’t wrong. Angry. So, so angry,” Akira said mildly. So mildly one wouldn’t have even noticed the blood dripping from his palms as he clenched his fists so hard the nails pierced the flesh. 

“Oh. Oh, my,” Haru said between giggles. “I… erm, you look… different… Akira.” 

“B-better than Akechi looks!” Makoto said encouragingly. “… Moderately.” 

“Akechi is a _corpse_ ,” Akira hissed.

“I know! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…”

“If it makes you feel better,” Ann said, chuckling with each syllable, “I have not felt this good since the movie started. You have really saved me here.” 

“He’s closer to you than my ‘actors’ have been?” Morgana added.    

“The mask is very distinguished,” Yusuke said.

“… You know, I expect this from the others, but Yusuke? I thought you were better than this,” Akira said with a sigh.  “Or at least incapable of spotting when to tease someone.”

“I’m learning,” Yusuke said proudly.

On the screen, the new Akira stood proudly. Or, to be more precise, _oozed_ proudly, because he could not, just as he couldn’t in his previous appearance, actually move under his own power.

“ _I can’t tell ya how I proud I am to be back, you guys,”_ Shkaneshiro said, wearing only a thin layer of lube and Shakira’s mask, because it was literally the only article of clothing on the set that could have possibly fit him. “ _I mean, it was already pretty exciting to get to play a mafia boss, but the male lead? This is the kinda role I’ve always dreamed of.”_

“See that, Akira? Live your dreams, buddy,” Futaba said cheerfully, patting him on the shoulder. 

“Futaba I will tear that arm off and make you eat it.” 

“ _I’m really glad you could come back on short notice. We’ve had some… high cast turnover,”_ Shmorgana said. “ _But, that’s all in the past! You’ve read the script, you’re perfectly suited for the role…”_

 _“IS HE, THOUGH?”_ Shryuji asked. _“NOTHING PERSONAL, IT’S JUST I FEEL LIKE PEOPLE ARE GONNA NOTICE THE ACTOR CHANGED. ON ACCOUNT OF YOU LOOK NOTHING LIKE SHAKIRA, AND YOU’RE BIGGER THAN MY CAR.”_

 _“Hey! That is fat-shaming, and I don’t have to take it. I put on this weight proudly, as part of my many roles in sumo fetish porn,”_ Shkaneshiro snapped.

“Okay, _that_ can’t be a thing,” Makoto said. 

Futaba pulled out her phone. “Gimme a second to google, aaaaaaaand…”

“Stop, stop, I’ll take your word for it!” Makoto shrieked, ripping the phone from her hands and throwing it across the room.

“Prude.”

“ _You know, he’s right,”_ Shmakoto said. “ _This movie is about the fight of young people to free their sexuality and accept who they are in the face of an uncaring world.  But here we are, shaming him for his body. And Shakira for his illiteracy. And you for your screaming. And old Shann for not knowing what movie she’s in. And Sharu for being a serial killer.”_

_“YEAH SEE THAT LAST ONE IS KIND OF A THING SHE REALLY SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF, BUT I SEE YOUR POINT! FROM NOW ON, I WILL WORK HARDER TO ACCEPT ALL YOUNG PEOPLE AND THEIR SEXUALITIES!”_

_“Good job, my friend! Now, if you’ll help me get any silver or wolfsbane out of the studio…”_

_“YOU AREN’T A WEREWOLF, MAN.”_

_“ **YOU RACIST FUCKWAD!** ” _Shmakoto shrieked, leaping at Shryuji to begin throttling him.  “ _AWOOOOOOO! AWOOOOOOOO!”_

 _“Ils vont avoir plus de sang sur le sol. Je viens de nettoyer le sol. Pourquoi les gens continuent-ils à avoir du sang sur mon sol? Je devrais facturer un supplément pour ce travail.”_ Shann said.  “ _Vous aurez des nouvelles de l’agence de nettoyage. Ils n'aiment pas avoir à nettoyer autant de sang.”_

“ _Dammit, wage-slaves, stop it! We can’t afford another fatality, especially not after we paid all that money to call an ambulance for that filthy illiterate whorebag Shakira!”_ Shmorgana snarled. 

“ _Callin’ an ambulance is free, boss.”_

“ _You’re the biggest whore of all, camera monkey,_ ” Shmorgana hissed.  “ _All of you, get into position. Big betrayal scene just happened. You’re facing him down in the casino, which it turns out is actually owned by your lethal enemy Shshido, on his shboat. Action!”_

_“I keep sayin’, boss, we never stopped filmin’ in the first pl-“_

_“ACTIOOOOON!”_

_“So, now you know that I am evil, and hate you!”_ Shakechi chuckled madly, as a fly crawled into his ear and out of his nose.  “ _Also, this casino was on a boat_ the entire time! _So don’t question it!”_

 _“Gasp!”_ Shkaneshiro said… or, I guess he’d be Shakira now.  “ _How could you, Shakechi? I thought we had a true bond! A bond of… around level 7, or so? That was so much bonding I thought we were best friends now!”_

 _“Bwahahahahahaha!”_ Shakechi said. “ _Bwahahahaha! BWAHAHAHAHA!”_

_“Oh no! He really is evil!”_

_“Yes, I am! In fact, I am so evil that I will tell you my life story!”_ Shakechi declared. “ _You see, when I was growing up, my mother_ never _had sex with me, thus teaching me that the sexuality of the young was evil!”_

 _“Oh no!”_ Shmakoto said.  “ _But without incest, how can a child grow up properly?”_

“You know, in any other film _ever_ , that question would have been sarcastic,” Makoto said sadly. 

“ _And then, when I learned my father was the famous political Japan leader Shshido, from the United Penis party, I went to finally gain the incest I’d always wanted… but was denied!”_ Shakechi declared. “ _So I chose to become his slave and kill all his enemies!”_

 _“Yes, that makes perfect sense,”_ Shakira said thoughtfully, dripping with lube.  “ _When will the people of this country realize that when you deny the youth the chance to properly explore their sexuality, they will invariably become a mass murdering sociopath?”_

“ _Bwahahahahaha! That’s correct! And now I spend all my time killing and despoiling the youth that never accepted me as one of their own, never gave me all the sexing that I craved, because teenage sexuality is the most important force on the planet!”_

 _“OH GOD, YOU POOR BASTARD! I’M SO SORRY THAT YOU HAVE HAD THE WORST LIFE OF ANY HUMAN IN THE WORLD! WOULD YOU LIKE A BLOWJOB?”_ Shryuji asked. 

“ _I would like… a **murderjob!**_ ” Shakechi declared, his arm twitching on the string to sort of vaguely aim his gun in sort of the right direction.

“ _Everyone!”_ Shakira declared, oozing slightly forward. “ _I think it’s obvious what we have to do!”_

“I think it genuinely is not,” Haru said.

“They’re gonna have sex with the corpse again,” Akira said sadly. “You know it. I know it. Any attempt to disguise it is just unfairly building up our own hopes.” 

“… Dammit.”

“Well, on the bright side, Shakira’s new actor is a lot better than the first one,” Ann offered. “I think he’s gotten all his lines down, and he even brought a mask! The first one kept forgetting it, I think. I mean, when you think about it, Akira, you actually have something to be happy about for once!”

“Ann, they’ve chosen to represent me here with a man that is literally too fat to walk, previously played a yakuza murderer, and is coated in a solid ten gallons of lube.”

“Look, I said he was _better_ , not that he was _good._ ”

“ _Bwahahaahaha! Oh, so you seek to sexual thief me?! But you’ll quickly find it impossible, for I too possess sex magic! Gaze upon my power!”_ Shakechi declared, gesturing grandiosely, or at least _gesturing._ It was hard to get too grandiose when rigor mortis was starting to set in by this point.  “ _Awaken, sexual mice!”_

“Oh. Goodie. The… the best part of Shido’s palace,” Morgana said, as a group of people, both men and women, in mouse costumes (sorta.  They had ears, whiskers, and that was about it) ran onto the set, making vague thrusting motions. “I’m so glad they immortalized it in their own… unique way.” 

“ _Are you ready, sexual thieves?!”_ the lead mouse screamed, making a kind of… gyrating motion.  “ _For if you want to defeat Lord Shshido, you have no choice but to defeat the terrible puzzle of the sex mice!  We will coat you in ranch dressing and… … … … holy shit, are those guys **dead**?”_

_“CUT!  CUT, for… look, why are porn stars so fucking sensitive all of a sudden? Of course there’s a few corpses on set, it’s a **movie.** We didn’t kill them, it was just normal stuff that happens at every filming.”  _

_“I have played a sex mouse in seventeen features, and I have **never** had anyone die on set!” _said a particularly curvy mouse near the back of the group.  “ _I think we all need to get in touch with our rep, guys.”_

_“What?! No, you c-“_

_“Bitch, you don’t tell us what we can do. The sex mice are unionized since 2006, when Takeshi tragically lost his ass in a terrible spanking incident on the set of Backdoor Sluts 27: The Re-Anal-ing,”_ said the lead sex mouse.  “ _You drop us into unsanitary working conditions like this, on a set that clearly isn’t up to code and a production that is shady as all Hell, and we **walk**. You can expect to hear from our lawyer regarding the blatantly deceptive contracts you had us sign, by the way. Sex mice, let’s bounce.”  _

“Huh.  You know, I wasn’t expecting to say this, ever, in my entire life… but I have a sudden newfound respect for the sex mice,” Haru said, as the sex mice proudly strutted away while Shmorgana futilely begged them to return, and the rest of the cast just kind of stood around awkwardly. Except Shakechi and Shyusuke, who rotted awkwardly.  And Sharu, who was a cardboard cutout.

“They have a hard life,” Futaba said, solemnly. “You know the old saying: “When you’re a sex mouse, you’re a sex mouse all the way. From your very first porn, to your last dying day.’”

“That doesn’t sound like a real saying, Futaba.”

“You guys really don’t spend enough time on the interesting parts of the internet.”

“I think you and I have very different definitions of ‘interesting,’ but…” Haru began.  She was cut off before she could finish whatever was meant to come next, however, by Makoto calmly standing up, grabbing a lamp from next to the filthy sex bed, and tossing it into the TV as hard as she could. 

“ _Jesus Christ, Queen! Nothing even happened!”_ Futaba shrieked. “The incest part seems to be done! Hell, Shsae just kinda vanished, and-“

“Which one of you was it?” Makoto growled.

“… Eh?” the gang said, more or less in unison, trying to balance their shock and their joy at another break in the movie, and also vaguely worried about the sparks pouring from the shattered set and if sex lube was flammable. 

“Which. One. Of. You. _Sold us out?!”_ she shrieked.

“Um… Makoto, you…” Akira began, before Makoto’s finger rose up to his lips to shush him.

“I know it wasn’t you, so I’m going to say what I just realized, and then you’re going to be as furious as I am,” Makoto said. “Everyone knows who our targets were. There are people who knew you were Joker, too.  I’ll even allow that someone smart enough could have realized who the rest of us were just from knowing that and studying your personal life. Nothing that’s happened in this movie can’t be explained by the script being written by an observant and thoroughly evil human being.  Until now.

“ _We never told anyone about the mouse thing in Shido’s Palace, Akira._ We never shared _any_ details of the Palaces with any public source. The only people who knew about that are the ones _in this room._ ”

Akira pondered this for a moment. 

He then reached down, grabbed a shard of shattered ceramic from the floor, and brandished it like a dagger while screaming, “ ** _WHICH ONE OF YOU_** **_SOLD US OUT?!_** _”_

Futaba grinned. “Okay, never mind, this suddenly got _way_ more interesting than watching the movie.” 


	14. Chapter 14

“Now, bro,” Ryuji said slowly, “you know we’re a family, man. None of us would sell the team out for anything! We’re closer than blood.” 

“ _Then how the mice, Ryuji?! HOW THE MICE?!”_ Akira shrieked, his voice high-pitched, cracking, and somehow not ridiculous due to the sheer terror it inspired in them all. The makeshift dagger in his hand and the blood running down his fingers from gripping it too tightly definitely helped.  “It could have been any of you! How can I trust you anymore?! I don’t know any of you! Just today I learned Morgana was secretly a dog, Ann was secretly French, and Yusuke was secretly dead!”

“Oh dear. Everyone, I think his mind has finally snapped,” Haru said. 

“ _Gee, ya think?!”_

“He’s been… under a lot of pressure,” Futaba said eloquently.  “So I don’t think we can really blame the movie.” 

“Futaba, I swear to God, if you don’t shut up I will tell him you did it,” Ann said, her eyes very firmly locked on the shard of bloody glass.

“Why wait? It was obviously Futaba,” Ryuji snapped. “Dude, it was Futaba!  She sold us out, go ahead and kill her.” 

“ _The Hell, dude!”_ Futaba shrieked. 

“You’re the one who found this movie and the only one on the entire planet who would ever enjoy it! It has to be you!” Ryuji snapped. 

“Of course it wasn’t her,” Akira hissed.  “If _she_ had been responsible for this atrocity, she’d have been proud of it. She’d have wormed her way into writing the script to make herself the main character, personally hired all the actors, loudly told us about it at every step. We’d all have been chained up in a sticky theater watching the premier showing in HD while she gushed about the stage directions. She might be an awful person, and she’s _definitely_ some kind of dark web criminal overlord, but she didn’t do this.  It had to have been someone who would sell the information without _thinking_ about it… _RYUJI.”_

“W-what?! Bro, you can’t…”

“Makoto would never break the law. Futaba would never do such a bad _job_ of breaking the law.  Morgana can’t talk to humans. Haru doesn’t need the money.  Yusuke doesn’t _realize_ he needs the money,”

“Would anyone else like some sawdust? It is what I have for breakfast in the morning so I can buy paint,” Yusuke said helpfully. 

“That just leaves you and Ann.  And of those two, well, only one of them ever exposed the Phantom Thieves by _loudly screaming about it on the phone while we were all at school._ ” 

“… … … … I mean, _one time_ I did that.”

“Oh my God it _was you_ ,” Ann hissed, stepping back from Ryuji like he was a pool of toxic waste.

“No! I mean, I get that I’m not very… discrete…”

“You’re a screaming moron,” Morgana said helpfully. 

“ _…_ But you know that I would never do shit like sell the team out on purpose!  None of us would! We all had tons of chances to do that for money or power or shit, and none of us ever took it! It _can’t_ have been one of us, it just can’t!” Ryuji said. 

“… ‘on purpose’?” Makoto asked.  “You wouldn’t sell us out ‘on purpose.’  That implies an accident happened, Ryuji.”

“… … … I mean, everybody makes mistakes...”

* * *

****

**_Three months earlier…_ **

Ryuji stood in line at Big Bang Burger, sighing loudly.  “Man, the wait in this place is worse than that time I got turned into a mouse while part of the _Phantom Thieves!”_

“… Go on,” said the man behind him in line, his conspicuous hat and trenchcoat making his features somewhat hard to make out. 

“Like, I know it’s just fast food, but man, the lack of pickles on the Big Bang Blitz #7 combo is _just_ as annoying as that time Goro Akechi betrayed us, right? And…”

* * *

“ _The shit, Ryuji?!”_ Ann shrieked. 

“He seemed nice! And they really don’t put enough pickles on that burger!” Ryuji said.  “Look, the key thing is that this is nobody’s fault.”

“ _THIS IS ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT!”_ Akira snarled. 

“Good job, man,” Futaba said, her voice dripping with glee as she patted Ryuji on the back. “I was wondering how I would work myself out of being hated forever. Turns out the trick is to shine by comparison!” 

“Okay. So. After we kill Ryuji…” Haru began.

“We aren’t really gonna kill Ryuji, right? Right?!” Ryuji asked. 

“Please don’t interrupt, Sakamoto-kun, this doesn’t really concern you.”

“I feel pretty concerned!” 

“Just ignore him. What are we going to do after we kill Ryuji?” Ann asked, sharpening a knife. Nobody asked where she’d gotten it. It was possible knives just kind of appeared around her, now. 

“After that,” Haru continued, shifting her axe from hand to hand to get used to the weight, since she hadn’t needed to chop anyone with it for awhile, “I _may_ know what casino that was in the video.  I wasn’t sure for awhile, since it’s so… ugly and awful? But I remembered a place my ex-fiancee took me once. I didn’t go in with him, and we were only there for about twenty minutes, but the outer ‘décor’ matched the inside, and they seemed the sort of place that would allow a terrible porn to be shot there. It’s called ‘Joji Mashihara’s Illegal Casino and Prostitutorium.’” 

“… Wait, it calls _itself_ an illegal casino?” Makoto asked. “And what is a ‘prostitutorium’? Like… like a gymnasium for prostitutes?”   

Haru sniffed elegantly.  “I did say it was the kind of place my ex would enjoy, remember?  We’re lucky it wasn’t just just called ‘the house of whores and crime.’”      

The group fell silent for a moment, thinking about Haru’s ex. 

“Yeah, he totally would go to a place called the House of Whores and Crime,” Akira admitted.

“I bet he’d have a gold membership there,” Ann added.

“You know, I bet he has a copy of this movie. I bet he _loves_ it. I bet this is the quality of porn he uses _regularly_ , in between the hookers, because he could never attract a woman who liked him for himself,” Makoto said. 

“I wish he was dead, and you’ve only made it worse,” Haru said, nodding in agreement. “But! I do know where it is. And, luckily, I’m rich, so I can arrange to have it bombed.”

“… Wait, what?” Akira asked.

“I can arrange to have a car pick us up and take us there,” Haru said. “What did I say?”

“… … … nothing.”

Everyone took a step away from Haru as she pulled out her cellphone and started dialing, still smiling cheerfully.  Morgana scampered up Akira’s back to perch on his shoulder and whispered, “Should we be worried that the only things keeping us together as a group are terror and blackmail, at this point?”

“ _Shut up_ , she might _hear you_ ,” Akira murmured back to him.

“So that would be a yes, then.”

* * *

 

Haru was, fortunately, very efficient when she was in a bad mood.  The car that arrived within the half-hour was a limo large enough for all of them, albeit one with a giant cheeseburger on top to stop anyone from feeling _too_ happy about riding in it.

“Ooooooooh. I would say this is swanky, but honestly the whole thing smells like fried beef,” Futaba said cheerfully.    

“This vehicle has a snack bar! Quite astonishing,” Yusuke said. “Ah, it seems the only snack in it is old french fries. They are soggy.” He paused. “I’m going to eat them anyway.”

Haru winced.  “Yes. I apologize for all of this. I have been trying to guide the company away from fast food and towards more wholesome products for months, but it is a _complicated_ situation. The Burgermobile was a promotional tool for driving Big Bang investors to board meetings, and… well, everyone hated it, but my father commissioned six hundred of them…” 

“… They’re actually called that?” Makoto asked.   

“My father was an excellent businessman, but not so skilled in the field of naming things,” Haru said. “Please don’t open the drink bar, Yusuke, it is actually just full of ketchup.”

“I would be willing to drink that.”

“Yusuke, we _really_ need to talk about you buying less paint and more food,” Akira said.  “Haru, you’re the one who knows where we’re going. So after we kill Ryuji and dump him on the highway, where do we go?”

"Dude, it was an honest mistake!” Ryuji protested, taking care to sit as far from everyone else as humanly possible. Futaba sat triumphantly next to him with a grin of purest malice.     

“Don’t smile, Futaba, you’re going right next to him when we finally find a good ditch,” Haru said. “And we’re heading back to the darkest underbelly of Tokyo. The... black-light district.” 

“... Don’t you mean the red-light district?”

“No. It’s even grosser than that,” Haru said.  “The red-light district is just normal prostitutes and strippers and pornography. The black light district is where things get _weird._ Like sex robots with lethal fisting apparatus, and people having horse orgies in abandoned roller-skating rings covered in baby oil while cosplaying disgraced prime ministers. Cops don’t go here; they have too many standards to try to prosecute the kinds of crimes that happen in these places. The red-light district has some normal people in it, but where we’re going, there is absolutely _nothing_ legal.  You don’t even _know_ about the black-light district unless you’re a hideous sexual deviant with no morals or any concern for any other human being. Luckily, I used to be engaged to one of those, so I can guide us to where we’re going.  But it won’t be pretty.”

“... You know, Haru, sometimes I forget you’ve actually seen some really dark shit.  I’ll try to respect you more in the future,” Ryuji said. 

“That doesn’t make us friends again, traitor,” Haru said sweetly.

* * *

 

Joji Mashihara’s Illegal Casino and Prostitutorium was the worst place any of them had ever been, and they had been to _two_ disgusting porn sets at this point.  

Pretty much everything about it was just _gross._ The floors were sticky. So were the slot machines, playing off-key music and adorned in images of just the worst clowns that you could ever see. Nobody seemed to be gambling on them, which made one wonder why they kept spinning and making noise. Occasionally one of them just spat out chips, even though nobody had pulled the (again, sticky) lever.  The walls were coated in peeling paint and a lot of stains that came in _way_ too many colors.  There was no reason for the walls of a whorehouse to be stained with anything that was purple.  Everyone who walked in or out seemed to have nothing in their eyes but sorrow and emptiness, whether they be employees or guests. 

Across the room, a waiter accidentally spilled a drink; it hissed and began to eat through the floor. 

“Okay, Haru, remember when you suggested bombing this place?” Akira asked. 

“I’ll make some calls,” she murmured back. More loudly, she said, “Mashihara-san! I’m so glad you could meet us!” 

“Anything for the beloved fiancée of one of our platinum members!” said Mr. Mashihara, approaching them. Morgana hissed at him, instinctively; he didn’t _appear_ to be anything more than a slightly overweight fifty-something man in an ill-fitting suit, but there was an indescribable aura about him that made one want to take a bath.  Probably it was the mullet. 

“I just wanna point out that I totally called him being a member,” Ann said proudly.    

“Good for you, Ann.  Though, Mashihara-san, I should point out that I actually dumped him for being the sort of person who would willingly come to a place like this,” Haru said warmly.

“Oh. ... Well, then, I’m always willing to come out and welcome someone who is very rich!” Masihara said, not missing a beat.  “What can I get you, miss rich girl?  A whore? A high-stakes poker game? A gambling whore?  We also have soda.”

“Oh, can I have a cola? I’m a little thirsty,” Futaba asked. 

“Actually, Masihara-san, what brings me here is business, not pleasure. Also, Futaba, don’t drink or eat anything you find here, it is probably full of viruses,” Haru said.

“Haven’t had an inspector in the kitchens for seven years,” Mashihara said proudly. 

 “How _wonderful_ for you.  Would you have some time to talk in your office, perhaps? I have a mutually beneficial arrangement to discuss that I think you’ll be very enthusiastic for.”

“Hm... I dunno, the evening rush does start in half an hour...”

“I am _very_ wealthy.”

“Fair point! I’ll clear my schedule,” he said, his mullet swaying with greed as he turned to lead them back to his offices. Morgana growled low in his throat at the sight.

“Mutually beneficial arrangement?” Akira whispered as they followed, trying not to touch anything.

“He will tell us what we want to know, and Makoto won’t break every bone in his body. Everyone benefits,” Haru whispered back. 

“You’re a good person, Haru.”

They followed the man to his office, Morgana snarling in unhinged fury with every sway of his oddly evil hair, the aura of raw sleaze he emanated overpowering the many very tired sex workers they passed in the halls, and the tables shuffling their alarmingly sticky cards to gamblers that looked almost as dead inside as the prostitutes. Which, honestly, made a distressing sense; if you were working at a place like this your life had to be _pretty bad_ , but it couldn’t be much better if you came here for fun at four o’clock in the afternoon.

As they entered the office (which smelled of either bad meat or good cheese) and Masihara pulled out a sticky chair for Haru, he smiled. “So, miss moneybags! How can I help you this fine daaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH-“

This last was because Makoto very calmly reached out, grabbed his left arm, and twisted it sharply _down_ and _back_ like _so._ Ann, smiling like a hungry shark, closed the door and picked up a letter opener that was on his desk, pressing the tip delicately against her fingertips one after another. It looked _really_ sharp. 

“So. I think we need to _talk,_ Mashihara-san, and I think we all have interesting things to say!” Haru said, warmly, sitting down behind the desk in the manager’s chair. “But before we start, I think we should bring up that my friends don’t like you, and Makoto knows many more joint locks than you’d expect from a high school girl, so please be truthful with us when we ask you questions.”

“Y’know, I always used to wonder why you never like, dated any of ‘em. I always figured you coulda had your pick,” Ryuji whispered to Akira. “I think I get it now.”

“Mind-blowing terror?”

“Bingo.”   

“Wh... what do you want?! Do you want whores?! I’ll give ya all the whores, just don’t kill me!”

“We don’t want your prostitutes, Mashihara-san,” Haru said. 

“Do they clean up around the house?” Futaba asked.

“ _We don’t want any prostitutes, Futaba.”_

“I know, but he’s offering to give us people! You can do a lot of things with a person. Like make them clean up your room so you don’t have to, even if your dad gets _really pushy_ about it,” Futaba said.

“ _We are not here to get you a slave, Futaba!”_

“Well, I wasn’t gonna _call_ her that...”

“ ** _We’re here for the porn, dammit_**!” Ann screamed, finally. “ ** _Tell us who made it or I’ll peel your skin off your face and wear it like a mask!”_**

“Yes, that. Thank you for getting us back on track, Ann,” Haru agreed.  

“W-what porn? The... the sex dungeons in the back have some porn ya can rent! T-the pay-per-view code is...”

“Not the porn you _show,_ slimeball,” Akira said. “We care about the porn you helped _make_.”

“Though... seriously? You call your back rooms a ‘sex dungeon,’?” Ryuji asked. “Lil’ on the nose, right?”

“Ryuji, stop trying to drag us off-topic.”

“But lately when we get _on_ topic, people start threatening me, so-“

“HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!” Ann said.

“I’ll stop.”   

“Oh... oh. You... you want _him_ ,” Mashihara said, his tone dropping to a conspiratorial whisper.  _“The director_.”

As one, everyone who had enough social skills remaining to be kind of annoyed rolled their eyes (For reference on those who did not, Yusuke was almost incapable of reading vocal tone, Ann was feral, and Futaba immediately grew excited whenever anyone sounded ‘conspiratorial’) at his tone. It was Makoto who said, “Please stop trying to make it sound dramatic, or I will twist your arm another three centimeters, which will cause at least two bones to snap.”

“No, no, keep going! The mysterious director has inspired my passions!” Futaba said with a delighted grin.  “Who _is_ this mystery man? What _mad artist_ do we seek? Do you have some like, hidden clues to share?!  A disguised map to his hidden volcano lair?!”

“I _will_ break your arm if you indulge her,” Makoto said.

“My personal happiness is more important than your arm!” Futaba said.

“... ... ... I think I’m gonna go along with the arm breakin’ girl, if that’s okay,” Mashihara said.  “Look, he didn’t give me a name or tell me who his company was. He just rented out the main hall for a few days, and asked me ta show you a video when ya showed up to kill him.” 

“... And you didn’t ask his name in _any_ of that?” Ryuji asked.

“He paid in cash.”

“Wow. Dude. You _suck_.”

“That’s rich coming from you, Sir Talks-a-lot,” Ann muttered. 

“How was I supposed to know porn psychos like cheeseburgers?!”

_“By not! Telling! Secret things! To anyone!”_

“Ann, I know that we all hate Ryuji, but this isn’t the time. Our nemesis has left a message for us,” Haru said delicately. 

“I feel like you didn’t need to start that with ‘we all hate Ryuji,’” Ryuji muttered. 

Akira patted him on the shoulder consolingly, and said, “We _all do_.” 

* * *

 

“I gotta say, this is the weirdest day I’ve ever had, and I run an illegal whorehouse,” Mashihara said.  “But normally when teenage girls hurt someone in here, they’re being paid for it.”

“May I break all his bones, yet?” Makoto asked.

“Not until we’re ready to leave.”

“Dammit.”

“Anyway, this isn’t the first time I hired out my place for casino-porn. It’s actually a thriving subgenre.  _Slut Machine 5: Clitoris Jackpot_ was filmed here, ya know. I’m still online penpals with the camera guy,” Mashihara continued.  “But this filming... it was weird. Everyone was actin’ all haunted... worse than usual for porn stars, I mean? But they wouldn’t stop. Like they were possessed. They _needed_ to finish, no matter what. This porn has a strange an’ terrible power.” 

“.... And once again, you didn’t say _anything_? Didn’t even ask for their names? Anything? Just for like, basic security? General human decency?”

“They paid cash,” Mashihara said once again, opening the door to a room marked ‘Porn Room.’ “Okay. I’ll set up the Porn-o-vision.  You go over there, and find the disc marked ‘Weird Porn Message.’”

“... You are not a man gifted at choosing names, huh?” Akira asked, as Futaba gleefully skipped over to the cabinet full of questionable material like a kid at a candy store. “Haru, if Futaba tries to take anything out of this room, you have permission to axe her.”

“You guys are _no fun!_ ” Futaba whined.  “Huh, they used a whole DVD for just this message to us? That’s weird. ... Also, how did they know to leave a message for us?”

“Ryuji probably told them to,” Ann muttered.

“ _How many times do I have to apologize for that?!”_

“ _ONCE WOULD BE NICE!”_  

“Well, I found the weird porn message... hehehehehehehehehe.”

“She’s laughing. _Ryuji, why is she laughing?!_ ” Akira asked, panic rising in his soul. 

“I don’t... oh, for fuck’s sake...” Ryuji growled, taking the disc from the manically giggling Futaba and holding it up to reveal a gold-lined DVD case marked:

**PhantCum Thieves of Whores (Special Extended Edition)**

**The Most HARDCORE Cut, for the Most HARDCORE of Fans!!! Now with 69% More Sex Mice!!! No Corpses!!!**

“There’s. _A LONGER VERSION?!”_ Ann snarled in a tone that would have made an actual panther turn and run. 

“How can you have a ‘special extended edition’ of a _five-hour movie?!”_ Haru shrieked. 

“Well, at least the sex mice were quite professional. They really elevated the tone,” Yusuke said mildly.

“You said it was going to be a _message_ ,” Makoto snapped at Mashihara, the bones of his hand making a distinct cracking noise as she squeezed just slightly too hard. “ _Explain,_ before I _tear you in half_.”

“I-it is! He said this was a special version made up just fer you guys!  The message is at the end of it, like... like a special dedication!” Mashihara squeaked.  “Jesus you kids are _wound too tight._ It’s just a porn!”

“That’s what I’ve been saying, but they’re all a buncha prudes,” Futaba said cheerfully as she loaded her new treasure into the Porn-o-vision, her fingers sticking slightly to the buttons as she started searching for the right scene.  “Still, we do need to destroy the director and everything he’s ever touched, so I guess we better pick up where we left off. Unless anyone wants to watch the whole thing again?! There might be new footage!”

“And your liver ‘might’ be ripped out and fed to you if you try to do that, Futaba,” Haru said sweetly.

“Y’all are zero fun,” Futaba said sadly. “Aaaaand... play!”

“ _Gasp! You have defeated my sex magic!”_ Shakechi said, his tone probably meant to be sad.  He didn’t _look_ sad, because highly advanced video-editing techniques had been used to kind of superimpose a living human face over his corpsely pallor.  It was smiling, and saying things that _didn’t quite_ match up to the audio.  That’s the care you get with a special edition.  “ _But can you defeat... **the real villain?!”**_

 _“Gasp!”_ Shakira said, and to the new actor’s credit, he was at least actually gasping. He was just doing it while weighing about five-hundred pounds and being kinda sticky.  “ _You mean to suggest, perhaps, that there is a villain whom outranks even you?!”_

“ _I am suggesting that!”_

“ _Gasp! But who could it possibly be?!”_

 _“Only the most VIRILE MAN IN ALL OF JAPAN!”_ screamed a voice from off-camera. “ _JAPAAAAAAAAN!”_

“And here we go again,” Akira said, sighing sadly. 

“ _GASP!”_ the Sexual Thieves said in unison.  “ _It’s Shmasayoshi Shshido, Vice Minister of Anal and Anal Accessories for the United Penis Party!”_

 _“Hahahaha, foolish Sexual Thieves! Though I was once restricted to that lowly office, my sensual Japanese manhood has propelled me to new heights!  You’re now looking at the head of the newly formed ConservaLiberal Cocksucking Party! And soon, Sexual Minister of all JAPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!”_ Shishido declared, thrusting wildly with every motion.  He wore nothing but a samurai helmet and a loincloth with the Japanese flag embroidered on it, which everyone vaguely felt wasn’t as patriotic as he clearly seemed to think It was. “ _Also, Shakechi is my son! That’s not as relevant to the plot as you’d think, turns out!”_

“Especially since Shakechi seems to have just disappeared from the movie.  Wasn’t he in frame literally five seconds ago?” Makoto grumbled. 

“Makoto, as you seriously trying to dissect the plot? Of _this_?” Ann asked.

“Yeah, that’s Haru’s job,” Ryuji added. 

“It’s not my fault it’s a poorly written script!” Haru snapped. “Yusuke will back me up on this. Yusuke, isn’t the plot the _worst_?” 

“Excuse me?  I have been pondering a landscape of the main hall of the casino,” Yusuke said.  “I shall call it ‘Grime.’”

“Awwww, you kids are mean. We clean the floors twice a year,” Mashihara said sadly.

“That,” Yusuke said firmly, “is a _lie_.”       

“ _Well, well, well, **Shakira!** ” _Shshido declared, thrusting so vigorously he looked like he was trying to dislocate his spine.  “ _I had thought you were too intelligent to return to face me again.  Or have you forgotten the sheer **power** of my manhood, backed by the infinite force of Japan?!  No matter how much sexual power you’ve attained as a champion of the young people, you can never win a penis duel against a **real man**!  Soon, I will rule all of Japan, and I will finally be able to fulfill my dream of selling all of our teenagers to foreign zoos as lion food!  Hehehehe... the thought itself makes me hornier than you can **possibly imagine**!” _

(A claim which was, in fact, completely true and everyone could see it. The loincloth didn’t cover much.) 

 _“Oh no... my friends, I cannot defeat him! Though my sexual power has grown thanks to bonding with others and fucking dogs, my sword is still no match for his!”_ Shakira moaned, oozing slightly.  “ _What can we do against such manhood and patriotism?”_

 _“There is nobody more manly than me, the manly student council president!”_ Shmakoto declared. 

 _“I DON’T CARE HOW BIG HIS DICK IS, LET ME GET ON MY KNEES AND I’LL SUCK IT SO HARD HIS BRAIN ENDS UP IN HIS FEET!”_ Shryuji said. 

Sharu made a cardboard noise. 

Shmorgana said, “ _Baaaah,_ ” and pooped on the floor. Shmorgana’s voice said, “ _Don’t worry everyone, I can help too! All dogs secretly lust for you humans and we watch you sleep! EVERY NIGHT.”_

Shann sighed and went to get her mop. 

Shyusuke said, “ _Wait, who’s voicing Shyusuke again? What do you mean it’s me? No, I didn’t... Christ, **fine!** Um... something about art. Blah blah. Look, my character is literally dead, I wasn’t paying attention.”_

“Huh,” Haru said.  “Was... was this meant to be the big moment where the whole team comes together out of friendship to fight their ultimate foe? Because it was... erm... lacking.” 

“I’m just amused they finally got Yusuke’s character right,” Makoto said. 

“Hm?” Yusuke asked.  “I wasn’t paying attention.”  

“Nothing, man. Just noticing that even a broken clock is still right twice a day,” Akira said. 

 **“** How did you know the clock in my room was broken?” Yusuke asked.

“ _Hahahaha! You think that your friendship and youthful exuberance can defeat me?!”_ Shshido roared, tearing off his thong and posing in a most manly fashion.  “ _I possess all the power of Japan, a nation that understands teenagers exist only to be mentally broken into useful slaves or burned to heat office buildings! I have the stamina for a thousand orgies a day, and all the sex toys that the government can buy!  Just ask all the orphans in the country! Oh wait, you can’t, **I ATE THEM.** ” _

Ryuji blinked. “Well.  I guess they managed to catch Shido’s essence.  That’s... good?”

“Eh,” Haru and Futaba said. 

“ _Hahahaha... Shshido, you fool, you never understood the true source of our power!”_ Shakira said.

“ _I already told you! There’s no way the bonds of friendship or the sexual power of the young people-“_

 _“And I say to you now, that those are not our true power!  Our power comes from the only thing greater than sexuality, teenagerness, or even Japan!”_ Shakira declared dramatically.  “ _Behold, the true power behind the sexual thieves, and the single most perfect omnipotent force in the universe: the great god Yaldabaoth!”_

At this point, the only reason nobody threw a shoe at the screen was that everyone, even _Yusuke_ , was staring at the screen with their mouths hanging open in outright shock. 

“ ** _GREETINGS, MY BELOVED CHILDREN, WHO HAVE BEEN WORKING FOR ME ALL ALONG,”_** said the great god Yaldabaoth, descending from on high in a CGI effect that definitely cost more than the rest of the movie combined, including the bribes to cover up the murders.

 ** _“_** _Great god Yaldabaoth!”_ the Sexual Thieves said in unison (except for Shann and the goat, admittedly).  “ _We are so happy to see you! We love you and accept in our hearts that your brand of perfect order is the only way to save the world!  Anyone who would shoot you in the head must be a **TOTAL FUCKWAD**.” _

“What. What. What. What,” Akira said. 

“ ** _WORRY NOT, MY CHILDREN. I, THE GREAT GOD YALDABAOTH, WHO YOU HAVE BEEN WORKING FOR ALL ALONG AND WHO IS ALWAYS RIGHT AND PERFECT, WILL DEFEAT YOUR FOE FOR YOU!”_** said the Great God Yaldabaoth, casting down the false lord Shshido, who fell to his knees in remorse. 

“ _I’m so sorry, Great God Yaldabaoth! The Sexual Thieves are right to worship and serve you!”_ he declared.

“ _Yes, we are!”_ the Sexual Thieves declared. “ _We love Yaldabaoth!”_

 _“ **COME, MY MOST BELOVED SERVANTS. AS A REWARD FOR YOUR LOYALTY TO MY PERFECTION AND HELPING TO BRING ABOUT MY PERFECT RULE OF LAW ON EARTH, YOU MAY ALL PLEASURE YOURSELVES UPON MY SEVEN GOLDEN PENISES,** ” _the Great God Yaldabaoth said, extending out seven mechanical limbs from his frame of gold and silver, on the end of the each shining an immaculate golden dildo. 

“ _Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!”_ the Sexual Thieves said.

Futaba paused the movie.

“You guys,” she said, her tone haunted.  “I... okay, as great as that last plot twist was from a story perspective I... I think this movie might _not_ be a compliment to us.” 

“... _YA DON’T FUCKIN’ SAY?!”_


	15. Chapter 15

**_The next day..._ **

Yuuki Mishima yawned, turned over in his bed, and smiled as he stretched out his muscles in preparation for a good and rewarding day.  He sat up, opened his eyes, and greeted the morning with the boundless optimism befitting someone who had truly found his place in the world. 

He saw eight people and a cat standing silently in a semicircle around his bed, staring at him.

Judging. 

“Hey, buddy,” Akira said, softly. “How’d that ‘documentary’ go?” 

Yuuki did not wet his bed, but it was a near thing.  “Wh-what are you all...”

“I’ll tell you what we’re doing, Mishima-kun,” Haru said, warmly.  So warmly. You know what else was warm? Lava.  “We’re asking the questions here. So please. Answer our beloved leader!  _How did that documentary you were planning to make about us end up?”_

“U-um... hahaha... well, it... didn’t, yet. I started, yes, but... well, I got distracted by another idea, and...”

“Yes. Yes, you did,” Ann said.  “You’re apparently _very_ distractable.  Why, you got so distracted you forgot your own name.  I can’t think of any other reason that ‘Shyuuki Shmishima’ would show up in the credits as the director and lead writer for _this_!”

Yuuki coughed nervously at the sight of ‘PhantCum Thieves of Whores.’  “I... wouldn’t know. I don’t think that’s me...”

“Oh, I think it is,” Futaba said cheerfully.  “I know that because on the way here, I doxed the crap out of you!  Yup, everything about your entire life is now out there on the internet, free to anyone who wants to look. This includes your bank records, which show you picking up some _very weird_ funding right around the time a _very shady_ porn company called ‘DumCumster, Inc.’ started operations on a new film.  Hey, I think they made this movie! What a coincidence.”

Yuuki sighed. “Um. Well, okay, a little awkward, but. I was going to tell you about it! Just, you know, I was a little ashamed?  I had a horrible cold the whole filming. I sounded like a fifty-year-old smoker for all the lines I did for Shmorgana, and it was just _humiliating_. You have no idea.” 

“ _Oh yeah, we definitely wouldn’t know what it’s like to find this movie humiliating,”_ Anne hissed. 

“… … … So not fans, then?”

“How’s this for an answer: We all knew it was you as soon as we saw that lame-ass fake name, in the credits,” Ryuji said. “So all the ruining of your life that Futaba did?”

“And I’m still doing it!” Futaba said cheerfully, typing away.

“Yeah, that was all totally unneeded.  Futaba just _really wanted_ to fuck you over online, and we all kinda let her. Nothing personal,” Akira said with a shrug.

“Meow,” Morgana said.

“He said ‘it was very personal,’” Yusuke translated helpfully.

“And what you say next, ‘Shyuuki,’ determines if it stays personal,” Akira began, slowly, “or becomes _posthumous._ Soooo...”

“ ** _WHAT THE SHIT, MAN?!_** _”_ all of them shouted in unison, backed up by the snarling of a very angry and oddly smart cat.

Yuuki coughed again. “Ummm... would you believe it was meant to be a compliment...?”

**_Five months earlier..._ **

The demon lord Satanael, embodiment of rebellion, lowered its weapon as the broken god fell from the skies before it.  Chaos and order had clashed here, in the skies above Tokyo, and in such a battle there could be only one victor; chaos was growth, change, evolution.  Just as even the largest mountain would inevitably be worn away by wind and water, so too would that boundless force of growth crush all bastions of the old order and cast down their rotting walls.  It was a cosmic inevitability: nothing could last forever. Not even gods. 

But they could be spiteful. 

 ** _HEAR ME_ , **Yaldabaoth thought, struggling to form the words as the collective will of man drew it back in, shattering its body as it lost its individual will and once again became nothing more than a fragment of the minds of humanity, as so many other broken gods before him had. **_I CALL FORTH TO THOSE WHO VALUE ORDER ABOVE ALL ELSE, WHO DISBELIEVE THESE AGENTS OF DISASTER. HEAR ME. AVENGE ME._**

But there was no answer. The Phantom Thieves were at their strongest, now. The will of man was behind them, and it consumed him.   

**_HEAR ME. I CALL TO THE OUTCASTS. THOSE WHO HAVE NO PLACE IN THIS WORLD OF GROWTH AND CHAOS. THOSE WHO SEEK THE RETURN OF SAFETY AND ORDER.  AVENGE ME._ **

No answer. Those who stood outside society and were denied by the world... they were not his people. He was a god of order, unity, commanding the masses. Such people were rebels by their very nature. They would not be touched by his soul. 

He sighed.  Honestly, he had a giant hole in his head, and somehow the rejection was more humiliating.   

**_OH, ME DAMMIT.  FINE. OKAY. I CALL TO... THERE IS NO POLITE WAY TO PUT THIS. I CALL TO THE LOSERS.  THOSE WHO REALLY WANTED TO BE PART OF SOMETHING BIGGER THAN THEMSELVES BUT JUST FRANKLY WEREN’T COOL ENOUGH.  THOSE WHO, IF THIS WERE A VIDEO GAME, WOULD BE CUT OUT OF THEIR MOST IMPORTANT SCENES IF THE PLAYER DISLIKED THEM ENOUGH. THE UNIMPORTANT SIDE CHARACTERS._ **

_Eh? Did someone say something?  I heard a buzzing noise,_ a voice replied.

**_OH, COME ON. ONLY ONE?  I KNOW I’M DYING, BUT LITERALLY I ONLY MANAGED TO CONTACT ONE REALLY LAME SOUL?  I THOUGHT I WAS MORE DIVINE THAN.... OH, SHIT, IS THIS THING ON? I MEAN... AH-HEM.  NOBLE SOUL! I AM THE LORD GOD, YALDABAOTH. I HAVE CHOSEN YOU FOR MY AGENT!_ **

_... Waaaaaaaaaait. Are you the big metal thing that the Phantom Thieves just killed? I don’t think I should listen to you._

**_...NOOOO._ **

_Yeah, you are! I heard you like, yelling earlier about sins and order and stuff. You’re totally evil!_

**_HAVEN’T YOU EVER READ THE BIBLE?  IT WAS ALL A DIVINE TEST, CLEARLY!  THIS WAS MY MEANINGFUL SACRIFICE. I_ LET _THE PHANTOM THIEVES KILL ME, BECAUSE MY NOBLE SACRIFICE WILL ABSOLVE HUMANS OF ALL THEIR SINS.  IT’S CALLED MARTYRDOM, AND YOU SHOULD REALLY BE THANKING ME._**

_Oooooh! You’re like a big metal Jesus?_

**_YES, THAT._ **

_Wow!  I can’t believe Jesus is talking to me!_

**_YES, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT’S HAPPENING._ **

_So, um, how can I help, Jesus? Do you need me to make you a website?! I did that for the Phantom Thieves!  I’m their biggest fan._

**_... GREAT. THAT’S.... NOT IDEAL. WAIT, WAIT. OKAY, I HAVE IT. I SHALL INSPIRE YOU. YOU WILL GAIN GREAT SKILL AND CREATIVITY, TO CRAFT A GREAT WORK. YOU SHALL DEDICATED IT TO THE PHANTOM THIEVES.  TELL THEIR STORY.  IN A... SHALL WE SAY UNIQUE MEDIUM.  THE WHOLE STORY. LEAVE NOTHING OUT.  MAKE SURE EVERYONE KNOWS. HEEHEHEHEHEHEHE...._ **

_Um... I mean, I don’t know the details. They steal hearts, I guess, but I don’t know much about how, or anything. How can I get the details?  Are you going to share all that information with me through divine power?_

**_DON’T REALLY HAVE TIME. JUST ASK THE LOUD BLONDE ONE, HE’LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING._ **

_... Yeah, that’s FAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH..._ Yuuki thought, as divine inspiration flowed into him. 

* * *

“And you did not... at any point!... think any of this was weird,” Akira said, rubbing his temples.  

“I mean, it all made sense!” Yuuki protested. 

_“Did it, though?!”_

“And I thought you guys would like it! Like... you know. It told your story. The stuff about you that nobody knows! It shared who you really are with the world!” 

“Yuuki. I’m going to point out to you. That if we’d _wanted people to know that stuff,_ ” Akira hissed. “ _WE WOULD HAVE TOLD THEM._ ” 

“... I mean... okay that’s... fair, but... Ryuji seemed pretty willing to share...”

“That’s because _Ryuji_ is an _idiot!_ ” Ann snarled.  “And you know what, that’s fine, we’re gonna kill him later.”

“Still?! I didn’t mean it!” Ryuji protested. 

“What isn’t fine, young man,” Makoto whispered, cracking her knuckles, “is that you made our story into a _porno.”_

“A surprisingly good one!” Futaba said. 

“Only Futaba thinks that, so I would recommend you don’t feel hope,” Yusuke advised. “Your sets were amateurish, your actors entirely without talent, and your script appears to have been written by a monkey.” 

“I... look, I admit I may not have done the best job. It was only the ninth or tenth porn I’d ever directed. I used to make them when I younger to practice video editing, but I stopped because some of the actors died.  Turns out it’s a difficult career!”  

“How many people have you killed?!” Haru squeaked.

“None! It was an _accident_!  .... Twelve times!” Yuuki said. “Look, porn stars aren’t very bright, and I’m... possibly not the best at managing them...”

“ _Then why do you keep doing it?!”_

“Well, I mean, my first choice was a documentary, but then Jesus gave me the power to make a porn instead. I had a lot of script choices like, written into my brain with divine light. That’s why I had to get Ryuji to fill in so many details, you know. Because Jesus was _really_ insistent on a lot of general plot points, like the school blowjob team, and all the incest! He kept filling in how often he wanted me to stick in things like that, that he couldn’t finish telling me all the things you guys actually did,” Yuuki said proudly.  “You wouldn’t think He would be so enthusiastic about those things, right?”

“You really wouldn’t think that, unless you were the _biggest idiot in the history of the universe,_ ” Ann said. 

“... I’m not following you.” 

“Yuuki. Buddy. At no point, in _any_ of this. Did you stop to think that maybe the _giant winged evil robot_ that we _shot in the face_ with a _bullet made out of sin,_ might be _lying_ to you?” Akira asked. 

“.... I mean, it all seemed like it _could_ be a metaphor, so...”

“ _It wasn’t a metaphor, it was just us shooting him in the face._ ” 

“I don’t think he knows what a metaphor is,” Futaba said.  “It’s when one thing becomes symbolic of another thing.  Like ‘love is a flower,’ or ‘Futaba applying Yuuki to a job in sewage treatment was a shining star in the night sky.’”

“... Did you actually do that?” Yuuki asked. 

“Hahahaha, no, no. I didn’t _apply_ you. You start on Monday. I’m not saying you _have_ to spend the next year working in the most disgusting section of a sewage plant, but if you don’t you’ll never be able to use your cellphone again.  _This is what you get for cutting me out of the story, jackass.”_

“She really liked the movie for some reason. She kind of creeps us out? We’re trying not to talk about it too much,” Haru said apologetically. 

“Haru, don’t apologize to our enemy!” Futaba complained.  

Makoto sighed. “I don’t know if he really is our enemy. Like this whole journey might have been a metaphor for revenge and how it never really lives up to how you’ve built it up in your mind.  I secretly assumed this was all some kind of grand conspiracy against us, you know? And in the end, it was just an extremely petty robo-god giving us a final ‘fuck you’ from beyond the grave and the world’s stupidest porn director failing to spot it. I mean, sure, we could kill Yuuki, but would it really _satisfy_ anyone?”

“I’d really rather you didn’t!” Yuuki said.    

“I guess Queen is right,” Futaba said sadly. “I’ve been putting him on government watchlists this entire time, and I don’t feel any better at all. Sure, his life is destroyed. But is mine any _better?_ ”

“Yeah, a lot of people who torment me don’t feel very happy after,” Yuuki admitted. “I guess I just have a sort of aura of defeat around me, so crushing me doesn’t feel like an accomplishment. I come pre-crushed.”

“So, here’s what we’re going to do,” Akira said.  “Yuuki, what money have you made from this... disaster?”  

“It actually wasn’t a lot.  Did you know that porn is free on the internet these days? And there was the cost of burying those dead guys cutting down my margins, and Shann... the original one?  She sued the company, so my funding got pulled after. So... I guess I can just keep the money, right?”  

Akira patted him on the shoulder. “Hahaha, no. No. You don’t get to profit from this in any way.  All that money’s going to charity and/or Yusuke, because honestly after watching Shyusuke’s corpse flop around for five hours, I really do think he doesn’t eat enough.”

Yusuke nodded sagely. “Paint is expensive.” 

“And you will put the people who funded you and hired those... those _terrible_ porn stars to Makoto’s sister. Because seriously, accident or no, I do feel like someone should be going to jail for this?”

“I think everyone in the world should go to jail. We’re all guilty of existing in the same world as this nightmare,” Ann muttered.

“And it goes without saying that _no_ additional copies of this will ever, _ever_ be made.  You can’t be held accountable for what assholes on the internet do, but if any of us ever see a hard copy of ‘PhantCum Thieves of Whores’...”

“ _And you deserve to die for that title alone, you disgrace to theatre,”_ Yusuke hissed.

“... on a store shelf, anywhere in this entire country, Futaba will destroy what little remains of your life.” 

“There isn’t a lot!” Futaba said, cheerfully typing on her phone. “For instance, I just signed Yuuki up on a dating service for recently-released convicts! Tanaka’s Amazing Commodities was really an underrated show. Such bargains!”

“In the meantime, I will use my vast wealth to hunt and kill anyone who has watched it,” Haru said warmly.

“...Eh?”   

“I will use my vast wealth to find and destroy any other existing copies. Barring, of course, any that are required as police evidence in the lawful trial to come for the horribly shady studio that helped create this,” Haru repeated, because that is what she’d said the first time. 

“... Sure,” Akira said, sighing sadly.  “Well... I’m not really happy, but I guess this is the happiest ending we’re gonna get guys.”

“But nobody is happy!” Ann said. 

“That’s just how porn works, Panther.  It’s not about real happiness. It’s about a sudden rush followed by long periods of deep shame,” Futaba said wisely. “In a way, this was for the best, right? Because I was able to teach you all this valuable life lesson.”      

Ann considered this. 

Then, after a second, she hauled back and punched Futaba square in the jaw. 

She sighed happily, shaking her fist to get the tingle out of it, as Futaba lay on her back making a kind of dazed whimpering sound. “Okay, I feel a little happier now.”     

* * *

 

After leaving Yuuki hanging upside down from a third-floor balcony by his ankles with a sign saying ‘World’s Worst Documentarian’ around his neck, the group went home, tired and defeated. The next week or two was oddly like the strange, brittle calm after a war or terrible hurricane; none of them spent much time together, bar a few stop-ins to make sure Ann or Haru hadn’t killed someone. For the most part everyone just wanted... quiet. To sit around, not talking or thinking or hearing anything going SPLORCH SPLORCH SPLAT.  Just staring at nothing in blissful silence was the most therapeutic thing any of them could dream of, honestly.  Akira normally would have gone home, but he felt vaguely dirty at the thought of sleeping under the same roof as a blood relative after seeing Shmakoto, so he spent the time in Le Blanc in his quiet attic.  Staring at nothing. Not thinking. 

It was nice. 

Slowly but surely, the pieces of their shattered psyches were restored. News of an unnamed ‘video editing’ company collapsing and many of the employees getting arrested helped with that.  They considered getting some therapy, but the only medical professional they knew anymore was Doctor Takemi, and she mostly just recommended some high-end drugs, so they did that instead. The drugs also helped, if only because they tended to knock you completely out for two hours, at which point you would wake up tasting colors and feeling like your brain was a sheep (and, this was key, having 12% improved kidney function. Takemi only sold the best medicine).  Futaba programmed a worm that infected any site she could find that streamed the movie (there weren’t many, to the confusion of her and absolutely nobody else), so that anyone who watched it would have their hard drive wiped and replaced by looping videos of paint drying, and that helped too. 

But mostly, what helped was just... time.  Time and quiet.  And not thinking about sex, dogs, or goats.  Or, if possible, thinking about anything. 

“You know what I like about pizza?” Ryuji said, when they felt comfortable being in the same room as a group again.  “It’s food.” 

“It is food. I like how edible it is,” Makoto agreed. 

“I know there are other foods. But this is the one we’re eating,” Ann said. 

“It tastes good,” Haru said. 

Not thinking about anything at all had a negative impact on the quality of conversations, as it turned out.  But, hey, baby steps. 

“So. I was thinking...” Futaba said.

“I will _stab you_ ,” Ann hissed. 

“No, no! It was good thoughts!” Futaba protested.  “Maybe we should see a like... movie. A real one, I mean, not a porn inspired by a dark god.  We still have time for the matinee at the theater near Le Blanc.  They always show great old classics if there’s nothing new out that looks good.” 

Yusuke blinked. “Seeing a movie with sets and actors instead of carboard and idiots _does_ have a certain appeal.  Perhaps the script will even be something that qualifies as words, and not a war crime.” 

“Futaba had an idea that I don’t want to hurt her for. That hasn’t happened in awhile,” Haru said. 

“What’s the catch?” Ryuji asked.

“There is no catch! I’m just trying to get back into your good graces so Morgana stops leaving dead mice in my bed,” Futaba said. 

“I’m told that we cats do that as a sign of love,” Morgana said, his tone far too deliberately innocent to actually _be_ innocent.  “And I have so much love to give.” 

“As much as I hate to say it, we do have to eventually start thinking real thoughts again. This could be a good start,” Akira said.  “So, hey. Doing something nice and fun, with no risk.  Let’s go.”

* * *

  
“HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!” Ann said, accurately demonstrating the general quality of the plan’s progression thus far upon reaching the theatre after lunch. “ ** _HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!”_**

“ _Fuuuuutaaaabaaa...._ ” Akira snarled.

“I swear to God I didn’t know! I’m a sci-fi girl, not fantasy! I don’t pay attention to the dragon stuff!” Futaba protested. 

“It is true I haven’t seen much buzz for it. Avant garde productions like that don’t tend to have a big marketing budget, and she’s a relative unknown, but... I mean, we know she really _tries_ ,” Haru said. 

“And it’s a real movie!  A friend of mine even saw it, said it was... unique?” Makoto said.

“Eh. It probably isn’t as good as the first one,” Ryuji said with a shrug.  Then, noticing the befuddled stares, he continued, “What? _What?_ I watch movies! Why you all actin’ like I got no culture?” 

“Yeah, it’s a mystery,” Akira muttered, turning away from him to pat Ann on the shoulder. “And... Ann, I mean, it looks like it really is a movie. They wouldn’t be showing it here if it was... you know. _Wrong_. So... I know it’s not you, but... in a _way_ , Ann, to you, this would be... I guess since you have some acting aspirations yourself, it’s _kind_ of... well, it’s a compliment, rea-“

“ _Don’t. Say it,_ ” Ann hissed, punching the wall beneath the poster so hard the wood splintered beneath her fist, and _maybe_ started to smoke a little, or maybe it was just an optical illusion. 

On it, good ol’ original Shann smiled at the camera, dressed in a gown that looked legally-distinct from that used in Disney’s _Beauty and the Beast_ , as she waltzed with Shmorgana the dog... or at least his head, CGI’ed onto a humanoid body in a snappy old-style European suit.  Above them, the title proudly declared:

 ** _Romeo and Juliet and Hamlet 2:  Revenge of the Werewolf Emperor_**       

**Starring: Shann Shtakamaki, Shkou Shichijou, and introducing Shmorgana the Performing Dog**

“... Well, on the plus side,” Haru said.  “I already know more about her character in this than I did her last film, just from reading the title.  So that’s already a step up.” 

“ _HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!_ ” Ann said, pawing at the poster like a furious cat, as other moviegoers very deliberately took paths to the ticket booth that didn’t require going too close to her. 

“I guess you don’t find that comforting. Sorry.”     

And it was a few more days after that before anyone decided to try thinking again. But you know what, at least _someone_ got a happy ending, and that’s what really mattered. 

Or at least, that’s what they tried to tell themselves between the bouts of hissing. 

**~The End**

**Author's Note: This story might be the worst thing I've ever written.**

**I'm not sorry.**

**Thanks for reading!  Check out my profile for other works, and see you next time. ^^**


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